Wife Of An Alcoholic: Recovery | Loving An Alcoholic | Codependency| Michelle Lisa Anderson

When you love someone suffering from addiction is it ok to drink around them? Sometimes it’s easy to say “no, thank you” when we’re asked if we would like a glass of wine or pretty beverage since we have grown to hate the very substance that’s tearing our family apart. But other times, we wonder… am I enabling him if I drink around him?  If I’m telling him not to drink should I avoid people drinking too? These are great questions. Here's what I always recommend: try not to drink in front of your loved one. I did not drink in front of mine for 10 years.  It had no effect on his drinking (he still drank and used drugs) but it helped me know that I was not a stumbling block. If I had a drinking problem (and thank God I don’t), I think it would bother me to be around other people who drink. That's why a lot of non-drinkers stick together - it takes away the pressure.  If they were trying to quit smoking - would we light up a cigarette in front of them?  I would hope not. You're not going to be able to avoid socia

I love to remind you how strong and courageous you are.  I choose these adjectives for two reasons: one--I know they are true about you and two--this disease tries (and sometimes succeeds) at making us feel weak and helpless. But if you’re the type of woman like me who always feels like she has to be strong, who takes problems head on and is constantly looking for solutions, sometimes, just sometimes, being strong and courageous is NOT the best answer right away. For most of my life I have been considered the strong one in the family.  When I am hurt I don’t usually cry or hide. I usually confront the situation or person.  When I see injustice I speak up (especially for my kids) and I don’t have a problem taking on other people's issues and helping in any way I can. And most of the time this works for me. But every now and then I see a really soft, tender-hearted person who dares to be vulnerable and I get jealous (that was embarrassing to admit). I am thinking of a certain woman whom I went to dinner with.  

The other night I was folding laundry - that’s a daily chore with a large family… thankfully, I have a very nice laundry room where I can watch the kids in the pool or playing in the backyard while I fold and stack. I was in the middle of moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer and I was thinking of you (because I spend a lot of my time thinking of you) and I had a thought that made me stop and think I needed to tell you this right away.  We always say this disease happens to good men right?  And it’s true.  We love good people who are suffering with a disease.  At their roots they are good.  They are gifted and full of potential.  That’s why we fell in love with them in the first place, because we see their true beautiful selves. But here’s another important thing to remember that I think we miss. We are really gifted women too.  This disease is attracted to us because of all our wonderful qualities. We’re not crazy - even though addiction tries to make us feel that way.  It’s actually quite the oppo

The Love Over Addiction Secret Facebook Group is filled with women who are some of the most loving and encouraging women I’ve ever meet. We are a sisterhood who is bonded together by the fact that we love someone suffering with addiction. This disease can do a really good job of keeping us isolated and alone.  But there is something so healing and powerful when you’re surrounded by a group of women ready and willing to lift you up when you need it the most. One of those women asked a great question that I wanted to share with you because I think so many of you can relate.   Q: How do I protect myself when he chooses to drink and drive? I'm afraid he will get into an accident and hurt/kill someone else and therefore everything I have worked for will be taken by his bad choice. How can I approach my husband and let him know that I would like to drive without him getting angry and defensive?   Can you relate to this?  Does the one you love drink and drive?  Are you worried about the legal consequences if they ge

This week we’re going to answer the question: why do I stay in an unhealthy relationship?  But... before we get started, I want to make something clear.  I will never tell you to stay or leave. There are many women in this community who choose to stay in their marriage and it works for them. And there are women who leave. My goal for this community is to get YOU healthier and happier so you can make the decision that is best for you.  The choice is yours and we will NEVER judge you.  Ever.  There are many reasons we decide to stay in a unhealthy relationship (we love them, we see their potential, we find self worth in helping others, fear of what others will think, fear of breaking up a family, etc). Today we’re going to be covering a reason I’ve never discussed before. Here’s a question I received from a wonderful and strong woman in our Secret Facebook Group that we will use as a great example (I think a lot of you will be able to relate): Q: I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for over two year

