Save Your Sanity: Help For Toxic Relationships

Are you with someone who is empathy deficient? Someone who shows almost no interest in your thoughts, feelings, needs, or wants?That could be a parent, partner, ex, sibling, or co-worker. It's so hard to comprehend when someone doesn't seem to have the interest or the bandwidth to take you into account, right?Empathy deficiency!I've done a lot of reading on the topic of empathy, the lack of empathy, and its relationship to narcissistic, psychopathic, sociopathic, and borderline behavior development, as you can imagine. I'm always on a quest to help you understand how these people, relationships, and toxicity happens, and I have to fully understand first.#Hijackals are empathy deficient! I like the clear definition of empathy that is offered by Simon Baron-Cohen of the University of Cambridge in his book, The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty:"Empathy is our ability to identify what someone else is thinking or feeling, and to respond to their thoughts and feelings with an appropriate emoti

The #Hijackal Trap usually closes slowly. At first, everything seems rosy, wonderful, and just what you've always longer for. Then, it starts to close. Narcissistic behavior is crafty! You want to believe what you fell in love with was true, so you rationalize, justify, and excuse red flag behaviors.Did you do that? Are you doing that? That will keep you trapped!In this episode, I walk you through more than eight clear signs and symptoms that you are caught in the #Hijackal Trap, and hopefully, you'll see them clearly. Once you see them, you can make better decisions for yourself...and, for your children. Until you see them, you may think everything is your fault. At least, that's what the Hijackal has been telling you, right?When someone tells you something negative about the person who has caused you to listen to this, do you instantly jump to their defense? Or, do you make it all your fault? These are signs you are in the #HijackalTrapGood news. You can get out of the Hijackal Trap. Read my downloadable eb

Have you heard the term, coercive control? You may not have as it's just slowly coming to awareness. And, it is SO important that it does! Coercive control is life-sucking! That's why I've chosen to give you an understanding of the many aspects of coercive control in today's episode. Evan Stark, PhD, coined the term"coercive control" and he defines it this way,"...an ongoing pattern of domination by which male abusive partners primarily interweave repeated physical and sexual violence with intimidation, sexual degradation, isolation, and control."Does any of that sound like something that has happened to you? He writes about men because he says that coercive control is a 'gendered' issue, He writes about this in his paper, Re-Presenting Battered Women: Coercive Control and the Defense of Liberty.He says,"The primary outcome of coercive control is a condition of entrapment that can be hostage-like in the harms it inflicts on dignity, liberty, autonomy, and personhood as well as to physical and psychological in

So often, clients and members ask me if the relentless difficult, toxic people in their lives are that way on purpose.Followed closely by the question: does s/he want to hurt me?Have you wondered if your mean, blaming partner wants to hurt you?Did you have a #Hijackal parent who told you you were unwanted, or never good enough?Are you in a toxic relationship now?#Hijackals are made, not born. A baby may start life with some leanings, but it's the people in their lives and in the world around them as they gron that influence and teach them how to survive. If you have a #Hijackal parent, you will have had lessons in being unsafe, dismissed, invalidated, and at fault. That's what Hijackal parents do.#Narcissists get offended easily, don't they? #Narcissists are hypersensitive to disrespect, disloyalty, or anyone they think is trying to take something from them. Because they really have no interest in your needs, wants, feelings, or thoughts, they are also not concerned about you. They only care about themselves.

Stop playing these shady, passive-aggressive games! Right? It's not that easy.In this episode, you'll hear three better ways for you to bring clarity to a conversation that is going down that shady, #passiveaggressive path.If you have a relationship with someone--a friend, parent, sibling, partner, co-worker--whose weapon of choice is a passive-aggressive remark or behavior, you know just what I'm talking about in today's episode. Their comment hits you and, at first, it almost sounds logical, and maybe even justified. But, then you realize that you're confused and strangely annoyed...and, it all happened in a split second.Passive-aggressive strike!What a passive-aggressive person says is not neutral. It's charged with underlying anger, often in the form of resentment or entitlement that the speaker may not even recognize or admit to. That anger is often hidden in the way the words are delivered. Sometimes, it's served up while the person looks you straight in the eyes, defying you to make a fuss.Is this at a

