Wife Of An Alcoholic: Recovery | Loving An Alcoholic | Codependency| Michelle Lisa Anderson

Do you overcomplicate things in your life?   Maybe you make a decision only to doubt if it's the right one? Do you stay stuck in your situation because you're afraid if you step out in faith it will be too soon or too late? Or the wrong step? Use this checklist to make your next decision and see if your plans match God’s will. Take action immediately. Move forward with courage and strength. You have His permission. You have God's promises. What more confirmation do you need? How to Make Your Next Decision: If it's kind - it's God’s will. If it's an act of strength and courage - it's God’s will. If it's moral - it's God's will. If it's honest - it's God’s will. If it's loyal - it's God's will. If it's fair - it's God's will. The details don't matter. It's very simple. When faced with a decision, I remind myself of these promises: God promises protection. He will be my bodyguard. God promises wisdom. He will keep an eye on me. I was given a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.   And so were you.  Let’s

I signed up to volunteer with the 4-year-olds at church one Sunday, and about ten minutes into the class, I started looking at the clock and wondering how much longer until the class was over. Let’s be super clear: I love children. I have six of my own, but I am certain being a preschool teacher or working with young kids is not my gift.   Maybe it’s because I think about germs way too much. Maybe it’s because I prefer adult talk. Maybe it’s because I always feel like I need a nap afterward. I just know that I was not the person who was made to volunteer in a class full of beautiful, precious children. I have good friends who love serving in that position, so I am going cheer them on and I will find somewhere else to serve. Also, I don’t feel guilty about it - I just know that it's not for me. That’s a boundary I have put in place. Anytime someone asks me to volunteer with little ones, I politely (and respectfully) decline. Boundaries are important for every woman, but they are especially important when you

It’s not uncommon for the ones we love who are struggling with addiction to have an affair. This disease makes good men and women do awful, hurtful things. So if you have been a victim of infidelity, my heart can relate. We are sisters. And it’s devastating. Your heart feels like it’s physically in pain and it takes your breath away in random moments throughout the day - like when you’re doing the dishes or reading a book. After my ex-husband cheated I felt dirty and used. How could he? Isn’t the fact that I am still with him enough? I am sticking by his side while he drinks himself to death and continually breaks promises to get better. Doesn’t that count for something? But the really scary part? When we find out they are cheating and we still want them back. You judge yourself for needing them. Shouldn’t this be my breaking point? Any “normal” woman would kick them out of the house and never want to see them again. But you feel the opposite. You feel like you want them close. So close. You want them to conf

Several years ago, my dad took my brother and me on a trip to Paris. We went to the Louvre one afternoon and we paid extra money for headsets that you can wear while walking around the museum. The headsets tell you about each picture and the artist. It was stunning. There were so many beautiful pieces of artwork that I didn't know where to lay my eyes. My brother and I just walked from hallway to hallway, overwhelmed by all of the beauty that these artists were able to create. But there was one hallway in particular that was filled with tourists who were waiting in a long line to enter a room with a very special painting. This painting is considered a masterpiece. I can't tell you specifically what makes one painting a masterpiece and one painting just a regular painting. But this piece of art was so beautiful and so perfect that dozens of people were in line in order to just get a glimpse of it. Each detail had been carefully painted. Every stroke of the paintbrush was intentional and well-planned and though

It’s not “normal” to love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction, so we can’t use “normal” relationship tools. There are common mistakes that we make when we’re trying to help that might not actually be helpful at all. Here’s a brief list of 7 mistakes you might be making: 1. You keep track of your partner's drinking. If you tell your partner not to drink in the house, he or she will just find another location. If you throw out their liquor, they will spend more money replacing it. You have no control over his or her consumption of anything they put into their body. 2. You lecture him or her. No matter how much you threaten your loved one, it won't change his or her behavior. Show them the consequences of their behavior with your actions, NOT your words. 3. You say mean things about them to your kids. This is a major no-no. Your children need to feel safe. They have the right to form their own opinion about your loved one, not just inherit yours. 4. You look up recovery information for him or

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction can feel like your relationship is a roller coaster. One day your partner is loving and kind and the next moment they are sick and angry. It can be a lot. Does that mean you are helpless? No way. Here are 5 tips to show this disease that you are not powerless. 1. Put on some great music. Maybe it’s classical, pop, or worship music. Whatever your choice, just turn it on and crank up the volume. And then - here's the secret - dance! When life gets a little too serious around my house, I put on some Justin Timberlake, call the kids into the room, and we have a dance party. If it’s dark outside we turn off all the lights and take out the emergency flashlights and dance in the dark with beams of lights flashing everywhere. It’s a great way to let it all go, burn some calories, and laugh. Everyone gets to pick one or two songs. Dancing while standing on the coffee table or couch is totally encouraged. If anyone starts dancing in a bad mood, by the third

