Save Your Sanity: Help For Toxic Relationships

Trauma-bonding is circular. The abuser creates the trauma, and then wants you to turn to them when you're hurt and traumatized. You are traumatized by something the abuser does, and you want the abuser to feel understood and you lean in. Circular!That's why it is SO important to understand the fourteen signs of a trauma-bonded person that I talk about in this episode. You may recognized the patterns--and the drama--that you are experiencing or have experienced. So helpful!Dr. Patrick Carnes in The Betrayal Bond says that traumatic bonding occurs when "victims have a certain dysfunction attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. There often is seduction, deception, or betrayal. There is always some form of danger or risk." That is that the very thing that hurts you draws you closer. No more, right? This episode could be a turning point in your life and in your relationships.HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:The definition of trauma-bondingUnderstanding the addictive nature of trauma

Shame is often not spoken of, or acknowledged on both sides of an emotionally abusive relationship with anyone. Today's episode puts the spotlight on this component of emotional abuse, for both the perpetrator and the recipient. My guest, Beverly Engel, wrote in her most recent book, Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing From the Shame You Don't Deserve:"Shame is the most destructive aspect of emotional abuse and it can be the most difficult to heal."Sometimes people stay in abusive relationships BECAUSE they feel that leaving one is shameful. After all, you chose to enter it, if it's a romantic relationship. Know this: emotionally abusive people pose as potential soulmates to lure you into giving them control over time. It's not your fault! You couldn't have known, in most cases. So, this episode will be ABSOLUTELY affirming for you, and can give you a new perspective that is empowering.HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Differences between conscious and unconscious abusersHow we accept shame when we have had childho

You think you're doing your best, giving your all, compromising, and cooperating.In a healthy relationship, that's great.In a toxic relationship, you'll be expected to over-give and more. It's a setup for emotional abuse. Listen in to see it even more clearly! You may hear the word "enabling" and know that it is not a good thing. That's true. Knowing what it IS so you can clearly observe it and recognize it is primary. My definition of enabling is:"When you usually step in to fix, solve, excuse, rationalize, justify, or make the consequences go away for the poor choices of others." Does that sound familiar?Sometimes, you're so exhausted that you let it wash over you, I know. That's just how #narcissists and #Hijackals want you to be: too tired, confused, and worn down to put up any resistance to their having more and more power in the relationship.You CAN stop enabling their behaviors, and stop in small steps. (That's what I help my clients do, and you can use my new client, one-time offer for a ful

Every now and again, everyone has an off minute, and says or does something unkind, thoughtless, or just plain hurtful. Toxic people have many traits that happen too consistently...and, too often.The difference between a person having a toxic moment, and a person who has many toxic traits is that the healthier person will acknowledge, take responsibility for, and apologize after behaving poorly. A #Hijackal--a relentlessly difficult, often narcissistic one--will not be accountable or responsible. They are even likely to blame their poor behavior on you!That's why it is SO important to take stock of what is going on in your relationship with a partner, parent, sibling, adult child, or co-worker. This episode will help you do that. I suggest you create a tally as you listen. How many of these 40 traits does the person exhibit? Oops!HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:My personal definition of a toxic relationshipWhy healthy people often give toxic people too much understanding, compassion, and "wiggle room."Passive-a

Toxic relationships are created when a partner exploits the vulnerabilities of the other. If you have ADHD tendencies, you may easily miss red flags as you pay attention to the charms, and are intrigued by the possibilities of the fake future they paint so readily. Fear and shame also play a part you need to recognize. Hijackals have a honed sense of recognition of vulnerabilities. They are on high alert, looking for these to use to their advantage. You can be the most successful person and they'll see you as a challenge. Not good, at all!Diann Wingert shares her insights and studies to help us understand why people with ADHD may not see toxic relationships clearly, and stay too long even though they are experiencing emotional abuse.HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:How ADHD affects your ability to see red flags when you meet someone newTraits women with ADHD have that makes them more susceptible to toxic relationshipsWhy intuition sometimes fails to discern patterns of manipulation when ADHD is presentWhy verbal

