Wife Of An Alcoholic: Recovery | Loving An Alcoholic | Codependency| Michelle Lisa Anderson

Are you scared of leaving the one you love? Have you thought about it, but the idea almost paralyzes you with fear, so you immediately stop thinking about it? There's just no possible way that you will ever leave. What if you're one of the members of our community who is in the middle of leaving, you're planning your separation or your divorce, or maybe you’ve already filed for divorce, and you're in the process of working out the details? When I chose to leave my husband who suffers from addiction and substance use disorder, I was absolutely terrified. I go a lot more into detail about that in the Love Over Addiction program. But I don’t think there is any one of us in our community who has left and said, “Oh, no, it was a piece of cake. I wasn't scared at all.” Leaving the ones we love draws out courage. All of us are filled with enough courage to make the huge changes that we need to make in our lives. It’s just a matter of whether or not we are ready to step out in faith and call upon that courage that is

Most of you know that I was married to a wonderful man. He was super talented, really good looking, and funny to the core. He was much smarter than I was. And he had so many gifts. I really struggled because I was madly in love with him and tried everything I could to help get him sober. Of course, none of it worked which is the sad truth about loving somebody with addiction. But during our marriage, I found myself very depressed. Before our wedding day, I was a very bubbly, very confident person. But addiction steals your joy, and it beats you down. It takes all your vulnerabilities, all your shame, everything that you feel insecure about, and it shines a spotlight on them. It harps on them, and it uses them against you because addiction is just awful like that. The whole thing about being married to somebody who constantly places drugs, pornography, gambling, or alcohol above you is that it can make you feel very depressed and unworthy. The unpredictability of loving somebody when you don’t know if they're

I’ve been thinking about how important humor is when we’re in the midst of living life while loving someone who struggles with addiction. So I was thinking about some of the funniest women I know. One of those women is an author named Jen Hatmaker. She has her own podcast, too. I am in love with this woman. She came out with a book that really changed my perspective on the importance of friendship. It is called For the Love. I was thinking about her because I recently went hear her speak. I saw an ad for her event pop up on Facebook. It was only 30 or 40 minutes away from me, so I thought, “I’m going to grab my girlfriends and go.” So we all go to this conference, and we’re so excited to see Jen. She did not disappoint. You know it's a good speaker when you walk away and you can recite at least three things they said. How many times have you gone to these things and you don’t remember anything they said? You remember what they were wearing or what you were wearing or what you ate during the break. But you don

Greg Horvath resides in Los Angeles, CA, and is a nationally respected motivational speaker, author and producer. For 15 years he's traveled the globe sharing his story of perseverance and overcoming adversity. He views the world through the lens that anyone can build a life they are proud to lead. Because of Greg's incredible story of overcoming adversity to play college football at age 38, (click here for more info) and his passion to share it, he has become a much sought after motivational speaker.  His love of film, which he discovered while studying Communication Arts at Saddleback College, has made him an award winning filmmaker. The Business of Recovery is the third feature film Greg has produced. Unfinished Business was considered for a Canadian Gemini Award and Hope for the Broken Contender won the American Express People’s Choice Award at the Calgary International Film Festival. Greg is very passionate about The Business of Recovery, a story he felt compelled to tell. Michelle sat down for a controv

A while ago, I started practicing yoga. I found it incredibly therapeutic and very nurturing. It didn't help me with weight loss, but it did help me take a much-needed timeout from the craziness of the day to center myself. And I loved the way my body felt strong and flexible. I was coming out of my yoga class one day, and I saw a T-shirt that said “namasté and rosé.” I looked at it, and I thought, “Hmm, interesting.” I’m practicing yoga because I want to cleanse my body. I do hot yoga because I want to release all the toxins from my pores. But I know that alcohol can be toxic, so I wouldn't have put those two together. I also started seeing all of these pictures of cute and funny jokes about moms and alcohol. “Save water, drink wine.” “A banana is 105 calories. A shot of whiskey is 80. You do the math.” “If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton. That way my friends will know I’m missing.” These are funny, right? But as I started seeing more and more women using alcoho