As most of you know, I have a blended family. I have given birth to 4 children. And I’m about to share with you a story that at first glance might not seem like it has a lot to do with drinking or addiction, but hang with me and I promise I will get there. Over the last 3 years I have done almost everything to get my stomach flat. I have thinner legs and arms but I have been “blessed” to carry ALL of my weight in my belly. It used to be so bad that on a regular basis I would be asked when my baby was due. And because I’m such a codependent (and I know you get it) I would lie and make up a date because I didn’t want the person who was asking to feel bad. I know - ridiculous. So I started working out - something I have avoided my entire youth and adult life. Over the last 3 years I have done almost every exercise known to man. I have also read and tried way too many diets. At first I lost 20 lbs. And then I gained them all back. Then I lost them again and now (for the last year) I’ve been at a plateau. I don’t

A few weeks ago we discussed intimacy while loving an alcoholic or substance abuser and I covered what to do if you would rather not be intimate with the one you love. This week I’m going to go into a little more detail because of all the questions I’m receiving. You’re going to learn if alcohol or drugs can kill their sex drive - and lead to ED (erectile dysfunction - blush), what to do if they’re blaming you for the lack of intimacy in your relationship and how to stop accepting responsibility when he isn’t interested or can’t perform. So take a deep breath, make sure there are no kiddos around and let’s talk about this very REAL problem (because we do real here - without any judgment of course). First off, let’s start with the fact that excessive drinking CAN cause a sexual dysfunction* called testicular atrophy by lowering testosterone production.  And the less testosterone, the less interested in sex you become. So if he’s acting like your roommate while all your girlfriends are complaining their husband

Sometimes the disease of addiction can bring out the worst in us. We can feel angry they keep lying to us. Or depressed because they keep choosing drugs and alcohol over their marriage and family. But if you take away all the dysfunction that addiction adds to the family, if you remove those layers, you will discover a gentle and loving woman with an open heart and the thoughtfulness to give. You will find grace. Grace is one of my favorite words. Grace is not angry or powerful in a loud way. It’s soft and tender and done with an open heart. It’s an extension of forgiveness. It’s being able to look someone in the eyes and feel them in your heart.  Grace is hugging the ones you love tightly during their meltdown. My sweet 10 year old son was having a meltdown at bedtime the other night. He was yelling about his younger brother throwing his pillow on the floor and as I stood in the doorway of his bedroom listening to this silly temper tantrum, my mommy instincts told me this really isn’t what he’s upset about.

Last week, I answered a question from one of our loving, strong women in our Secret Facebook Group. I love this group. I’ll admit... being the introvert I am, I’m not usually one to join groups. So when I started adding free access to the group when you join one of our programs, I really wondered - are women actually going to find this helpful? And, boy, do they ever. It’s a safe place (with no judgment) to share what’s really going on in your relationship and to be encouraged, embraced, and given advice (if requested).   Because that’s one of the things that makes The Love Over community different: we offer specific advice and tools to help you - whether your partner decides to get sober or not. We don’t buy into the theory that we’re powerless over this disease. We don’t just need to sit back and let addiction take over our lives. There are real, tangible things we can do that will help us take back our control and maybe help them get better. So this week, I’m going to answer another great question from one

This week we’re going to be talking about a subject that makes some people (most people) feel uncomfortable. Intimacy (or in other words: sex). Intimacy can be difficult when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction. If you’re married to a man who drinks or uses drugs in the evening - often times you might be looking to have a moment and they are passed out or out with “friends”. Or perhaps they want to sleep with you but the idea makes you ill. How could you be vulnerable with someone who makes you feel so unimportant when they drink or use? Because I always believe in being vulnerable with you (and this is a place of no judgement - ever) - I’ll share first. At the beginning of our marriage, I would use sex as something that would bring us together. I knew I would get his undivided attention and that I could make him feel good - so I willingly participated. Towards the end of our marriage, I used to feel empty during sex. I had learned not to trust him outside our bedroom so why would I

