Save Your Sanity: Help For Toxic Relationships

Hijackals, narcissists, and other toxic difficult people are mean. In tender moments, they make you feel safe to tell them your innermost secrets, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. Then, they turn those into weapons! They laugh at you, make jokes about your insecurities in front of others, and exploit your vulnerabilities to their advantage. Sound familiar? Hijackals want to have the upper hand at all times. Maybe, you share something that embarrassed you, or share something that scares you, or share something you are afraid of. It feels like a tender moment, and you SO want it to be the intimacy that you long for. You want that emotional closeness. It's what you've been waiting for.Imagine how they rub their hands with glee when you share something with them that puts you in a vulnerable light, or a bad light! They weaponize your insecurities and expose you, blame you, or shame you. They particularly like to do it in public when they hope you'll let it pass without speaking up.WHY? What's up with these peop

Toxic people--emotional manipulators--have an absolute need to win. They NEED to have power over you in order to feel safe in their world. That's their problem. Don't make it yours.To get power over you, Hijackals are masters of emotional manipulation. And, they serve it up two ways: smooth or aggressive. Smooth approaches catch you off guard because you so want to believe them and enjoy the love and peace. Aggressive approaches make you fearful and unable to think clearly in the moment. Therefore, masters of manipulation!Hijackals are always homing their skills of emotional manipulation. If you've had a toxic parent--a #Hijackal parent, you may be so used to the games that you don't notice them at first. After today's episode, you will. Don't spend a second beating yourself up for not seeing it, just pick yourself up, face in a new direction (away), and make some new decisions.You don't deserve to be the prey of a #Hijackal predator. You need to see emotional manipulationHIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:Example

Key to recovery after emotional abuse is learning to care deeply about yourself again. Whether you call it self-esteem or self-love, it's essential to self-confidence. In today's episode, Dr. Audrey Hope and I have an in-depth conversation about finding that self-love to empower yourself to recover from abuse. That is the pathway to the power of self-validation! Sometimes, hearing the term "self-love" seems like white noise: you just don't really hear it anymore. You know it's a good idea but, you gloss over it with your mind. Stop today and rethink that with the ideas we're discussing.Ever had the thought that you're not enough? Maybe there was a person--or persons--in your life who dedicated his or herself to making you feel small, worthless, inadequate, and insufficient. Now, it's time to recover, claim your personal power, and you can. Those nasty #Hijackals--whether your parent or a partner--were wrong. #Hijackals feed from what they strip away from you: self-esteem, self-love, self-confidence, sense of

Hate and Humiliation often go together. ? #Hijackals--relentlessly difficult, toxic people--hate and humiliate to get the upper hand in relationships...AND to make you feel bad about yourself especially in front of other people. It’s nasty! Listen in to understand the double standards of enjoying watching other people be humiliated on Reality TV or Celebrity Roasts, yet hating to be the object of humiliation ourselves. Then, make better decisions about what to do about your relationship with a #Hijackal!#Narcissists and other #Hijackals hate to see you happy. They resent it and too often take swings at you--in every way--to take you down and make you as unhappy as they are inside. Yes, they may appear confident and in control, but inside they are conflicted and concerned every minute.Hijackals work on the premise that making others feel small, miserable, angry, unhappy, and demeaned will assure and secure their power and control. Hence, they use hate and humiliation to accomplish that. Again, nasty!If you are

Dating? Getting back in the dating scene? Does it scare you these days? All this talk--and experience--of breadcrumb dating, ghosting, insecurity, toxicity, safety in relationships? My guest, Tracy Crossley, specializes in helping you to be aware of unhealthy dating patterns and how to change them. Breadcrumb dating needs to be recognized immediately and shut down. Learn today to save yourself unnecessary pain while dating. Tracy Crossley cautions, "Sex is not emotional intimacy." Sometimes, you can hope that it is--or, at least, is the beginning of emotional intimacy. It's not! Often, the earlier you have sex in a relationship the more likely it is that you will experience breadcrumb dating. Save yourself that pain!If you've ever been in a toxic relationship, you are likely to be afraid of dating these days.Who can I trust? Can I trust myself to choose a healthy relationship?Breadcrumb dating is what you likely fear the most because it will mimic the emotional abuse you have already experienced. Do you know