The Harvey Weinstein case came about several months ago, and one of the women in our community and I were talking about it. She said, “You know, Michelle, I feel like this is an opportunity for us to address such a common problem.” I have a done a lot of research to prepare for this post because I take this topic very seriously. Did you know that abuse thrives in isolation and that 50% of men in recovery admit that they have been physically abusive to their partner or spouse? And my guess is that close to 100% of men in recovery have been verbally abusive. Let’s get started by determining what abuse looks like. And you might have started off reading this thinking, “Well, Michelle, I’m not really in an abusive relationship.” And hopefully that's true, but will you promise me to read this and let me teach you what abuse looks and sounds like? If it doesn’t apply to you, then great, you’ll have confirmation and peace of mind. You’ll also have the tools to help another sister in our community who is going through

Isn’t it frustrating when you love somebody who seems so out of control and you don’t know how to help? Your heart hurts for them. They are hurting your heart, and you just need help. I remember being that woman and loving a very good man who was so full of potential. He was very good looking, super popular, and could do calculus in ninth grade as well as write poetry. He was the full package. And he was funny. We met in high school, reconnected later on, fell in love, and had three wonderful children together. I never experienced addiction, so I did not know what it looked like. It took me about two years to figure it out (which is a long time, I know), but love makes you blind, doesn’t it? I remember going through this feeling incredibly alone. And I kept it a secret because I wanted to protect him. I struggled for years by myself. I thought, “If I ever figure out the answers, if I can ever be of service to anyone, I will dedicate the rest of my life teaching other women what worked for me.” So that's what

Addiction thrives on the fact that it can mess with our minds. We get confused and feel guilty when our expectations are not met by our partner, particularly when we love a good man or a good woman who’s suffering from this disease. We start to think, “Is what I’m asking for too much? Are my expectations too high? Is what I’m craving something normal, or should I not be asking so much from my partner?” The four basic needs of a relationship involve love, attention, affection, and help from your partner. But are you expecting those four basic needs from somebody who can consistently meet them in a healthy way? You should not feel guilty for expecting those needs to be met from the person you want to share the rest of your life with or your son or daughter. Are you expecting them to love you like you deserve to be loved though? Are you expecting them to show up consistently—to be truthful at all times and every occasion? Because love is trust. Do you expect them to be kind? Because love is not rude. Love protec

Deciding whether to stay or leave is an extremely common topic in our community. You can’t blame us, right? We long for the day addiction will let go of the one we love so dearly, but we’re not sure how much more we can take. Today I want to tell you about a tool that is available to you, but it’s not brought up often. This tool is a wonderful way to help you determine what you want for your future, and it’s called separation. I’m not going to tell you that you should leave, and I’m not going to tell you to stay. I’m just going to teach you about the benefits of separation and ask, if you are struggling with staying or leaving, to consider this an option. Before we get to the benefits of separation, I want to explain the reasons we choose to stay with them and why we choose to live in this place of tension where one day we think we’re in this for the long haul, and the next day we are ready to walk out the door. A lot of people look at women like us and go, “I don’t understand why you're not choosing to leave

Detaching is a big buzzword in the recovery community. I hear a lot from the women in our secret Facebook group that detaching with love is almost impossible because it requires you to remove your emotions from the situation and from the outcome. So, let’s say your loved one starts making bad choices by having a few drinks. Your instant reaction is to get upset and to feel like you’ve been punched in the gut again because they lied. They said they were going to get better. They said they weren't drinking. Your detachment would mean you go through that immediate process, and then you auto correct yourself, and you say, “I’m not going to go in there and nag. I’m not going to point out that they know that I know. I am not going to yell or scream or have a temper tantrum. I’m not going to sulk. I’m just going to let that dysfunction happen, and I’m going to move on.” That’s ultimately what detachment is: it’s taking away your power from somebody else’s actions. It’s saying, “I’m going to choose to be responsible