I know. You don't want to be accused, or accuse yourself, of abandoning a person. You especially don't want to be accused of abandoning a person in need.#Hijackals are always in need: in need of you to use, misuse, and abuse. Does that make you want to stay? I hope not.Would you tell your best friend to stay in a situation like yours? Hmmmm....pause for thought, right?I'm Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, and I work with individuals and couples from many countries through videoconferencing and I say:"You cannot remain in a strained relationship with no conceivable healthy future out of a sense of duty, obligation, shame, or guilt." Do you understand that?Will you allow yourself to believe that?Will you, then, entertain the idea that guilt, obligation, and duty are NOT reasons to stay in an unhealthy relationship?I hope so.Today's episode is a little hard-hitting--maybe--but that may be what you need today. You may be in the excuse-making business, and there is no profit in that.Got that? THERE IS NO PROFIT IN THE EXCUSE-M

Parents who were emotionally available, perceptive, and responsive to you, to your needs and mental states, are a great gift! They tend to provide you with attachment that is secure. This is an excellent foundation for a healthy emotional life. Parents who were emotionally unavailable, or inconsistently available, perceptive or response to your needs, and tended to intrude their own states of mind onto you as a tiny child, could create what is called a "resistant, ambivalent, or anxious attachment" to others. This is an excellent breeding ground for an unhealthy emotional life. And, in particular, sets the stage for personality distortions in later life.So, that person whom you met when they were an adult--a partner, ex, parent, co-worker--was already pre-disposed to their outwardly self-important, prone to pomposity, self-adoration, and annoyingly entitled behaviors long before you can along.You can't change them.They don't want to change. They see no need to change.Got it?Good!Let yourself off the hook.----

Don't kid yourself! Your "silences" speak volumes!I work with people whose relationships are in crisis for so long, and their hope that not speaking up about things that are bothering them mostly does more damage than anything.Suffering in silence can be the exact opposite of healthy living. It's a poor--and often highly toxic--approach to relationship issues.It's possible that folks who button up and bottle up recall prior negative experiences associated with speaking out. Things just didn't go well, or the result crushed them. Now, they don't want to risk their self-esteem, or the relationship.Here's a HUGE, glaring mistake, too: Too many people talk to their kids about their frustrations with their partners. I'll talk about this more in the episode. But, know that here's the rule: DON'T DO THIS...unless your kids are fully functioning adults with enough relationship experience to have a healthy conversation.Why do quiet, seemingly nice people kill their spouses? One reason is that they "suffered in silence

Any chance you've been walking on eggshells around someone in your life?A parent, partner, sibling, friend, ex?If so, there a good chance you're going to recognize some of their abusive behaviors in today's episode.In fact, you may learn--and you may not want to--that, you're experiencing what I call an "emotional terrorist!:You need to know this, even if you'd prefer not to. I know, who wants to think they know or love any kind of a terrorist, right?Who wants to think they've fallen in love with one, either? Right! No one.You deserve to be loved, appreciated, acknowledged, known, accepted, and heard...just as I write about in my book, Kaizen for Couples. It's important that you not settle for less. Are you in?Well, first let's find out if you're with an emotional terrorist, or, were raised by one. That's the start, and that's what today's episode will give you.--------------------------------------------------------------------I'M HERE TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON AND WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT!I

Do you have a feeling that what's going on in your relationship is less than honest, and yet, you feel strangely like you're not doing enough?You may well be with a covert narcissist!Even for me, working with couples all over the world, it takes longer to identify covert narcissism in a person, and in a relationship, than with other demonstrations of narcissism.Why? Because it is sneaky, under-handed, passive, and plays on your heart strings more than overt or malignant narcissism. It takes longer to be sure that's what's playing out. And, when I'm working with a couple, I want to be sure...and, so do you, I know.Covert narcissists play the victim, misunderstood and under-valued in their own minds. It's all a manipulation, but that's what they want to believe. They feel as entitled as overt narcissists, but, they don't express it in the same ways.Are you with someone who is always the victim?Does s/he tell you that they never are valued, or seen for who they really are?Does that person try to keep you feeling