Hooked on the rush of falling in love?Hooked on the feeling of not being able to get enough of another human? Wonder why you want to go running back to the nasty human you knew to leave? It's all about hormones at the most basic level. Your body has its own agenda. It wants you to not think too much so you'll have babies. Yes, I know that sounds a bit simplistic, but it's true. Your hormones go into overdrive. Your hormones override your recognition of danger--emotional danger, physical danger, sexual danger.When hormones get involved, even your risk-taking concerns are overridden!#Cortisol, #dopamine, #serotonin, and #oxytocin all play a significant part in how you get hooked on #Hijackals! Once you recognize this, and really think about it, you can begin to override your body's urges, and overrule the hormone's effects with logical thinking.No, I'm not suggesting you give up the joys of falling in love and get all too practical! I'm suggesting that it's best to recognize how your body wants to move towards

"I know I'm being lied to, but I want it to be true." I hear that so often from clients. I understand that they are so hooked on hope that the person they fell in love with would never lie to them that they believe the lies.Often, they are so exhausted from being in a relationship with a #Hijackal that they don't have the energy to deal with the lying.In today's episode, I'm offering you ten signs of a pathological liar so that you can step back and see if you really have on in your life. That's a good first step.Then, you can hear my thoughts on why they lie. It is very organic, and fundamental to their nature, to lie bold faced. Pathological liars seldom even think about lying. They need to win or be right in the moment, and they'll do whatever it takes in that minute to achieve it. Sound familiar?Then, when you catch them saying something different about the same thing they lied about yesterday, learn why it is never productive to point it out. And, learn what you can do differently when you know that you

#Hijackals manipulate. Therefore, Hijackals lie. Whether that #Hijackal is narcissistic, borderline, or anti-social, it doesn't matter. They will lie.Hijackals--those relentlessly difficult, toxic people--want the outcomes they want. Therefore, they deceive you.Deceiving you means causing you to believe something that is not true usually to gain some personal advantage. Typical of Hijackals, right? They must win. Therefore, you must lose. To them, anything that helps them win is fair game.I know you want to believe the lies. The Hijackal is often telling you what you want to hear with little intention of giving you what you want to receive. They know the edges, and often overstep them.Don't be in denial. A narcissist does NOT have your best interests at heart. NO! Hijackals have their best interests at heart. They even put their own interests over what's best for their children. Nasty!So, it's time to step up and stop accepting the lies!No, don't tell them they are wrong. Don't tell them they are lying. You a

You've likely turned yourself into a pretzel to please a toxic person. That's what they want. You can stand on your head and spit wooden nickels for a decade, and you cannot please them beyond a hot minute when they really want something for you.Notice that!You were discarded. Not your idea. Not your choice. Not your timing.You're unhappy and focused on what you've lost. That's natural.BUT, you're out! Being discarded by a narcissist, or a person who narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies, never feels good. But, you can feel much better when you focus on the ten ways to resist the urge to return to a toxic relationship!Being discarded may have been your worst fear, but look! You're still alive, breathing and all. And, doing all that good stuff in spite of the fact that the #Hijackal, the #narcissist, the #sociopath discarded you. Great start!Feel the pain, but don't wallow in it. There's a difference. Acknowledge the pain. Give it a name. Recognize the source.Then, turn around, face forward, and realize that,

You made it! You have ended the relationship with the toxic, difficult person, the #Hijackal! Good for you! You know what is best for you, and your family.It takes too long to be truly free from a #Hijackal. (I know because I help people do that all around the world via video conferencing.) And, you've done it.Or, you've at least moved away from the person physically. Your emotions may take awhile to catch up. That's normal.So, when you find yourself second-guessing the breakup--because that happens too frequently--I'm giving you six habits to focus on to have the happier, healthier life you want. Pick up your mind when in travels back to #Hijackal Land, and bring it to these six habits. It will help, I promise.When you've been with a toxic person, toxicity rubs of on you a little. You might be edgy, maybe even a little hyper-vigilant still. Quick to feel angry, or quick to feel defeated. That's normal. What to do? Focus on these six things. (You're getting it, right? These six things are important! )New habi

