Save Your Sanity: Help For Toxic Relationships

Everything is a potential deal breaker when all-or-nothing thinking prevails!People who were raised in emotional abusive homes learn to think that way. If you are with one, you may be on the receiving end and need to understand and name it. You need to be able to do that.If you were raised by an emotionally abusive parent, you may have learned to use all-or-nothing thinking as a safety mechanism, or a defense mechanism. You didn't choose it. You learned it. Now, it's wise to have a look at the behavior and see if it is still required, and/or serving you well.Another name for black-or white- all-or-nothing thinking is "splitting." Here's a definition from Wikipedia:"a failure in thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities in self and others into a realistic, cohesive whole." That means that you get caught in pairs of opposites, with no consideration of all the possibilities in between. That doesn't leave many options, does it? Life is full of possibilities, changes, and gro

You know how some people and families both "put on a front: and are "a closed shop?" You can sense that something is off but the story they tell sounds good. They may be SO good at the story that you can't help but believe it. Why would you question it? And then, you marry into it and the legs fall off!YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS!  Mutuality is one of the three MUST-HAVES I talk about in order to have a healthy adult relationship. In my book, Kaizen for Couples, I described it this way:"Mutuality is for emotional grown-ups. It is based on an interest in each other as whole, complex people living in the present. When dependence or do-dependence are consistently present in a relationship, mutuality cannot be. Mutuality, then, is a defining condition for a healthy mature relationship....When there are imbalances in mutuality between partners in a primary relationship, they can lead to significant psychological pain. This pain is elusive and hard to pin down or describe. It feels like a loss without a n

Have you experienced a toxic boss? Were you one? Today's guest, Krister Ungerbock, admits to, at one time, being an aggressive boss. Maybe, even, a toxic one. He changed. Learn why and how it became important to him to shift, and how that lead to his writing 22 TALK SHIFTS: TOOLS TO TRANSFORM LEADERSHIPWhen you have a toxic parent, you may pick up toxic behaviors. That can ruin your personal relationships, for sure. However, that can also have a huge, negative impact on how you lead in business. Krister learned that the hard way. He did see it, and knew he wanted to change it. That's self-awareness!In this interview, Krister shares how autonomy at work is more effective than even a pay raise for many folks to feel valued and an integral part of the company. That's a SHIFT!Would that work for you? Have you considered that shift? Making that shift can certainly change your relationships at home, too. Krister talks openly about how that went for him, too. Personal shifts have a ripple effect on all relationships

Do you ever wonder if you're the problem in a relationship when you know that the other person is forever pushing your buttons, blaming and shaming you? You may be suffering from "Reactive Abuse," and that's a cycle that you can put a stop to. You are patient. You give the benefit of the doubt. You take the blame. You apologize when you have done nothing wrong.Any of those sound familiar? Do you do them too often? Do you find yourself on the apologizing, even begging, end of abuse? Well, when you engage in Reactive Abuse, it can get totally crazy-making. It's really hard to tell which end is up once that cycle revs up. And, that's definitely NOT a good thing!My definitions of Reactive Abuse:When an emotional abuser abuses you, and you get react to their abuse by getting angry. Then they react to your anger and say that you are being abusive.ORWhen an emotional abuser pushes you to the edge, and tells you you're unstable and abusive when you fall off.Nasty! Sad. Shady. And, just wrong!It's important to see thi

Wonder why you don't seem to create the momentum to address your toxic relationship? PastCasting™ is one way. It's my term for a well-established internal program that immediately causes you to stay stuck, even when you know you're settling and unhappy. Or, why you are fearful and exhausted.It's so much easier to think of the past than face the present when you're in a toxic relationship. Distant memories can be made to seem like truth when your mind doesn't want to deal with reality in the present moment. It's false that you're protecting yourself. It's more likely that you are further hurting yourself. And, you may need a boost to make that happen.In this episode, I hope you find that boost, that you come up-to-date with the reality of a toxic relationship. Then, you can get help to go in the direction of Emerging Empowered™, which is the name of my upcoming book. It takes clarity, will, and some strategies, but it's all worth it. Oh, yes, and it will take effort, too, even when you don't feel much like mak

