Wife Of An Alcoholic: Recovery | Loving An Alcoholic | Codependency| Michelle Lisa Anderson

Talking with your kids about addiction is extremely important. Your children are a lot wiser and perceptive than you think. They might not know drinking, drugs, pornography, or infidelity are going on under your roof, but they know when things don’t feel right. But you might be wondering... How do we communicate without worrying them? How do we tell them the truth without upsetting our partners? What should we share and what should we leave out? Inside the Love Over Mistakes program, you’ll learn how to communicate with your children. We cover what to say and how to avoid feeling guilty or worried about their future if you decide to leave or to stay. The advice you’ll hear in the Love Over Mistakes program goes for children of all ages, so even if your kids are older or even out of the house, you’ll still learn some helpful tools that will bring you great peace. Loving someone who is suffering from this disease causes trauma on all of us. It’s a family disease. But let’s not lose hope. There are many blessing

Do you ever feel angry because the one you love has an issue with drugs, drinking, pornography, gambling, or sex? I bet if you were being honest with yourself you would say, “Yes, I do feel angry sometimes.” Now, let me ask you another question: Do you feel guilty about feeling angry? When you deal with anger, do you turn into an out-of-control crazy lady saying things that you regret later? Or do you continue with the act of being “nice” and just shove, shove, shove it down further and further inside until you can almost pretend you’ve forgotten about it? Anger for women is a tricky subject. I was listening to a podcast the other day and a famous author said she wrote one paragraph in her book about anger and received more criticism and attention about that paragraph than any other part of the book (and this was a New York Times best-seller). The other author on the call (who is also mega-famous) said when she had the courage to talk about her anger, she lost a lot of readers who refused to buy her books. A

When I was married to a good man who struggled with addiction, one of my biggest battles was comparing my marriage to my friends’, family’s, and even strangers’ relationships. There was one evening when I was on a date night with my husband. waiting to be seated at a Italian restaurant. I was nervous that he was going to order a drink because, as you know, one drink leads to two that leads to three and then there’s no stopping and the night is ruined. I watched another couple walk by who were laughing and holding hands.  They looked happy and ready to have a good time with each other. I remember thinking, “I bet she doesn’t have to worry if he’s going to get drunk. He looks so responsible. He probably tells the truth and comes home when he says he will. I bet they take lots of vacations together and have a cute house. She probably does crafts with the kids and makes Halloween costumes by hand. I bet she even works out everyday with him. They probably go to the gym together. And he looks like the kind of guy w

The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to let go and surrender, but I never really understood how. The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome. So what’s the opposite of surrendering? Controlling. Let me ask you a question, and I promise it’s just you and me so you can keep it real and honest. We don’t do judgment in this safe community of ours. Would you consider yourself a controlling person? Do you put forth a lot of effort to get an outcome that you think is beneficial to your situation? When you are told no, are you the type of person who is determined to make it a yes? Do you run a situation over and over in your mind, trying to figure out how you can get someone to do whatever it is you think is best? Let’s make it even more specific. If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction do you: Track your loved one’s location most of the

New Year's Eve is a night of the year that painfully reminds us of the unique relationship of loving someone who drinks too much or has substance abuse issues. Here are four tips that will help make this holiday a little easier: Be kind and compassionate with yourself. Don’t worry if other people are judging you because of your partner’s disease. You are a beautifully created, loving woman. Your self-worth needs to come from God, not your friends or family members. Don’t compare your normal with other people’s normal. They may not be in love with someone suffering from this disease, but I promise you that their partner is not perfect either. Walk away. It might be a good idea if you need to leave the room or leave the party – with or without them. Or, choose to skip the party have a cozy evening in with a great book or your favorite movie and some popcorn. Bottom line: create some distance between you and this disease if you need to. Do not own their embarrassing behavior. Do not apologize for your partner’s