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, I stopped taking care of myself and became consumed with taking care of him. Slowly, the things that I enjoyed doing the most took a back seat. My day job became a real distraction to my other job of trying to keep him sober. I was so uncomfortable living with addiction that I found comfort in food. Candy bars, brownies, pasta - they all gave temporary feelings of happiness (that were followed by feelings of shame). And my kids... my poor kids. They really only got half my attention because in the back of my mind I was always worried their dad was never going to become the man I knew they deserved. And then the day came when I realized I needed to leave my marriage. Living like this was no longer possible. I was convinced that I had to take my three young kids and go. I talk a lot more about this moment in the programs that we offer. If you love him and don’t want to leave, or if you’re thinking you're not sure how much more of this you can take… I have

I thought I would make you a video about one of my most favorite topics to discuss: the struggles of the secrecy that comes hand-in-hand with addiction. Do you wonder if you should tell anyone about your family disease? Is there someone you want to confide in but you’re not sure how to tell them what’s really going on in your home? Are you feeling lonely and isolated because you’ve lost most of your friendships? I discuss all that in this video. The struggle to keep this disease a secret is real. Together we can help break the stigma of addiction. This disease happens to good men and women and it’s not something we should feel ashamed about. I adore you. We are in this together.

So here’s the deal…. for years I have been sending you letters and recording podcasts of encouragement and love (with some helpful tips) because I think of you all the time. Seriously. Every. Day. And I have grown to love you. So, as your loving friend, I would like to give you a kind nudge and ask you this: If you have not joined the programs...what are you waiting for? Because I know you so well, I have an idea why you’re not joining me, but I won’t go into that right now. Instead, I will list some of the reasons you SHOULD join us: If the one you love doesn’t get sober, you STILL need to recover. If they do get sober, you could send them back into relapse if you don’t start your own program and learn how to deal with all the past yuck. You have been so focused on trying to get them sober, you have forgotten about learning the tools to take care of yourself. You need tools. This disease is not normal, so normal “techniques” that work in “typical” marriages don’t work. If you’re thinking about leaving or st

If you love someone who is struggling with addiction, you might be feeling alone and disappointed since this season is just not turning out the way you hoped it would. Too much alcohol has been consumed, angry words have been said or shoved deep down inside. Drugs, pills, or pornography have become a regular part of your life. If this sounds like you... please lean in close because I need you to hear me. None of this is your fault. Your partner's anger, rejection, or denial? You don’t deserve any of it. You’re a loving, caring, and thoughtful woman who’s just trying to give her family the best life she knows how. And it’s almost impossible with addiction being the uninvited guest in your home. Hang in there. This will pass. Take a deep breath. Grab your jacket and go for an evening walk. Look up at the stars and know there is someone in charge other than you. Ignore him or her. Ignore all that comes with this disease for now.  Love the ones who are loving you. Hold them close. Children, friends, or pets - jus

Did I ever tell you one of the reasons I decided to leave my husband was because of a basketball hoop we purchased for my kids' Christmas gift?   My six-year-old son really wanted to learn how to play basketball. And we had just enough space in our backyard to set up a real basketball hoop so he could safely practice. This hoop was not the plastic kind for little kids. This was the heavy, 10-foot, NBA kind. On Christmas morning, my oldest son opened the big gift. But tears started rolling down his cheeks when he realized it had to be assembled. I looked at my husband and waited to see if he would grab some tools and get started. Instead of assembling his son’s new toy, he got in his car on Christmas day to meet his drug dealer. My teenage brother came to the rescue and put together the basketball hoop in the cold, snowy weather for hours until his hands became numb and the sun went to sleep. All that work just to see my kids enjoy their gift. That’s the kind of love my children needed. But it was not the kind

You love a good man or woman who drinks too much or suffers from addiction. This disease is cunning and secretive. There are things you need to know that addiction will never share with you. They are important things that could change your life and the way you feel about yourself.   Here’s a list of the top 4 things this manipulative disease does not what you to know (and I am happy to reveal): 1. It’s not your fault. His or her disease is the reason your family life feels like it’s falling apart. It’s not about you. You’re lovely. You’re a wonderful gift that is not being appreciated. Don’t leave your self-worth in the hands of someone who is sick. The dysfunction that’s going on under your roof has nothing to do with you. 2. It’s not your job to get your partner better. Stay in your own lane. Your efforts won’t make a difference unless he or she wants them to. Spend your time and energy on something that gives you joy instead of wasting it thinking about how to help him. The more you try to help, the more y

Are you more comfortable putting yourself down than being kind to yourself? How do you react when someone compliments you? Do you take a moment to breathe it in, or are you quick to reject? When you’ve done something good you need to do two things: Recognize it. Sit with it. Dwell in it with a sense of accomplishment and achievement. It doesn't need to be some super large accomplishment. It could be as simple as loading and unloading the dishes. Celebrate all the little daily accomplishments. They are just as important to recognize as the big tasks you’ve achieved. Recognizing your small victories allows feelings of joy into your heart. These little moments of happiness grow your confidence. Get in the habit of noticing all the things you are doing well rather than the things you're not. Did you drive yourself safely to work today? That's good - you were a safe driver. Take a moment to celebrate that! Did you get the kids to school on time today? Perfect - you're considerate of their teachers’ time and you ar