Ever wonder why you give difficult or toxic people too many chances? Ever wonder why you make a plan to leave, execute it, and end up going back? It happens, and it has a reason...or twelve! Childhood trauma often is recognized when it was obvious. Much of childhood trauma can be subtle and somewhat under the radar, too. You can heal that, too, and it can make a huge difference to your satisfaction and joy in relationships.Riana Milne has a great definition of a toxic partner:"anyone who makes you feel emotionally or physically ill by the way they act or treat you." Now, do you know a toxic person? Do you have one that immediately comes to mind? Most people do...even more than one. Why are they attracted to you, and why are you attracted to them? Or, do you "settle" for relationships that really don't feel loving, joyful, trusting, respectful, and safe?The good news is that, once you recognize the many things I've talked about myself or with guests, you can deeply understand where the past pain is and get hel

Growing up in an emotionally abusive home, or an overly compassionate home, or even and emotionally neglectful home can set you up to accept emotional abuse. It's not your fault! Maybe, you had a perfectly lovely home, but you were encouraged to put other people's needs, wants, expectations, and desires ahead of your own. That can happen, and you being so giving gets sadly and badly taken advantage of by a #Hijackal.People pleasers make great targets--and easy pickings--for a Hijackal, an emotional abuser. And, yes, of course, there may well be verbal abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or spiritual abuse, as well. Nasty!Some people are surprised when I say that they are not here to make other people happy. It sounds like a really good thing to do. And, doing things that please others in an equal, reciprocal, and mutual relationship is a very good idea. (That's the mutuality part!) However, in an inequal, non-reciprocal, and non-mutual relationship, it all goes terribly sideways, and you can

Yes, you are wise to be self-reflective, asking yourself "What is my part in the relationship difficulties?" #Hijackals and other toxic people want you to taking responsibility for the whole relationship. They are happy to tell you that everything is your fault. You know that.In this episode, I'm addressing the three BIG questions I am asked so frequently when someone gets to the point of considering leaving, or has recently left a toxic relationship. These three questions cause them to further second-guess themselves from within. Sure, ask those three questions and answer them honestly...ONCE. Then, take action.#Hijackals and those with narcissistic tendencies and traits know they can baffle you with sweet talk, double talk, or straight out lies. They know. Don't believe them! Yes, it's easier said than done, I know. But, don't believe them. They are behaving from self-interest alone.Then, don't start feeding yourself the doubts the Hijackal planted within you. That's their thing: keep you in chaos and confu

Men, would you like to know what to say when your female partner is really angry? The answer--and many more--are in this episode with GS Youngblood, author of The Masculine in Relationship.He says, "There are so many couples in pain in the world. The man feeling that his partner criticizes and belittles him, and is not interested in sex. The woman dying for more emotional connection, and to feel much more power, leadership, and clarity from her man." Oh, yes, you can bet I was champing at the bit with questions! Questions about gender equality, "leadership," and misogyny, for starts! And, yes, I challenged so much because I read the book and all kinds of things popped up to discuss: possessiveness, a "caveman mentality, and so much more.Empathy which is often so lacking in toxic relationships became a big topic, going from GS's definition to mine and finding the intersections. Did we end up on the same page? Listen for that, for sure!What about men jumping to solutions without listening to their partners? (Ca

All those promises! All those dreams! Was it future faking? That's a very common way that #Hijackals keep you engaged in the relationship. Learn how it works...and, what really doesn't work about it. You need to see this clearly, or you'll be hooked on hope!All you ever wanted and more...one day. That's the promise of future faking: when a Hijackal promises or alludes to giving you something you want in the future to get what they want in the present. And, so much more.A Hijackal makes big moves early on in the relationship, feigning great interest in knowing you. Sorry. It's not because they're so interested in who you are: it's they're so interested in what they can get from you. Sad. And, this is why they #futurefake! To engage you in the dream!Lean in and listen to all the ways narcissists use this ploy to get what they want. You'll want to recognize each one for what it is.HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:How #futurefaking hooks you into staying in an abusive relationshipWhy it can become a pattern that yo