Holidays… when you’re married to a man who drinks too much or suffers from addiction they can be difficult, can’t they? You’re hoping for the best. You’re praying they will stay sober so you can have a beautiful, warm, and loving holiday.   Maybe you’re planning on visiting with family and they don’t have any idea how bad things have got at home. Or perhaps you have children and you just want their father to be the loving dad they deserve. I know exactly how you feel. When I was married to a wonderful guy who struggled with this disease, I had really high expectations for the holidays. I decorated the house, cooked delicious food, or sometimes, if I was busy, I would purchase some delicious food, and I would invite my family over to celebrate and have fun. But during all my planning, I was feeling nervous. In the back of my mind, I was worried that he wouldn’t stay sober and my big plans to have a lovely and happy holiday would be ruined. And, the truth is, my reality was far different than the dreamy holiday

Here’s a post that came from our Secret Facebook Group that is full of THE most loving and encouraging friends. There are over 800 women waiting to lift you up and cheer you on. I think you’ll find one of our sister’s personal story a tremendous encouragement. Recently, I had a falling out with both my mother (who abandoned me twice and is a narcissist and a dry drunk) and my sister in law (meddling, critical, and a highly suspicious dry drunk). Clearing my expectations, hopes, and wishes regarding others is a radical experience. It seems that by telling others how I feel with honesty and authenticity and practicing honoring my boundaries has the effect of allowing them to respond in the same incomprehensibly mean, judgemental, defensive way as ever before. My alcoholic husband is not the root of my trouble. But I can weather the storms of my life so much better with him as a partner, not an anchor, in the storm. Today, he is so much more a partner than an anchor. Yes, it's work to set a boundary, to announc

Because this post is so good, it only needs a short introduction from me in addition to saying it's written by one of the women in our Love Over Addiction Secret Facebook Group. I know you'll find hope in her story. Enjoy! If someone had told me a year ago that 2017 would be the year I found true happiness, I would've been hopeful, but not very trusting or optimistic. If someone had told me that in 2017 I would be given the opportunity to travel across the country and visit places I had only ever dreamed about, I would've thought they were crazy. If someone had told me a year ago that within the next year I would meet and marry a kind, generous, loving, successful, educated, adventurous, non-alcoholic man, I would've bet $1 million they were dead wrong. And I would've lost. One year ago, I felt hopeless. I felt like a failure. The man I loved so very much didn't love himself, and I couldn't change it. Lord knows I tried. I refused to accept reality because it differed so greatly from what I wanted it to be.

How do you trust your partner again? Can it ever be possible? Or will you always worry and constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Trusting again is entirely possible. You can, and you should, trust the one you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. If you can’t trust them, you’ll end up exhausted from the constant anxiety that they will disappoint you again.   So how do you get to a place where you can relax in peace and finally trust the one who has hurt you and lied to you about their drinking, drug use, cheating, or pornography? You watch, you don’t listen. You open your eyes and you close your ears. This disease knows how to say exactly what will help it get away with anything. It knows your buttons and just the right one to push to get you to deny your gut or make you believe that you’re crazy and there is nothing to be upset about. Don’t allow someone to make you feel guilty for not trusting right out rehab. I think that’s almost impossible. There hasn’t been enough time loving

Are you worried about your partner drunk driving? When you ask them for the keys, do they refuse? Do they try to convince you that they are fine? They might tell you they have spread out their drinking over the night, or that they only had beer and not liquor. Or perhaps they are abusing drugs and you can tell they are high and shouldn’t get behind the wheel. A few months ago, I wrote a blog post and a podcast episode of the Wife Of An Alcoholic Podcast about DUI’s that I think you might find helpful. But what should you do if you’re concerned about others on the road? Are you stuck always having to drive them home (that is, if they let you)?  And if they don’t give you the keys, what would happen if someone got hurt?   I’m going to tell you what to do, but I want to warn you first. You’re not going to love my answer. It’s going to be difficult for you. But your uncomfortable decision could save the life of the one you love and the innocent lives of others who are sharing the road with someone who legally sho