There is a new movement going on about addiction - men and women who are in recovery are speaking out about their addiction. They are trying to break the stigma that addiction is a shameful disease and something we need to keep a secret. And I am so amazingly proud of all the ones who are brave enough to publicly declare their victory (or journey to victory) over addiction. There are so many benefits to claiming your struggles and sharing with the world how you got better and found help. But I am still worried. Because the ones that love them are still suffering in the backgrounds. We are in the shadows quietly waiting for our loved ones to recover. We're hoping with every ounce of our being that one day all this pain, rejection, and suffering will bring us closer together with the ones we love. We want a happy ending just as much (and sometimes more than) the ones who are addicted. So where is our moment of public victory? Is it really our victory to claim? They are the ones who are not choosing to drink or

What do we do when the one we love keeps choosing drugs and alcohol over us? Most of us feel angry and rejected. Some of us choose to react to our anger by shoving it down inside. Others lash out. Neither option is good. So what do we do with all the anger that seems like it comes along with this disease? How do we get back to a place of joy? Here’s the first truth I need to you hear. It was written in a book called Quiet (and if you’re an introvert like me - this is a must read). The author, Susan Cain wrote: Most of us believe that venting anger lets off steam. That aggression builds up inside of us until it's healthily released. This dates back to the Greeks, revised by Freud and then punching bags and primal screams came along in the 1960's. But it's a myth. Scores of STUDIES have shown that venting doesn't soothe anger; if FUELS it. We're best off when we don't allow ourselves to go to our angry place. So what do we do with anger? I have a few suggestions (you didn't think I was going to just leave yo

In this community, we give you a lot of tools to help you feel happiness and joy whether your partner gets sober or not. We don’t believe the common theory that says we’re powerless over this disease. There are many things we can do that will take our power of choice and confidence back from the awful disease that steals it. We don’t just throw our hands up in the air and say, "Oh, well. I just have to sit around and wait for my partner to get sober to start to feel better." That’s not true for us. We are strong, courageous women who will stand up to this disease. We will not let it rob us of the good life we are meant to have. We will not just sit back and be subservient.   Does this newfound courage come off as anger? No. Let’s not mistake courage for anger. Our strength is dignified. We will stand our ground and stand up to this disease and we will do so with more respect than anger. Our words will be intentional and strong. We will say what we mean and follow through. Even when we are afraid and doubt sta

My family and I are thinking of moving to Nashville. This really isn’t something we all want to do, but it’s a move that we are feeling called to do. There are a millions reasons why moving to this beautiful town makes sense. We could go from five schools to two. We would have way more options for a thriving church. Even the cost of living would go down. There are so many benefits. But here’s the truth: we don’t want to move. And the more I feel that God is calling us to pick up our lives and leave, the more I am trying to figure out the "why" behind it. Why am I resisting change even when I know it’s good for me? There are three reasons that come to mind when I stop and slow down to take personal inventory: I am scared of the unknown. I don’t have the neighborhood picked out, so it’s difficult for me to imagine our new home. And what about our friendships? The introvert in me cringes at the idea of having to open up to new people.  I am comfortable where I’m at. I remodeled my home and it’s full of memories

When I was married to a good man suffering from this disease, I went to the bookstore on a regular basis looking for books about how to help my husband get sober. What I found was tons of stories and memoirs about brave men and women who have struggled with addiction and found a way to get sober. But there were no stories about the women who loved them. So late one night when I was in the bookstore, I made a promise to God that if I ever found the answers, I would spend the rest of my life teaching other women.   And that’s exactly what I have been doing for over six years.   My three online, do-at-your-own-pace programs are designed just for wives, girlfriends, and mothers who love someone who suffers from alcoholism or substance abuse. Today we are going to talk about something a little bit different: rehabilitation. I get asked questions like, "Does rehab really work?" and "What makes a good rehab?" all the time. But before I tell you the top ten things you need to know about rehab, I want to share my exp