Why is this episode important on a show about toxic relationships? Because your doctor--and other healers--need to be empathetic, aware, interested, listening, and compassionate. Some are wonderful. Others, not so much. You need to find one that cares about all of you, not just the numbers, graphs, and medications.In your toxic relationship, have you ever been seriously ill or injured? What kind of care did you get at home? That's a big moment, isn't it, when you realize that the toxic person can't be bothered with you, or take you seriously? How does your doctor behave?Dr. Hassan Tetteh had early personal experiences with trauma, and the impact on him directed his life's work. A Near Death Experience changed so much for him. Dedicated to The Art of Human Care™ (also the name of his book), Dr. Tetteh helps you see what to look for in a doctor, too.In a toxic relationships--past or present, there is often trauma from emotional abuse. You NEED your doctor to see, know, and believe what is happening to you. Emot

You may not even know you picked up all this from narcissistic family dynamics in your life. When you hear these things, you may find the key to unlocking relationship difficulties you've had in your adult life. Definitely worth listening to!We take SO much in as young children, even before we have any language skills at all! We come to know if we're wanted, loved, appreciated, welcomed, and heard before we ever understand a word anyone says to us. That impacts our whole life...unless we recognize what slipped under our radar in our first seven years of life!If there was a parent or other authority figure in your family who had narcissistic tendencies, you'll be recognizing these thing I talk about. It's all you knew then, but now you know more. You can do things differently!Don't be hard on yourself! You couldn't possibly know what your early environment was putting in your mind, and how it was establishing your sense of who you were within you. That's why it's important to think about these things today.HI

Understanding the many faces of gaslighting helps you see it coming. Then, seeing it for what it is, you can discount it, reject and deny it. In this episode, I help you see ten faces of gaslighting that can help you recognize it for what it is: emotional abuse. The actual definition of gaslighting I like from www.urbandictionary.com is:"an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception"It has so many faces, some that you might not immediately think of as gaslighting...until now.I often think of gaslighting as times when someone wants to define your reality for you, rather than trusting you and your senses. It's nasty, as well as sneaky. It's definite intention is to undermine your confidence in yourself in every way. Too often, it's a successful ploy!HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Why gaslighting is a huge iss

You may think that you're experiencing the natural wear and tear on your health. But, if you're in a toxic relationship, it is making things so much worse! Learn about the most likely ways your body and its immune system can respond to toxic relationships with narcissistic people, or antisocial people. Talk about wear and tear!!!Two things that cause physical health issues (among many) start with emotional abuse: stress and isolation. Both of those are present in most relationships with Hijackals, right? Constant stress and the pressure to not talk about difficulties with others outside the relationship. Very common. In this episode, I share some research findings from Dr. Gabor Mate that relate to this where he said,"The very same brain centers that interpret and feel physical pain also become activates during experiences of emotional rejection."Sound familiar? This can be terribly enhanced if, perchance, you had a narcissistic mother--a Hijackal mother--and then went on to be in a relationship with another

You want to believe that a Hijackal--a toxic, difficult, perhaps narcissistic person--love you. You SO want to believe it. They don't have much love to give and here's 16 ways to recognize that they aren't giving it to you. An eye-opener! People who love you listen to you. They want to listen to you. And, you want to listen to them. You're interested in each other. Not so with a #Hijackal. The Hijackal is interested in themselves and want you to be interested in them, too. Sure, in the beginning, it's different. That's how they hook you as I spoke about in the last episode, How Hijackals Hook You Into Toxic Relationships.You know from listening to the episode on the 3 MUST-HAVES in a Healthy Adult Relationship that equality is a must. Do you believe you have that in your relationship with a Hijackal? I'll be not. You may want to bring up a couple of instances when there seemed to be equality, but that's part of the problem. There's supposed to be equality all the time. There's an example of the love that

