Wife Of An Alcoholic: Recovery | Loving An Alcoholic | Codependency| Michelle Lisa Anderson

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, he would try to blame his addiction on me. He would call me a nag or controlling or no fun. As if I stopped nagging he would stop drinking. Or he would try to get me to believe if I stopped monitoring how much he drank he would stop drinking so much. Or how about if I had a little more fun (i.e. party with him) he wouldn’t need to party so much. You’re not buying this, are you? All these attempts are ways this disease tries to make us feel guilty. This is called unnecessary guilt. The condemning kind of guilt that doesn't come from God. If you can relate to anything I just shared, let me help put this ridiculous guilt trip and attempt to manipulate it back into perspective. You could be a mannequin. Literally a mannequin - like the ones they have in department stores - and your partner would be drinking or using drugs. Picture it for just a second. You could be one of those mannequins in the store with a wig and a perfect body and be standing in the kit

Happiness. It’s a feeling that seems unattainable when we're in the darkness of loving someone who suffers with drinking too much or addiction. How can you feel happy in the thick of your pain? Is it possible? Yes, it’s totally and completely possible to go from hurt to joyful in an afternoon. How do I know? Because I’ve done it many, many times. There were lots of mornings when I was a young mom of three and my husband had not come home from his night of drinking and partying. I woke up and had to carry on. The kids needed breakfast and the house needed to be picked up. Life had to keep moving forward, with or without him. One morning I woke up and was determined NOT to go a single minute feeling depressed and defeated anymore. I was not going to let this disease rob me of my happiness and rob my kids of the mom they deserved to have (it was bad enough they didn’t have their father present - I couldn’t check out too). Here are three things I did to feel happy that completely changed my day around to one of

Are you feeling trapped in your marriage with an alcoholic or substance abuser? You love him or her, so you want to stay in this relationship. But you're angry, confused, and feeling hopeless. You don't know how much more you can take. Have you ever threatened to leave your loved one because you want to scare him or her into getting sober? (this almost never works for long-term sobriety, so no need to try) The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don't see a way out. You cling to the good person you fell in love with. You need the best version of him or her. On the days you lose hope that your partner will ever get sober for good, you may secretly entertain the idea of leaving. But how would you support yourself? Where would you go? Will your children blame you for breaking apart the family? What would your family think? What would God think? It's not simple, is it? It's complicated and messy. But I'm here to remind you sweet friend: You don't need to make up your mind to leave or stay today. Forgive yo

I had a friend who worked evenings. She was gorgeous and kind-hearted. She always wore the most beautiful outfits. We were both pregnant at the same time. She was having a boy and so was I, so we bonded over our growing bellies and swollen ankles. We also had something else in common: Our husbands were both addicted to cocaine. And because she worked nights, he would throw wild parties while she was working and I know this because my husband often attended those wild parties. After our boys were born, we would meet on the playground every Monday. She would be looking all wonderful with her clean clothing and clean hair and I would look like a hot mess with baby food on my sweatshirt who had not slept all night. (I’m sharing this with you because sometimes the shiny, pretty people are the ones we most admire, but they need love and acceptance just as much as we do.) Every time we were on the playground, she would complain that after working late she would come home to find it trashed. The house was littered w

Holidays… when you’re married to someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction they can be difficult, can’t they? You’re hoping for the best. You’re praying that they will stay sober so you can have a wonderful, warm, and loving holiday.   Maybe you’re planning on visiting with family and they don’t have any idea how bad things have gotten at home. Or perhaps you have children and you just want their father to be the loving dad they deserve. I know exactly how you feel. When I was married to a wonderful man who struggled with this disease, I had really high expectations for the holidays. I decorated the house, cooked delicious food (or sometimes if I was busy, I would purchase some delicious food), and I would invite my family over to celebrate and have fun. But during all my planning, I was feeling nervous. In the back of my mind I was worried that he wouldn’t stay sober and my big plans to have a lovely and happy holiday would be ruined. And, the truth is, my reality was far different than the dream

Today we are going to talk about the top three ways to get your partner to stop lying to you. Let me start off by asking you a question: Have you, my sweet listener, yelled, screamed, pleaded and begged, bargained, counseled, and done everything else you could possibly think of to get your loved one sober? You are exhausted and resentful that you stay up late into the night worrying and trying to figure out how you can help while your partner is lying there passed out on the couch from another night of drinking or drugs. And tomorrow he or she will probably wake up and act like nothing happened - meanwhile, you feel like your heart was just ripped out. You try to talk to them, doing your best to let them know just how awful he or she was last night. How much they hurt you. And how they broke their promises (again) to stop drinking or using drugs. After some denial, he or she sits there and listens to you and watches you get all your feelings out. You present a long-winded, detailed, vulnerable, honest monolog

Warning: you’re about to read something that will be difficult to swallow. It was posted by an alcoholic from another website. And although it might be tough, I think hearing it will help you understand that starting your recovery is the most important, life-changing step you can make.   If you want a happier, more peaceful life, you can start with the one thing this disease can’t control - YOU. The change that needs to be made in your life starts with you. Are you ready to hear the truth? Here are some words from an alcoholic… My name is _______ and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I canno