Abuse in any form is bad news: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, sexual abuse. All bad!And, you need to know what intimate terrorism is because it has the most dire consequences.Domestic violence is a term you're likely familiar with. You may not think of the verbal abuse as domestic violence, or the emotional abuse. It is, though. Often, it is very difficult--even more difficult now with the new wording recently changed by the current U.S. administration--to make your case for these in court. It's still domestic violence.Definition of Domestic Violence from Project-Safe.org :"Domestic violence is the illegitimate use of physical force and/or control tactics within a relations that is intimate, familiar, or cohabitating. There are several types of domestic violence, including intimate terrorism and situational couple violence." You may not yet have heard of "coercive control," either. When coupled with violence, it equals intimate terrorism, and occurs when one p

#Hijackals--those relentlessly difficult toxic people--want to define your reality for you. Right? They try to tell you what you think, what you feel, or what you remember or want. Crazy-making! Telling you who you are and what you think and feel is #gaslighting. Sure, you have friends that you might ask, or be discussing these things with because you value their opinion. Whole different story!Hijackals tell you because they want to define your reality, so that they can have power and control over you. Once they wear and tear you down, you may begin to believe them. STOP! They are doing it for all the wrong reasons. Don't let them.In today's episode, I help you hear phrases differently. You might not have realized this is happening to you because #Hijackals are sneaky, underhanded, and undermining you. They want to take away your self-confidence. They want to make you dependent on them. Nasty!I share with you how--and why that 'how' is important--to change your response, and what to say. It can make a huge di

People can be difficult. No lie, right! Sometimes, they are difficult for a moment. Sometimes, through a rough patch. Today's episode is help for dealing with those two kinds of occasionally difficult behavior.Although these strategies are foundational to what you have to do when you're with the relentlessly difficult, toxic people I call #Hijackals, there is SO much more to learn about how to effectively manage toxic relationships. That's why most of the episodes on Save Your Sanity are very specific to the #Hijackals, the folks who will create toxic relationships, for sure.But, you will meet moments when even those people who can be mostly loving are difficult. These areas in today's episode are worth exploring within yourself. You may find that you would feel better--and more prepared and confident--if you got some more skills to respond to these situations.Join in my OptimizeCircles.com where you can ask questions directly, as well as get support from other members. It's all SAFELY off social media, only

Are you tired of being wrong? #Hijackals--those relentlessly difficult toxic people in life--cannot be wrong, so everything HAS to be your fault.That's exhausting, right? And, of course, it's not true. If you stay with a #Hijackal for long, you may begin to second-guess yourself too often. You may question your sanity. Or, you can get so worn down and torn down, that you don't have any self-esteem or self-confidence to call on for much. Let's stop that, ok?Now, is the time to tune into these eight crystal clear signs that the person you're loving--the person you are hooked on and hope loves you--is NOT THAT PERSON you thought they were. In the beginning, they did all they could to "get" you, and usually as quickly as possible. It was dreamy. Now, it's a bit of a nightmare!You've bent over backwards to accommodate their needs, wants, and desires, and you're left bent, crooked, and out of shape emotionally. That's not right! That's not fair! That's not healthy!#Narcissists do this all the time. They suck you in

Being abused is a BIG deal! Not recognizing it is also a BIG deal.Often, when it happens when you are young, it becomes buried in the fabric of your life and you don't realize that you are operating from it. That happens too often.Maybe, you've downplayed the emotional abuse, or any other kind of abuse, in your mind to somehow make it alright, or at least, tolerable. Maybe, you've made up excuses for the other person. Or, worse, you've taken on the blame for the abuse on yourself!No. The very best thing you can do for yourself is to get some help to take a detailed look at your life, and see what really happened to you. Start with the insights and questions in this episode, and journal your thoughts.Emotional abuse can make your life darker. It's limiting, and enclosing. You need to be free from it, and that begins with recognizing the emotional abuse.This episode will definitely help, especially if you take the time to reflect on the questions. You deserve to do that. YOU MATTER!-----------------------------