People with narcissistic tendencies and traits want to have their way, and want you to do their bidding. If they really, really, really want something, or, if they are really, really, really afraid of losing something, they sometimes promise to change.How many promises has a narcissist--a narcissistic #Hijackal--made to you about changing behaviors? How many of those promises were kept? Right! Not many.Oh, yes, maybe for a hot minute things improved. That is usually to get you to believe that they sincerely mean what they say. The proof, though, is in the long-term, sustained changes. How many of those changes did you see?Learning more about why change isn't sustained is important. BUT, it doesn't excuse it. Save yourself from further emotional abuse.HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Why admitting a mistake is so difficult for a #narcissist, a #Hijackal5 reasons #narcissists will give you the impression they are going to changeWhy #narcissists seldom change and narcissistic abuse prevailsWhy you get your hopes up

Hijackals use chemistry to manipulate and control you. They exploit it to feel they have power over you. It is a significant part of trauma-bonding. Get clear on what's really happening when you think you're in love, rather than knowing you're being used. HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:What lust, attraction, and attachment have to do with creating toxic relationshipsWhy #Hijackals want to recreate their trauma from a position of controlWhat part trauma-bonding plays in thinking you have chemistry with a toxic personHow #Hijackals depend on the chemistry to keep you hooked in a toxic relationship, a verbally abusive relationshipHow misused chemistry can lead to emotional abuseChemistry may draw you back to a relationship of narcissistic abuse and emotional trauma. You may confuse it with love. It isn't love. Don't be fooled. Stop the trauma-bonding, too!Big hugs!RhobertaWant clarity, insights, strategies, and support from me, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler? We can talk: Introductory session for new cli

Constant emotional competition is exhausting.Most people only do it in one or two small areas of life. When you have a Hijackal parent or partner, it is a daily occurrence--even minute-to-minute--in large and tiny ways. Some ways, you may not even recognize. Listen to learn ten tips to help you emotionally disengage! That's the first, and maybe most important, step!#Hijackals turn every relationship into a competition. Even things you would not imagine they would find a need to win in, they will! Sad.HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Why #Hijackals feel the need to compete in relationshipsHow something you think couldn't possibly matter gets turned into a battle with a #HijackalWhy knowing Hijackals have fragile ego is no reason to coddle themWhy Hijackals NEED to break you, and feel gratified in doing so10 internal tips for starting to disengage from the competition you don't wantA very important thing to remember if you have a #Hijackal partner, parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker:You didn't break them:

It's common for Hijackals to ruin holidays. Narcissistic folks can be counted on to do it, too.What's up with that? They'll do it for any celebration.This episode will help you understand why it happens, AND offers practical suggestions for responding to it in healthier ways.You don't want to dread the holidays, yet that often happens. You just know that things are going to be tense, at a minimum, right?There are reasons why these sad folks get so mean around the holidays, or any celebration that is not focused on them.IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Listen in and take this to heart. It will save you heartache!Big hugs!RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:7 sad reasons that narcissistic people ruin celebrations and #Hijackals ruin the holidaysKnowing why they do it, what you can do How being emotionally prepared for things to go wrong helpsHow being physically prepared for when things go sideways in the holidays helpsRemember, it's not your faultWhy no amount of trying to please a narcissistic person will work Want cla

You might give someone the benefit of the doubt too often. You may be on the receiving end of verbal abuse AND it's important to be clear about it. Verbal abuse is bullying to win. It's unacceptable. Recognize the many faces of verbal abuse now!According to USLegal.com, verbal abuse is"words used to cause harm to the person being spoken to." It's all about the intent to cause harm: verbal, emotional harm. That can include shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, and demeaning. Do any of those sound familiar?Lean in and learn all the many ways that verbal abuse shows up. You may have slowly grown accustomed to it, and that's what needs changing now. See verbal abuse for what it is: a gateway to other forms of abuse. It may be time to accept that you are being verbally abused, and that needs to stop.Let's talk if you need to: BeAClient.com I'll help you with strategies.Big hugs!RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:A clear definition of verbal abuseWhy verbal abuse equals personal attackThe diff

The term "narcissistic" is used too commonly now, in my opinion. When people even talk about themselves a little too much for your liking, you may label it "narcissistic."It's important to be able to tell the differences among people who are narcissistic, people who are self-centered, and those who are healthy and maybe having a bad day. Why? Because they require different responses.Both narcissistic and self-centered people talk about themselves more than most folks are comfortable with, for sure. But one is truly empathic, and one is not. Bets? One has a regard for others, the other does not. Hmmm....I wonder which?A person doesn't need to be diagnosable to have narcissistic tendencies that make them difficult, if not nearly impossible, to want to live with. If you've experienced that, you may fear the same when you meet a self-centered person. That's where today's distinctions can help you greatly.Big hugs!RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Defining narcissistic tendenciesDefining self-centered behavior

Succeeding in spite of having toxic parents and a difficult past! We talk about that journey, and what succeeding really means. It's not about money only, but SO much more.A shaky emotional start in life doesn't define you. Don't let it! Corey Poirier, author of Book Of WHY, shares his path from life with an absent, though toxic, father to becoming the founder of bLU Talks, and being featured on the foremost radio and television shows, as well as being a columnist for top business magazines like Entrepreneur and Forbes.Sure, his thing is business and he shows you his path to success. No, that may not be yours, but the underlying thoughts, shifts, changes, and beliefs that he found instrumental to living his best life is what he shares today. Inspiring! As Corey says,"People often remember to feed their bodies, but often forget to feed their minds. Each is equally important."Lean in and learn more to inspire and motivate you to make shifts that will lead you to the life you want.Big hugs,RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF

Shame is a painful emotion caused by recognizing guilt, shortcomings or impropriety, and the basis for narcissistic, over-nurturing, and needy behaviors. SO important to recognize these to understand the dynamics and how you may be caught by the cycle of shame in toxic relationships with partners and parents. Things happen when you're little and you don't realize what's becoming part of you. Being shamed at an early age by the people who were supposed to protect you makes a huge impact on you!#Narcissists take shape then, and so do many people who are attracted to them--or at least, taken in by them.This is NEED-TO-KNOW information. It can help you understand decisions you need to make that will change the quality of your life.Big hugs!RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:What happens when you were shamed as a childEarly choices you make in response to being shamedHow shame affects your attachment style in adult relationshipsTwo responses to deep shame...poles apartThe difference between shame and guilt

Divorce is difficult, especially when you have children. Multiply the difficulties by tens if you're divorcing a #Hijackal, a #narcissistic person, or any other toxic person. You want to feel confident about negotiating custody and negotiating visitation. Andrea Schneider, attorney in San Diego, offers what you need to know to do your best in mediation and court.Andrea Schneider recognizes the added difficulties of dealing with divorce after years of stress, distress, anxiety, and put downs. Although she now does not do high-conflict divorce cases, she made that decision by knowing how very hard, long, and troublesome it can be!We talk about child custody issues that may seen straight forward in most cases, and how they go sideways with #Hijackals. The invaluable information here can make a huge difference in how you approach your attorney, how you approach mediation, and how you approach going to court.Big hugs,RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Andrea shares what she has seen with Hijackals in courtWhat

Lack of empathy in one partner creates a deficit that the other partner cannot fill...no matter how hard one tries! Learn more about the differences in functioning, and the decisions #Hijackals and other narcissistic people make about demonstrating empathy. Eye-opening! Empathy is the ability to identify what someone is thinking or feeling, and then to be able to respond to THEIR thoughts and feelings with an appropriate response. Can the person you have in mind do this? When do they do this? What's up when they do this?#Hijackals are notoriously self-focused and self-referential. Everything revolves around them in a world that works for them, right?How they express, use, and manipulate by the use of empathy, or empathy like, patterns is important to recognize. I think it will be clear after you listen to this episode.Big hugs!RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Do narcissistic people like #Hijackals have empathy?How narcissists use empathyHow you can be fooled--lulled, even--into believing a Hijackal