Loving a man who drinks too much or suffers from addiction can be hard 365 days a year. But on some days, it's more difficult. This year on Halloween night I want you to be prepared for a lot drinking. When most people are passing out candy and enjoying themselves during the holiday, you might try to make the best of it, but you are left feeling anxious and worried about your partner's choice to drink or not. You love them (or at least you love the person you know your loved one can be when they're sober and happy). But he or she turns into a totally different person after a few drinks. You feel sick to your stomach when you’ve caught them drinking again. So, my wonderful and loving friends, how can we as a community of women prepare ourselves for Halloween when we love someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse? I am going to teach you four different ways you can enjoy Halloween, whether your partner is drinking or not. I wish I had these tools years ago. 1. Have a game plan. Don’t just pray

Do you want to learn how to feel joy, happiness, and peace whether your partner gets sober or not? I thought you would. I have a free video for you at the end of this post that will teach you why your happiness doesn't depend on your loved one's sobriety. In that video, I share more details about the Love Over Addiction program that's now open for enrollment. You love an alcoholic or substance abuser. One day you think he or she is doing better, and the next they're saying cruel and hurtful things. You trusted them and they broke your heart. The moment you find out your partner was drinking or using drugs or gambling again, it feels like you’ve been punched in the gut. A lump in your throat appears. How could he or she do this again? This time you really think this disease is going to kill you. You’re done. You’re broken. Your partner is broken. Nothing is working and you can’t figure out how to help. How did your life get to this point? You may even be embarrassed when you compare your life to other couples

If you’re the wife of an alcoholic or substance abuser, you are not powerless over his addiction. You don’t need to wait for him to get sober to start to feel happiness. Join us for encouragement, hope and some fun (because recovery doesn’t need to be all depressing.) How to feel love, joy and happiness while loving an alcoholic or substance abuser.  If you feel exhausted from trying to help, depressed when he’s been drinking or using drugs and worried this rollercoaster ride will never end, we can help.

Loving an alcoholic can be such a devastating, heartbreaking relationship. It's difficult for people to really understand the pain and loneliness you're going through. This disease can make you feel like you're crazy. Because of that, I created a checklist that will help you know that what you're feeling is normal. You're not alone, my sweet reader. Loving an Alcoholic Checklist Do you worry about how much your loved one drinks? Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself? Do you put his or her needs above your own desires or over your children's needs? Do you cover up for your partner and try to protect them by lying to their boss, friends, or family about his or her drinking? Do you search the house, the recycle bin, or the garage for bottles or drugs? Have you suspected that your partner is having an affair or looking at pornography? Have you been tempted to call the police after your loved one has been drinking? Are you exhausted from trying to fix his or her problems? Do you feel that if your pa

You feel trapped in a marriage to an alcoholic or substance abuser.   You love your partner, so you want to stay in this relationship, but you’re angry, confused, hopeless, and you don’t know how much longer you can take it all.   You might have told your loved one that this was the last chance to save your relationship. That he or she had to get sober because you don’t know how much more of this you can take. The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don’t see a way out. The good man or woman you fell in love with is the person you cling to. The loving, best version of him or her - that’s the person you need. You want that person to stay sober. On the days you lose hope that your loved one will ever get sober for good, you entertain the idea of leaving. But how would you support yourself? Where would you go? Will your children hate you for breaking apart the family? What would your family think? It’s not simple, is it? It’s complicated and messy. Maybe your anger and desire for your partner to get sober

When you love someone who drinks too much or has substance abuse issues, you are hoping with all your heart that they will finally get sober. You want the pain and suffering to end. So are you helpless? Do you have to sit back and wait patiently for your partner to decide that enough is enough? No way! Waiting for your loved one to get sober leads to depression, anxiety, and resentment. Yuck! Today, I’m going to teach you a two-step formula that needs to happen if you want to see a change in your relationship. And before we start going into our first step, I was afraid you might be feeling a little overwhelmed, since there’s a lot we’re going to cover today. I thought it would be helpful if I created a free download that will arrive in your inbox in moments. It’s a list of all the steps we discuss in this blog post. You can print it out and tuck it away. Now, before we get started, I want to add a disclaimer. You are an intelligent woman, so what I’m about to share may sound obvious. The only way your partne

I often talk about one of the ways this community is different - we believe you’re not powerless over this disease. And for those of you who know me and have been listening to the podcast or reading our blog for a while, you might be thinking “Yeah, Michelle I know. I’ve heard you say this so many times.” Here's another way our community is different: We believe that codependency can be a very good thing. Yes, it’s true. Codependency practiced with the right people at the right time can be a huge gift. Here are three benefits of codependency. 1. When everyone else has walked away, you stay to help. Here's an example: let’s pretend we’re running a marathon. There is a moment in the race that some runners hit where their bodies just give out and they literally collapse. It’s not an uncommon scene in the last five miles of a marathon. But what is uncommon is the runner who stops her race and forgoes her own time to help the person next to her who is struggling. Most people train for an event like this for years,