Drama! It keeps you walking on eggshells, wondering when the next supposedly offence on your part will be jumped on. Or, an event will be blown out of proportion. That event may or not have actually happened, right? Accepting responsibility for allowing drama to continue in your life is the first step to putting an END to it. I know, the other person does create it. You may be allowing it, even enabling drama in your relationship.The patterns and persistence of drama and manipulation in a relationship are not hard to spot. What can be hard is deciding where your boundary is, expressing it, and holding it strong. You may have to add non-negotiable consequences if that boundary is crossed or disrespected.Listen in and learn about expressing your boundaries in effective ways.Want to work with Dr. Shaler? Introductory session for new clients, $97 \CONNECT WITH DR. RHOBERTA SHALER:Website: TransformingRelationship.comPodcasts: RelationshipHelpNetwork.comFacebook: RelationshipHelpDoctorTwitter: 

Keeping you in chaos, confusion, and uncertainty is a hallmark of a #Hijackal®. They do it to keep you on guard and off balance. That's a very shaky combination that destroys any possibility of stability in a relationship! Recognizing when a Hijackal is trying to control you (which is always) is an important skill to have for taking back your personal power and sense of self. It's particularly important when that uncertainty has come to feel "normal." There is nothing normal about it, but it is the way #Hijackals roll. You might need to "roll" away!You may find it difficult to clear your head and examine how you really feel at this point.You've likely been told you're wrong so many times that you've come to believe it. You may have been told everything is your fault so many times you've come to think it's true. If either of those things are true for you right now, this is the perfect time to listen in and gather some insights and strengths.Clarity is required. Being with a #Hijackal--maybe a #narcissist--leav

Holidays or any celebration can be stressful. It may be exciting--which is stressful in itself--and it may be distressful.Give yourself permission to recognize and act on the three empowering tips for surviving the holidays with other humans.In fact, these three tips will always help you feel empowered.Are the holidays duty, dread, or delight for you?Can you look forward to any celebration, without concern that it will be ruined by others?If you have a #Hijackal parent or a #Hijackal partner or ex, you know there is downside potential. You likely cannot control anyone in your life, nor would you want to. (Kids excluded, of course...lol)You also don't want to be controlled.You're an adult and you have choices, right? You also don't want your happiness in other peoples' hands. It isn't, but often, folks think that it is. Happiness is an inside job. Place yourself in places, and situations where you can be happy. Remove yourself from situations where you historically cannot find happiness.I know that sound simpl

What a pleasure and honor to have this deep conversation with Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. !Patricia Evans stepped up, spoke up, and spoke out about verbal abuse. Her first book--with four following--is a tribute to her indomitable spirit and unwillingness to stay silent about this gateway behavior.Before a partner hits you, you will have been verbally abused: demeaned, discounted, dismissed, blamed, manipulated, and deceived. Domestic violence starts with verbal abuse.Toxic relationships are verbally abusive. In today's episode, we talk about the aspects of verbal abuse, and Patricia offers insights and strategies to recognize it, and find the strength to move away from it.If you have ever been verbally abused, or think you might be right now, you need to listen now.ABOUT PATRICIA EVANS:An internationally recognized Interpersonal Communications Specialist, Patricia Evans draws upon research of more than thirty thousand cases of verbally abusive relationships. She speaks and co

When you have a #Hijackal® parent, you tend to model their traits, or be set up to be the unwitting "prey" for other predators like them. Having a #Hijackal parent can turn you into "Hijackal Bait." Hijackals are attracted to you, and you are attracted tot hem.Why? Because they seem so familiar. You feel somehow comfortably uncomfortable with them...at least for the first while.Having a Hijackal parent often means that you become the Golden Child in the family, the one who can do no wrong. Or, the Scapegoat, the one who can do nothing right.It's important to realize the potential pitfalls for life and relationship that having a Hijackal parent set you up to take. It certainly wasn't your fault, and you did not create. It's important, though, to recognize what actually happened to you.Today's episode gives you some insights into this.Read the highlights below, and listen in. Subscribe so you'll receive every episode to help you stay clear about what is really going on.-------------------------------------