Do you feel beaten down? Like you don’t recognize yourself anymore while loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction? This disease does a really good job trying to convince us that we are helpless. But that’s a lie. There are many things you can do to help your relationship and give him a better chance of sobriety One of the best ways to help is by learning the most common mistakes you might be making when loving an alcoholic or substance abuser. Click here for a free training video where I walk you through each one of these steps. You don't want to miss it (and you will love the helpful - and beautiful - slides in the video). Plus, it's under five minutes - because I know you're busy. Here are seven mistakes you may be making: 1. Keeping track of your loved one's drinking. If you tell him or her not to drink in the house, they will just find another place to drink. If you throw away the liquor, they will just spend more money replacing it. You have no control over anything your partner choo

For years, I thought I had an idea of what a boundary was. I even thought I was implementing them in my home and my relationships.   But it turns out, I was wrong. Boundaries can be really confusing and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. So, today I am going to give you a big picture idea of what a boundary is. Imagine yourself walking along the beach and you find a stick. You take that stick and draw a big long line across the sand.   Boundaries are lines in the sand that tell others, “I’m not willing to cross this line. This is as far as I will go." "You can walk next to me, but there is a point I will need to stop. And when we reach it, I would love for you to respect me and stay with me, but if you must step over my line, you will need to do it alone." "I will no longer be walking with you. I might be waiting for you if you decide to come back and join me.  And I may miss you, or I may miss only parts of you. But I will not cross this line.” My line in the sand is for my protection. It to

The holidays are usually so difficult when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers with substance abuse. While everyone is excited to celebrate, attending all the holiday parties, and planning for a perfect celebration, somewhere in the back of your mind you’re just worried how much your partner is going to drink. You’re feeling anxious that he or she won’t be able to hold it together. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells and waiting for the moment you smell alcohol on their breath. Or perhaps you’re just hoping and praying you won’t be receiving a phone call or text message telling you he or she is going to be coming home late. So instead of spending your time worrying, I want you to have a wonderful holiday if your partner drinks or not (yes, it’s possible). I’m going to share a few helpful tips about boundaries that will help you celebrate this holiday season with a full heart and a deep gratitude. I know we spoke about boundaries last week, but I want to really cover the basics because i

Let me ask you a question… do you have boundaries in your life? Let’s get even more basic than that…. do you know what a good boundary is? Having a good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in your personal, spiritual, and physical growth. So, you know having boundaries are important, right? But we’re not quite sure what they are? Just the idea of boundaries can be scary. Usually, because we don’t want anyone being mad at us and we don’t want to rock the boat. But let me tell you, my sweet and wonderful friend - you can’t go through life feeling the kind of self-love and self-respect that God has intended you to feel until you get some good healthy boundaries. ALL the tools in the world will not help if you don't define, own, and state your protective line in the sand. Do you need help with your boundaries? Let’s start off with the basics first: Boundaries are all about defining what is okay and what’s not okay with our personal behavior and how we cho

The other day I got an email from a loving woman who has been a member of our community for years. She is in love with a man who drinks too much and suffers from addiction. This is what she wrote me: I used to read your blogs and they would make me angry. Not at you, but I kept thinking, "Why won't he change? I give him everything. I pray, I plead, I'm loving him through it.   But now your emails don't make me upset or angry! I read them and say, "Oh, I get it! It's not me! I'm okay! I was talking with my therapist about this and he said, "Tell Michelle that she should write a blog post for women and remind that that if her advice makes them angry or upset, they’ve got work to do." You do great work and have an amazing blog! Thank you for being open about the reality of addiction and helping so many! I am going to take the advice of her very wise therapist. If you have ever read my words and feel defensive or if you feel you’ve tried all the advice and nothing is getting your partner sober and you feel just

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can be really difficult. No one prepares you for how to handle the lying, the denial, or the feelings of of hopelessness. What you think should work, doesn't. So you’re left not really knowing what to do. Your best doesn't seem to be helping him or her get sober. That’s why you need some direction. A clear path that will teach you exactly what to do and what not to. You might be thinking you’re helping, but you could actually be hurting your partner. What feels like a loving thing to do might actually be enabling. How do you know if you’re helping or hurting the person you love? You start your own program. If you loved a man or woman with cancer, you would go to an expert who would teach you how to care for them. But what experts sometimes forget to tell us that it’s equally important for us to care for ourselves while living with someone who is sick. And that’s the mistake that we’re going to talk about today. So often we get completely wrap

It’s normal to feel angry when your partner lies to you about how much he or she had to drink or if they've taken drugs. It’s normal to feel angry after your loved one promised you they'll stop and then you find out they've started his or her bad habits again. It’s normal to feel angry even after your partner is sober at all the pain and distrust you’re still trying to work though. It’s okay to feel anger. Instead of beating yourself up about it or - even worse - letting your anger eat away at you, here are three helpful tips on how to deal with your anger. 1. Don’t yell or try to have a discussion when you're angry. Put yourself in time out. I know one mom who used to hide herself under a blanket. She had little kids, so she couldn’t leave the room, but she would just go into her own little world under a blanket and take deep breaths. She would read her Bible or listen to music or pray. Whatever it takes, do it. I used to walk away and lock myself in the bathroom. If I could, I would draw a warm bubble bath,