I met my first husband in high school. At the time, I was broken. I didn't have a super traumatic childhood like some people, but I was definitely lacking love and attention and seeking approval from the wrong crowd as a result. I also really, really cared about people. Their pain was my pain. Even if it was a conversation with a stranger sitting next to me on a train. For that hour-long ride, I would listen as they told me about their sister dying. Or the woman I just met in the waiting room telling me about her husband fighting a war in a foreign land. My heart hurt for them. And that’s okay. Some people believe this would be a sign of codependency. And maybe it is. But it’s nothing I would choose to change about myself. I love that God gave me the gift of empathy and compassion for others. Listening to someone who has the courage to be vulnerable with a total stranger is a privilege that should be honored. And my guess, sweet listener, is that you have that gift too. You are the kind of woman who feels oth

The disease of addiction can make you feel so little so fast. But, remember - there are three of you in this relationship: you, your partner, and this addiction. And it’s important to remember that it’s the evil disease called “addiction” that is killing your relationship, not your loved one. Addiction wants to take you down. So what do you do when your partner's addiction has taken over once again and he or she is lashing out? Today, I am going to give you four helpful tools you can start to use immediately to take back your power and help you feel in control. Get out or hang up. Your partner can’t verbally abuse you if you are not around to be their punching bag. Leave the room. Walk away or hang up the phone. Respectfully. No yelling, slamming doors, or shaming (I know... it’s hard). Don’t try to solve his issues. This disease is cunning and strong. You will lose. The only one who stands a chance of taking this disease down is your loved one. Let him or her fight their own battles. Don’t engage in a fight

One of the biggest things to remember about the disease of addiction is that it loves to lie to you. Addiction has no shame either - it will lie straight to your face and use the one you love most to get the biggest impact. Here are three of the biggest lies to look for when you love an alcoholic or substance abuser. 1. It is my fault he drinks too much. It was much easier to blame myself for my ex-husband's drinking issues than to think he was out of control. I was willing to take the blame. To own the responsibility. It was my fault. Somehow, some way… I caused this to happen. What a scam. What a big fat lie this disease tries to make you believe. Are you taking the blame, my sweet friend? Are you owning your partner's baggage? You can’t do that. You’ve got to lay it down. Because last time I checked, you weren’t holding a bottle up to your loved one's mouth. You weren’t the one buying drugs or suggesting he or she goes out to party. Your reactions to your partner's disease are NOT the reason he or she tur

There’s a popular expression that says there are two sides to every story. The reason it’s popular is because it’s true. Usually, during conflict in a marriage, there is responsibility that needs to be owned by both husband and wife. And as some of you know, I was once married to a good man who suffers with addiction and alcoholism. I’m now remarried and have six beautiful children. I wondered if that statement above was true with addiction. Do I have any responsibility for my partner's drinking or drug use? Is it really my fault he makes hurtful choices? Should I carry this guilt around that weighs a ton? When he cuts me with his words, did I do something to deserve it? After a deep and long search of my heart, I decided to give back the responsibility of his life to him. That’s exactly where it belongs. I refused to own someone else’s choices. But my healing doesn’t end there. I went deeper… because not owning my ex-husband's addiction wasn’t enough. I knew I had responsibility for my own choices. The yelli

In today’s post, I am actually going to do something a little different. I’m not going to give you a tip. Today, I just want to encourage you. Tips and advice are good and can be super helpful, but sometimes we all just need a friend to encourage us. And that’s what my heart was telling me you needed today. No how-tos.  Just encouragement and love. Just a friend to come alongside you and remind you that I understand and it will be okay. There might be times you want to leave your alcoholic partner, but you love him or her too much. You are worried about your family and how to survive without your loved one. What will you do for money? Where will you live? You don’t feel strong enough. You are hoping life will get easier. You need someone to tell you that soon, you will be happy. You want nothing more than to be told that your loved one will get sober for good. You feel alone and your heart hurts. Your life is out of control and your partner's bad habits are taking over. Anger is always living beneath the sur

You might be feeling angry or like your life is out of control sometimes. You are mad at yourself for staying with your partner. And you can hate him or her at times when they break your heart because once again you trusted them and once again he or she lied. But you don’t really hate your partner. You love him or her. Deeply. If you didn’t love them, you wouldn't care. That’s why you feel so angry. A girlfriend of mine from college is married to one of my favorite men in the world, who happens to be a recovering alcoholic. He told her, "We hate ourselves enough for everyone. You don't need to hate us too." Whatever is in your heart determines what you say. You know who said that? Jesus. And it’s so true. Most of the time we can attempt to muster up all the willpower in the world to control our anger, but it’s not enough. We still end up yelling, guilt-tripping, lecturing, and letting loose on our loved one. Who wouldn’t when you live with this kind of craziness? It's okay to feel angry. But, if you want to