I am asked all the time, "Why do I keep going back to someone who hurts me so much?" There are many reasons we stay, but instead of guessing, I’m going to be vulnerable and share with you why I kept falling in love with a man who clearly didn’t love me or himself enough to get sober. Here are the top four reasons I kept going back to a broken relationship: I loved his potential. I was married to a great guy. He was funny, charming, smart, and good-looking. He had it all. And my big and sensitive heart could see all his goodness. And because I was in love with him, I chose to keep focusing only on his potential. I thought that if he could just be that loving guy all the time, our lives would be amazing. And the truth is... if he got sober, they may have been, but maybe not. I have a friend whose husband was sober for over ten years, but he was still very narcissistic and all his decisions were made from a very self-centered place. Getting sober does not guarantee an amazing life. The truth is, you don’t really

Almost every week, a woman who loves a good person suffering from the disease of addiction asks me if they should tell their family how out of control things have become. Have you ever wondered if you should tell your family about their latest binge? Or about the time they never came home? Or what’s really going on with your marriage? Your loved one might seem put together on the outside. Most men and women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse hold down good jobs and earn a good living. Most of the time, they can help take care of the kids and household duties. And because they are so high-functioning, it can leave you feeling nervous about sharing with family just how bad things have become. Will they believe you? Will they blame you? What if they are in denial and passively listen to you, but don't really hear you? How do you handle immediate family if they deny, enable, or blame you? Well, before I get to the answer, I think it’s really important that we discuss why we cover up this disease fo

If you have been listening to my podcast or reading my blog, then you know that I love to research. One of my happy places is sitting behind my computer in my office with a warm cup of tea and spending the day Googling and getting deep into a subject. Recently, I went to an event in Naples, Florida and during dinner, I sat next to a researcher. Usually, I’m not a fan of those kinds of events. But, I was so excited to find another introvert who could discuss research strategies. When I was married to a good man who drank too much and was addicted to drugs and many other things, I began to research. First, I started looking into top rehabilitation centers. That research led me to this post about the top ten things you need to know about rehab. After I researched ways to help the man I love get sober, I started researching ways I could find help for me. Where were the resources for the family members? I did find some, but they all seemed so depressing. They usually had a cliched picture of a person standing on t

Do you find it difficult to know what to do when the one you love starts drinking in front of your children? Are you a parent of a child who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse? I often say to my loving Secret Facebook Community - which is filled with some of the most amazing and courageous women on this planet - you have choices. You don’t need to stick around when they're making bad choices. You can ask them to leave the house. If they refuse or they’re too drunk, you can pick up your keys, grab the kids, and head right out the door. Over the years, I have had some women say to me, “Michelle, it’s not that easy. What if they decide to follow me? What if the kids are busy and don’t want to leave the house?” And here’s the loving but hard truth I need you to hear: I had three young kids when I was married to my alcoholic and addicted husband. And I get that it’s not easy. But sometimes this disease requires us to do things that are not easy. There were moments I had to wake up my baby from a nap a

Addiction is expensive. Beer, liquor, drugs, pills, porn - it all adds up. I was an oblivious wife and never really paid much attention to our bank statements. Math wasn’t my best subject and I thought it was romantic that my husband took care of the bills and provided for us. But I was wrong. There was nothing romantic about wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on the very things that are destroying our family. It wasn’t until he was in rehab that I finally sat down and looked over our checking account and realized how out of control this disease was. Here’s my helpful tip about managing your finances: You should consider getting separate bank accounts if both you and your husband are earning an income. Put everything you earn into your account and DO NOT give him access. This disease will continue to rip you off and take from you no matter how upset you get at him. I even recommend this to my friends who aren't married to an alcoholic or substance abuser. They say it's the best thing they have ever don