I’m a big fan of Brené Brown. In one of her books, she talks about being vulnerable, and she has a rule that I’m about to break. The rule is that you don’t speak of the things you are vulnerable about in public until you’ve actually worked through them and given them space to heal. I think that’s wonderful advice. I’m a big believer in that. But I’m going to break that rule because I feel such a sense of urgency to share with you what’s going on with me. I think it’s what’s going on with you too. Together, we can become stronger and help each other out. I always try to be the type of friend who is real and who never portrays that I have it all together. With all that being said, I want to tell you what’s going on with me. I’m not going to get too specific because I believe in protecting the privacy of everybody. I believe in sharing, but I also believe in being dignified and respectful about it. There is somebody in my life right now who is bullying me and sending horrible, unkind messages that are difficult

We offer a secret Facebook group for women who have joined one of our programs. It's filled with over 1,000 women from over 132 different countries around the world. The Facebook group is a wonderful tool, and I love popping in there and seeing what you are all talking about and how you are all encouraging each other. But there is something that is disturbing me. And I’m going to be real and honest with you today. I used to do this, too, so there’s no judgment. We are using the word “crazy” so much in the group. And my beef with that is that you guys keep calling yourselves crazy. You keep saying, “I am going crazy. I am driving myself crazy. This is crazy.” Here’s the deal: Addiction tries to make us believe that we’re crazy— that it’s us. It’s our fault. It tries to mess with our head. But that is not true; you are not crazy. There’s nothing about you that’s crazy. You’re the least crazy person in this situation. You’re the rational one. You are the convicted one. You’re the one in the relationship that act

If you love someone suffering from addiction, you might feel like you're on a roller coaster ride. One minute you feel angry, the next guilty, and then maybe you're worried. It's a constant cycle that's never-ending. And all the chitter chatter in your head never shuts up. Even when you’re standing at the stove stirring the pasta you're making for dinner, in the back of your mind you’re really twirling about how to save the one you love. Being present in the moment feels close to impossible because of the trauma to your soul. How can you shut off the painful idea that the one you love is being taken down by this disease? I often felt like I was on a boat that was sailing in the middle of the biggest storm of my life. How do you find joy in a moment when your family’s boat has sailed through so many storms that it's battered and broken? And it's slowly sinking. I felt like I was the only one who was endlessly bailing out water so our family wouldn't sink. It was exhausting work. And every time I thought our b

Our community in the Secret Facebook Group are some of the most loving and thoughtful women I know. Every time I read their posts I am blown away by their wisdom. Every now and then I like to share a question one of the women asked the group because I think a lot of us can relate. If you would like to become a member of our private and confidential community, it comes free when you join one of our programs. You can check the programs out here. Today, we’re going to be discussing pornography addiction. And before I get to the question, I want to make it clear that this is an embarrassing topic to discuss, but I can’t tell you how common pornography is in the world of addiction. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry that is quietly taking over the lives of millions of people. If the one you love is watching pornography on a regular basis, you’re not alone. Many of us can relate. Pornography is never okay when two people are in a committed relationship and addiction is involved. I teach healthy boundaries around

The moment I knew I needed to leave. I had been waiting for this moment for years and years. Even through all the verbal abuse, the name calling, the shaming, the lying and the manipulation, I still clung to hope. I still loved him and I loved the idea of our family staying together. But somewhere deep in the back of my mind, I knew there might come a day when I needed to leave. But my heart wasn't ready. My mind still had not arrived at the decision that I felt my spirit pushing me towards. I knew raising my kids in this dysfunction wasn't ok on any level. I knew he wasn't going to get better. And I knew the harder I was trying to help him the worse it was getting. I could see this wonderful man disappear literally day by day. Every month his addiction was worse than the month before. It was a downward spiral. But I hadn't yet arrived at the point where leaving was the only option. My back was not up against the wall. I still wanted to wait and exercise all my choices. And then the moment came. And it was cr