There is a very common issue in the world of addiction called dry drunk. It’s when someone is actively refraining from drinking, but still displaying signs of selfishness, stubbornness, lack of accountability, and blame. And it’s shocking because for so long you’ve thought if they just got sober everything would be better. If they just got sober, they would turn into the loving, kind person they used to be and your relationship would be everything you wanted and more. But when they stop drinking they get cranky. And mean. You end up walking on eggshells even more because you never know what kind of mood they will be in. And the selfish, narcissistic behavior actually gets worse. How could that be? Alcohol and/or drugs were the root of our problems, so why isn't it better? If the one you love is resentful, angry, depressed, anxious, jealous, speaking fondly of his or her drinking days, self-obsessed, or now addicted to something else that’s unhealthy (like sex, video games, or food) they are probably considere

Rehab can be the best thing that has ever happened to someone trying to get sober. And for many brave men and women, it is the starting point for their sobriety. Others come home and are back to their old ways within days. But there seems to be a growing trend happening that I want to talk about.   Many women in the Love Over Addiction program are telling me that the ones they love are coming home and choosing to get drunk the very day they come home from rehab. Sometimes, they even stop at the airport bar after the flight they took when they checked out of rehab. I know this might be discouraging to read. I work really hard at trying to keep this from being one more place on the internet for venting, complaining, and defeat. Instead, I intend to create a safe and loving community full of women who can celebrate their victories and who are open to learning how to take back their control over this disease. We are not victims. We are smart, loving women who are good wives and mothers. We have many gifts to offe

I was talking to a wonderful and wise woman who has joined the Love Over Addiction program, and she was telling me a story about her husband who lied to her about his drinking. She walked in on him sitting in his office and sensed that he had been drinking again. She confronted him and he denied it. So she picked up the glass and said, “What is this?” He told her it was Coke and swore there wasn’t any alcohol in it. She took a sip and said it tasted funny. But he kept saying it was just soda. This loving and smart woman felt like she was going crazy because it didn’t taste like it was just soda. It didn’t look like just Coke. But he was looking her right in the eye swearing it was just soda. So she took the drink and walked it over to her neighbor's house and made him try it. He said, “Whatever that is, it’s not just soda.” It’s ridiculous how this disease can make us feel like we’re going crazy when we try to call our partner out on a lie and they deny, deny, deny. So what do you do the next time you're con

Last week I was speaking with a woman who booked a personal coaching call with me. She was feeling stuck, and she wanted to leave but couldn't bring herself to imagine ACTUALLY leaving. She was looking for a breakthrough that would convince her that leaving or staying was the “right thing to do.” I told her, don't worry about getting to the finish line today. Just figure out the next 3 steps. For her, that meant: identifying 3 lawyers she may want to use spending some time driving around neighborhoods to see where she would like to live making a list of things in her home she would like to take when she moves. Breaking down your big goals into smaller steps is the best way to avoid getting overwhelmed. Plus you get a quick sense of accomplishment. Remember: we don’t do judgment in this community.  We will never tell you to stay or leave.  You reserve the right to stay today and change your mind tomorrow. What are the next 3 steps in your recovery? It could be to focus on your physical recovery - and so you

Let's be real, loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can feel like the opposite of a blessing. But one of the things that make our community different is that we refuse to just talk about the dark sides of this disease. Many, many blessings come out of a complicated relationship. And today, I want to talk about one of them. I am divorced. And I was the one who chose to leave my husband after ten years of trying to “help” him get sober. We have three children together. And one of the greatest fears that kept me suffering in my marriage was the idea that leaving would break our family apart. I was so afraid that I would do serious damage to my children. A few years ago I was a Keynote Speaker for a Celebrate Recovery conference. I brought my oldest son, Lance who was 12 at the time to hear me speak. His response to my talk about his father made me weep. Below is an excerpt from an email to all attendees and the entire church written by the man who ran the conference. He refers to Dr