Difficult, defensive, and destructive behaviors can turn into dangerous ones! These six steps to keep you safer around toxic people, around #Hijackals, are absolutely vital to recognize and take. Keep yourself safer! In today's episode, I'm defining "dangerous" as dangerous to your well-being in all ways, and to your children's well-being and best interests. I give you six vital questions to ask yourself--honestly ask yourself--and honestly answer.When you're with a toxic person, you are likely to make excuses for their behavior, rationalize or justify their behavior. Time to stop doing that. And, time to look at your relationship with honest eyes. You need to see what's really happening, not what you wish was happening, right? Toxic relationships depend on you putting up with verbal and emotional abuse. If you were not willing to, you would not be in the relationship. I know that sounds very harsh and matter-of-fact. You would only put up with these behaviors if you had been taught to, and I want to open you

CRAZY-MAKING! That's what these ten mind-games are!#Hijackals--those relentlessly difficult, toxic people in life must always win. You've noticed that, right? They have to be right, make your wrong, and have their way. That why it is important to recognize these ten mind-games narcissists play to confuse you. Narcissists want you to live in uncertainty. They want the ground beneath your feet to be constantly shifting. AND, they want to be in control of those shifts.When you come to clearly see what a #narcissist is up to, what a #Hijackal is up to, you will be able to make clearer decisions about your next best steps. When you're too worn down to see these things, get some help. I'm always here to help you. BeAClient.com Read the highlights below, and listen in. Subscribe so you'll receive every episode to help you stay clear about what is really going on.--------------------------------------------------------------I'M HERE TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON AND WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT!If you&n

You've divorced a #narcissist, a #Hijackal®. That was difficult, no doubt.Now, you're settling in--or trying to settle in--to some kind of reasonable co-parenting model. That's tough, too. I know, I've done it.It's not easy to co-parent with a #narcissist.It's not what you expected to have to do.You're still resentful about the relationship, and devastated by the divorce.BIG RULE: Never make your children feel like pawns, messengers, or casualties of your divorce. Yes, that's tough, too, but it is SO important.In a perfect world, after divorce, your children would only know that life is more peaceful with two homes, and that they miss the parent they are not with. That's it. That's how it should go.When you have divorced a narcissist, that's not the way it goes, right?In this episode, I'm giving you the 5 IDEALS for conscious co-parentingAND, the 10 REALITIES of co-parenting with a narcissist, co-parenting with a Hijackal.I promised in the episode to give you the five positive affirmations to keep in mind her

BAIT-AND-SWITCH! That's an illegal activity in the U.S. and many other countries, when it comes to advertising great deals. It would be SO good, if it were illegal when it comes to #Hijackals everywhere, too.In advertising terms, bait-and-switch is described as a scam that entices people with a great product of high quality at a very attractively low price. Once a person buys it, they find that they got a low-quality substitute with a no-return policy.Doesn't that remind of you of how you become ensnared by a #Hijackal? You're love-bombed, made to believe you are the most amazing creature on earth and that the Hijackal would go to the ends of the earth for you.Hijackals move quickly. You've likely seen graphics on Facebook that remind you that no one falls in love more quickly than a narcissist who has lost a job and has nowhere to stay. Whether or not that was your case, the Hijackal wants to move quickly: fall in love, move in, get pregnant, borrow money, wham! That's to establish control.By the time the pi

Emotionally Impaired? There's no breathalyzer for that! So, how do you know some is?Every now and then, each one of us may be a little incapacitated by life events. There can be temporary emotional impairment.Where the real problems come is when a person is often emotionally impaired, or more difficult, usually emotionally impaired!You cannot have the three hallmarks I suggest every healthy relationship with the possibility of being emotionally mature and emotionally intimate must have:Equality. Reciprocity. Mutuality.It's essential to creating healthy relationships that each person examine their own behavior first. It's wise to be aware of our own issues.If you find yourself have the same interactions with your partner or parent, or the same complaints about him or her, today's episode may help you identify what is going on and what might be causing the problems. Perhaps, s/he is emotionally impaired.Good news. You can get out of the Hijackal Trap. Read my downloadable ebook, Escaping the Hijackal