I used to paint for fun.  I used to be silly and laugh a lot. I was confident in a room full of other people and I was adventurous and had a great group of friends. That’s who I was before I fell in love with a wonderful man suffering from addiction.   And slowly, over time, the confident, joyful woman he was attracted to became insecure.  I lost my friends because going out meant that I couldn't monitor his drinking or drug use. The laughter was still there, but it was less frequent and layered under sadness. I became a shell of the woman I was before I met him. But… it didn’t stay that way forever.   I decided that I was worth fighting for. That addiction might be taking down the one I loved, but I wasn’t going to let it take me down, too. How do we get back in touch with the woman we once were?   How do we rekindle the spark within ourselves that makes us feel like we’re a light to our friends and family? How do we get back to a place of fun and joy? Here’s the good news: it’s not difficult or complicated.

He had to work late and wouldn't be home for dinner. So, my three children and I sat around the table and ate lasagna and salad without him. When my blonde haired, blue eyed six year old son asked where daddy was, I told him that he was still working. The words coming out of my mouth sounded truthful, but my gut knew they were lies. I had been lied to so many times by the man I was madly in love with that I almost came to expect it. The truth was I didn’t know where my loved one was while we sat waiting for him at home. And if I was being honest with myself - I didn’t really want to know. The truth hurt too much. So I settled for the lie and we both pretended he was “working.” When trust is broken between two people, we begin to feel insecure about their love for us.  We start questioning their commitment to the relationship. We worry about how many other times they have lied in the past, and figuring out when to trust and when to protect ourselves becomes a full-time job. Some of us can take on the full-time

There is so much debate these days about leaving or staying with someone who’s addicted.  Everybody has an opinion. Your mom, your therapist, the guy who wrote that book, your pastor. But do you know who I think has the most judgmental opinion about the choice to leave or stay with the one you love who is struggling with addiction? You.   You shame yourself for wanting to leave.   How could you break up the family?   How could you even dream of wanting something different?   You said forever and you tell yourself that breaking your promise would make you a quitter.   You may doubt that anyone else would ever love you.   The idea of ever being with another partner makes you sick.   Or finding love again with someone else makes you excited and then you really feel ashamed.   You don’t know how much longer you can take this.   What if they never get better? Or what if things get worse? You see all your friends and family and you think how nice it would be to be loved by a stable and thoughtful person. I remember

So you love someone who is suffering from addiction? Welcome to our club. We are a group of strong and tenderhearted women from all over the world who are united by our love for someone who keeps hurting us. We are in just as much pain as the one who stays up late to look at porn, or snorts the line, who drinks too much, swallows the pills or gambles our money away. We love good people who make bad choices. It’s as simple and complex as that. And we find strength and comfort when one sister shares that she is struggling with something so “embarrassing” not even her friends know - we raise our hands and say, me too! I feel your pain because that just happened at my house last week. And it sucks and it’s hard and we will get through this together. You’ll find all that goodness and grace inside our programs where you will meet with thousands of women just like you. You’ll get all the strength and love you need to finally stop acting like you have it all together, but then fall apart. You will also be able to lea

Let’s be real with each other. It’s hard to keep up with all the different ways your loved one treats you, isn’t it? You might have a tender moment in the car and reach for their hand and you’re reminded of why you feel in love with them in the first place. They might be funny and cracking you up when you both are standing at the kitchen counter talking about your day. Or you might share a thoughtful and romantic moment that gives you the deep sense of connection that has been missing for awhile. These are the moments of light in times of darkness. These are the glimmers of hope when we feel defeated. Moments like the examples above are when their behavior comes from a place of truth. This is who God made them - a good loving person - and this is how your relationship was intended to feel like. But then, as we are holding our heads up to the light and beginning to trust again… that hope fades and we are left in darkness. Our broken hearts have to learn one more time how to handle heartbreak. Because the one