When you are first with a #Hijackal, you are flattered that they want you all to themselves. You're delighted that they want to be with you, and "can't get enough of you." That's the normal joy of a new relationship. Then, when you're with a toxic person, a #Hijackal, a #narcissist, there comes a moment when you find yourself isolated, alone, and marginalized. You look around and you have been separated from your family and friends.#Hijackals are happy then. You're not and in this episode, I'm giving you clear insight into how narcissistic people manipulate you into that isolation. It's usually gradual, and you don't realize what the final result will be. You're still trying to compromise and accommodate.The #Hijackal has another plan, and it involves cutting you off from as much support as possible. Nasty!Once you clearly see these manipulations, you can begin to put an end to it--one way or another.Big hugs!RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:5 reasons #Hijackals, #narcissists, and other toxic people isol

Are you suffering as a result of what Dr. Gary Salyer calls "badly-formed love?" You could be. Suffering is part of it, for sure. And, so much more. Do you know what well-formed love is? Have you seen it when you were growing up, or created it as an adult? Were you comfortable with it? BIG QUESTIONS! Dr. Gary Salyer has been my guest on Save Your Sanity before, and we talked about Trauma-Bonding. He was also on my Emotional Savvy podcast and we talked in-depth about Attachment Theory and Styles. (And, P.S. there are still over 150 episodes available to listen to even though I don't do it anymore.)So much wisdom, great insights, and a wicked sense of humor, too. Enjoy! Big hugs,RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:What well-formed love isWhere you form the basis for badly-formed loveWhat is reasonable to expert from a "loving relationship"What might skew or warp your ideas of what a healthy relationship isWhat Dr, Gary Salyer means by "bonded to misery"The dysfunctional bond when love is mixed with sufferin

You're worn, torn, and put down. You're exhausting in every way. The #narcissist, the #Hijackal, see that as an accomplishment. Hijackals are intimidating. They expect you to comply with their wishes, wants, demands, and supposed needs. #Hijackals threaten you. They want to instill fear and make you dependent on them, all the while complaining that you are, right?It's SO important that you recognize the ways--small and large--that emotional abusers intimidate you, or could intimidate you. Sometimes, their negative behavior starts in small ways, and grows to ultimate control. Or, at least, that's their plan. This episode will give you the insights to see what's up, and why you may be tolerating it. AND, the first steps to saying "NO!" to it in small, internal ways to start.Hopefully, after listening, you'll begin to see the need to start some internal sifting and sorting in preparation for a big change.Big hugs!RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:The six ways intimidation is used to control Why you might be

There can be a razor's edge difference between a self-centered person and a narcissistic one. Does it really matter if you know when you are dealing with them? Dr. Laura Dabney offers her experience as a psychiatrist dealing with some of the most difficult cases in the field. Her insights will help you more deeply understand those differences between a generally self-centered person, and a truly narcissistic one.I've often spoken about "healthy selfishness" and we continue that conversation. Where are the limits? When does it become unhealthy? So many questions that help you understand the relationship you may have with a partner, parent, sibling, or adult child.Oh, and bright, high-performing folks. Are they more likely to have narcissistic tendencies?Get answers today, here, now.Big hugs,RhobertaHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Differences between healthy selfishness and unhealthy narcissismWhy high-achieving folks often walk a fine line between self-centeredness and narcissismHow to find a balance between bei

It's common for folks to desperately find their way to get away from a toxic relationship. Then, the doubts start, as well as the pleading and promises from a toxic spouse. You'll need these helpful insights into how to plan to leave so that you won't give in to the temptation to return. And, if you have left, what to do when you want to go running back to the abuse.Yes, you're leaving a toxic person, a #Hijackal, because they are emotionally abusive. You may not want to think of it as abuse, but that's what it is.Oxford dictionary:abuse: use to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse. pervert, take advantage oftreat a person with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly Emotional abuse is difficult to see when it's happening to you, but you sure know how it feels, right? That's what you've walking--or running--away from. Remember that when you're tempted to return.In this episode, I give you eight things you might be telling yourself to convince yourself to go back once you've left, and seven