Hijackals create toxic relationships, and it's important to see the patterns, traits, cycles, and behaviors clearly. That's not easy, but it is necessary. If you've been with a Hijackal or other toxic person for long, you may feel as though you suffer from brain fog. You can't think straight and you're too exhausted to do so anyway. Gain perspective about your situation and best next steps to consider in this episode.Hijackals are those relentlessly difficult, toxic people who seem so perfect for you in the beginning, and eventually fade into mean, thoughtless, self-centered ones later in the relationship. That later can be two days after you marry or move in, or even fade slowly over a couple of years. But, fade it will. Then, what do you do.By the time you've been with a Hijackal for awhile, you may be exhausted from the constant put-downs, from being torn down and worn down. Hijackal count on that. You have to find your legs and stand up for yourself in very specific, non-confrontational ways.One

You hope, hope, hope that a narcissistic person will change. You buy into their promises to change. And, you cross your fingers!Change occurs for a hot minute...or even a warm week, right? And, then, nothing. What's up with that?People with narcissistic tendencies, or those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, have a hard time listening and caring about changes you would like to see. You know that already.So, will #Hijackals ever change?Can narcissists ever change?Do they want to change?What reason would they need to actually care?Are they able to sustain changes...or interested in doin so?I'm delighted to have Dr. Laura Dabney as my return guest to discuss this very important issue that can drive you crazy. You want to believe they'll change, I know. Don't miss this episode.HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:The differences between a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and having narcissistic tendenciesCan you ever love a narcissistic person into loving you well?How to tell the differences

The small, subtle, often sneaky words, actions, and gestures that are small or brief slights, insults, insinuations, or put downs used to marginalize you are microaggressions.These behaviors are frequent and painful. But, they are small and they catch you off guard, wondering if you should speak up. Or, would it be making a mountain out of a molehill? Is that familiar?Hand in hand with microaggressions are microinvalidations: small and frequent ways that you are discounted, dismissed, or denied. When a Hijackal or other toxic person denies that you know what you think, feel, need, want, or even have seen, it can be a microinvalidation. This episode helps you see the small papercuts that are intended to make you emotionally exhausted and bleeding to death. Nasty!To do something about them, though, you have to recognize them when they are happening. Then, using my PWR response as I outline, you have a way to counteract the effect of these microaggressions on you. (The PWR strategy is from my book, Kaizen for Co

Ever wondered how you could possibly find forgiveness for a seemingly unforgivable act? Like being raped, beaten, and left for dead? Today's guest, Lois Wagner, found it, and she shares that journey with you today.Toxic relationships include many kinds of abuse: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse. Moving beyond the toxic relationships is the first step on the healing journey, with so much more to follow.In her book, Walking Without Skin: A Journey of Healing From Fear to Forgiveness to Freedom, she writes:As I walked out of that grey, sad, bad building, I didn’t notice the barbed wire, the electrified fencing, or the armed, bulletproof-vested security guards. I didn’t see the orange-overalled prisoners or hear their raucous laughter. I didn’t notice the wild Spring flowers incongruously surrounding the grey prison buildings. I didn’t see the grazing sheep and cattle, the blue cranes at the dam, or the backdrop of the magnificent snow-capped mountain.When I left tha

Sneaky stuff this emotional brainwashing! It often starts slowly and seems understandable. But, it continues and tips you over into second-guessing yourself and questioning your sanity, right? And, down the slippery slope! Listen in to uncover what may be happening--or has happened--to you. Great start!What's actual brainwashing?Cambridge Dictionary:"the process of making someone believe something by repeatedly telling them its true and preventing any other information from reaching them. Hijackals and other toxic people certainly engage in emotional brainwashing. That's my term for repeatedly gaslighting you by stating that they know you better than you know yourself and they are right about what you think, feel, need, want, remember, and prefer. They continue that process by degrading, belittling, intimidating, manipulating, and lying in an attempt to make you believe that you are much less than you are.Does this sound familiar? It may have started only occasionally: making snide remarks about you, perhaps