Do you feel exhausted from loving someone suffering from addiction? Are you worried about the one you love so much your heart hurts? Are you wondering how to help them get them sober or convince them they have a problem and need help? Do you wonder if they will ever change? When you love someone suffering from addiction, the list of worries goes on and on. All that worrying can take a toll on our bodies. Here’s what’s important to remember - allow yourself to crash. Give yourself the necessary space to take a deep breath and go back to bed if you need to. Sit on the couch and watch your favorite show. Sleep in. Take a vacation if you can. If you’re tired and you're at the gym, walk instead of run. Read a good book in a cozy chair and skip the grocery store. Order in and don’t make dinner. Vacuuming can wait until another day. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Put down the phone and don’t worry about being available to everyone all the time. Call in from work and take the day off. Take a mental health day. We

The other day, my husband and I were celebrating a special event. We came home, got our pajamas on, tucked the kids into bed, and prepared for a cozy evening in. I was standing in our bathroom washing my face and he walked in with a drink. And all of a sudden I felt a feeling I hadn’t experienced in years. My stomach got tight and I felt a little lump in my throat. As I mentioned, we had been out and had our limit of two drinks. I don’t have a drinking problem and neither does he, so we don’t intentionally choose that amount. We just know from experience that three drinks are one too many for us. So when he walked into the bathroom with drink number three, it took me off guard. I was unprepared. After a few moments, I realized - these were old feelings surfacing from my first husband who has a drinking and drug problem. My quick, subconscious reaction to his third drink was a trigger caused by the pain from my past. As I was staring at myself in the mirror blotting my face with a washcloth, I debated if I sho

A woman in our community told me she’s heard some mothers say it’s easier for wives who love someone suffering from addiction or alcoholism because they can leave their husbands, but a mother's role never ends. And I lovingly disagree. True, a married couple with no children can divorce and never speak again. So can a married couple who had a child together. And so can a mother who needs to step away from her addicted son. Everyone, no matter what the relation to the one suffering from this disease, chooses how to react. Nobody is helpless. No one gets to throw their hands in the air and just be a victim. There are real tools and practical actions we can take every day that will bring back control and order to our lives and help the ones we love. We are not powerless over this disease. You have been doing the best that you could do. You didn’t cause your child or loved one to drink or use drugs, and you are not responsible for their destiny. However, you can find success by helping yourself. Your job is to be

If you’re married to someone who leaves the house to hang out with his or her friends or who stops at the bar on the way home and you’re wondering why they don't want to spend time with you (and the kids, if you have any) I want to ask you a question about a bad habit you may have picked up. And before I ask you, it’s important to know that the reason I ask is because I used to have this very bad habit. So there’s no judgment - ever. Just promise me that you’ll be honest because we can’t heal if we’re not honest with ourselves and each other. We are a sisterhood. We get one another. We’re in a safe place and we are all connected. Here’s my question to you: are you nagging your partner when he or she drinks or uses drugs? If you’re nagging, you’re enabling. Your partner knows their choices are bad and they don't want to be called on it. My ex-husband used to leave for days at a time because I would not put up with his drinking around our three young kids. And he didn’t want to deal with me being a nagging wife

A while ago, I went skilling with my family in Whistler, Canada, and when I came back I just didn’t feel like myself. I would wake up in the morning feeling exhausted after an 8-hour sleep. I kept thinking it was jet lag, but weeks went by and I just never felt better. A few years ago I had gone in for some blood work and the doctor noticed some of my levels were high.  Turns out, I was diagnosed with autoimmune, low iron, and hypothyroidism, among some other things. The last several months have been a struggle. I lost my ambition to do most things. I went to my hairdresser and she noticed my hair was unhealthy and falling out. I gained weight around my mid-section (fun). I was just not feeling myself.   The weeks were filled with doctor's appointments, vitamins, medications, and more. The other night, I was sitting on the couch watching a movie - something I don’t usually do. Sitting in combination with movie watching and not multitasking? That’s when I knew there must be something wrong. My sweet husband w