You're been in the relationship for a while. Maybe, it's even your parent! Or, a new partner?Or, you're waking up to the fact that you simply cannot please your partner because s/he WILL NOT be pleased, no matter what you do!Your partner may be a #Hijackal®.Your partner may have narcissistic behaviors and self-centered motives.Your partner may have anti-social behaviors.Your partner may incapable of empathy, and therefore, incapable of real love.You need to know these six red flags!These constantly flying red flags--and really, they are always there when you know what to look for--and how you can look at them differently to see how destructive and damaging they really are to your sense of self. Oh, and of course, they create impossible to enjoy relationships, too!I create the term, Hijackals®, to give us a way to talk about the patterns, traits, and cycles of difficult people without the necessity of psychological diagnosis. A diagnosis won't help you deal with them, but knowing what they are up to will.Here'

Are you caught in The Hijackal Trap? You really need to know, so you can make clear choices. The Hijackal® Trap is often very hard to recognize because it is often subterranean, deep in the murky areas of the relationships only showing up every now and again. Or, maybe, it's showing up increasingly frequency now, and you need to know right away.You get glimpses of it in confusing early moments in your relationship, and if you're like most people with a desire to be in love, you ignore those glimpses because you want everything to be wonderful, solvable, and moving in a great direction towards one another. Right? That's the way it's supposed to work. It doesn't work that way with #Hijackals, sadly.The Hijackal Trap is illusive. Now you see it. No, you don't. And, because you don't really want to see it, you likely ignore it or make excuses for it when it does raise its ugly head.You're listening today because you know you are tired of feeling put down, worn down, or torn down...and, usually all three!Hijackals

You're out! You likely took a long time to make the decision to leave the narcissist, or in my terms, the #Hijackal. You also likely talked yourself out of it more than a few times, right? Then, you make your move for all the right reasons. It's difficult AND you do it. Uh-oh! Now, you're second-guessing your decision, and beating yourself up a bit. NO! Please don't!Remind yourself that you left for all the right reasons.Not so easy when you're feeling unsure, alone, and maybe even a little helpless...at least, once you're in your new place all along. Right?That's when the doubts creep in, You wonder if you did the right thing. You start romanticizing the past and remembering only the good parts. Oh, I know, I've been there, and I left, too.So today, I'm talking about understanding what may be driving you to think of going back to the abusive relationship. I give you SIX practical and immediate things to do to stay on the path of leaving, and keep yourself on an even keel while staying away. So important for

Oh, my! I can imagine that for a few folks the title of today's episode caused them a brief moment of near apoplexy!No, I didn't choose it for its shock value, nor did I choose it to be controversial. I chose it because there are a few things about unconditional love that you may not know, and maybe, you may have a little blind belief that to be a "good" person. you must strive to be unconditionally loving to all people at all times. Not so.Before you set your hair on fire--or want to do that to mine...lol--please listen to the whole episode.It is NOT heresy. I am a deeply spiritual person and I've led several spiritual centers and organizations. I am very familiar with the constructs and demands of unconditional love. So, I feel I'm a good person to give you this food for thought.I've covered the four ways in the highlights section below, but each one requires explanation and that's what I've done in the episode.I really, really, really hope you'll think about these things, after listening to the whole episo

You've left, or you're close to leaving. It's scary! Sometimes, you're so sure you need to leave. Too often, you're second-guessing yourself. I hear clients, and people in my groups, say, "I want out of this relationship, no matter what the cost." And I understand that too well. When there is physical or sexual abuse, you may need to leave immediately.You're saying, "I'm at the end of my rope and I don't have the energy or will to tie a knot! I've been there. I know.I also know, though, that that's when you have to find the energy to re-focus on finding your way out of the relationship with the best interests of yourself and your children in mind. And, that means summoning up the energy to stand up on your back legs, and get what you deserve.So, today, I'm offering you five essential ways to keeping up your courage, while ending your relationship AND saving your sanity, self-esteem, and self-control. YOU CAN!---------------------------------------------------------------------I'M HERE TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT W