Save Your Sanity: Help For Toxic Relationships

Oh, that's crazy-making, right?You try to talk about your feelings and you get shut down?In today's episode, I give you insights into this whole nasty process of being blamed for being overly sensitive when you're actually speaking up for yourself when attacked.You know what I'm talking about. IT HURTS!Are you told that you're being overly sensitive too often? Hijackals® can be brutal. Nothing can be their fault, so everything has to be yours. When they want to put you down, and keep you down, they tell you how hopeless, useless, and worthless you are in SO many nasty, overt AND underhanded ways, right?And, when you speak up for yourself, they tell you that you are overly sensitive, that you have a thin skin.Or, the worst, that they were just kidding! You know so well they were not, but you also know that they take absolutely no responsibility for anything they do or say, so everything has to be your fault.Speak up for yourself, and a #Hijackal will say anything to squish you like a gnat! Today, I'm giving yo

Has your partner every just stopped talking to you when things weren't going his or her way? Or, when you weren't doing exactly as s/he wanted?And, then, the next things: THE DREADED SILENT TREATMENT! The silent treatment is punishing, punitive, and often the way a person who wants power over you thinks they can control you. Sometimes, though, that other person--or, maybe, you--don't have the skills or confidence to manage conflict in any other way.Why do people use the silent treatment?They want to demonstrate power over youThey think you'll give in if they hold out long enoughThey want to punish you by withholding love or intimacy of any kindThey lack skills to communicate about difficult things...and they won't risk trying.They are afraid they'll lose, so they don't start the conversation.Any of those sound familiar?It's not uncommon for people to get scared, and then, get very defensive. That often even escalates into anger. Things can get very touchy!People will react in out-of-proportion ways when they

Do you ever try to downplay your need for great self-care? If you're like many folks--too many folks--you likely do! You may have been raised to believe that you should be ok, power through, and need nothing.You may have been told that other people are more important than you are, and that you are a good person when you put other people first...all the time!NO! Not good. Always putting yourself at the end of your list is DEFINITELY NOT GOOD! . You may well become a tired, isolated, worn down, and resentful person, though! That's definitely not good.You see the pattern immediately, don't you? You feel tired, and then, because a parent or someone told you that you should put other people first, you push yourself well beyond your limits. You "think you should!" ARGH! No, you shouldn't. Sure, there are crises and you might have to push through, real emergencies. But, really, those are few and far between. Not much is a crisis or an emergency, but too many people live as though everything is. If you're with, or we

Any chance that you're getting your exercise by walking on eggshells?That's a tense, anxiety-ridden, stressful way to get your exercise. Exercise is supposed to make you feel better. Walking on eggshells certainly won't!Whether the #Hijackal you're with is of the narcissistic, sociopathic, passive-aggressive, histrionic, or borderline variety, keeping you on edge is their specialty. When you are on edge, they feel powerful, right? That means they are scooping up your power, and it's time to stop letting them.But, how? In today's episode, I give you four BIG ways that you must stop Hijackals from taking your power. Yes, they are four "big buckets," HUGE BUCKETS, and I realize that. They are not quick or easy, but I wanted to put them into your thoughts today. I'll elaborate on each of them in further episodes, I promise.Toxic people need control! It's what feeds them, and keeps them going. You know that's true, because when they don't get it, they explode! If they are overt, they go off like a roman candle. If

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control or dominate another person. Whether that is through fear, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, guilt, blaming, manipulation, or denial, it is abuse, emotional abuse.When you were little, your brain was still growing. You instinctively knew that you had to keep your parents--The Giants--happy so that they would feed and protect you. At least, that's what you hoped.Many children, though, are emotionally abused. As adults, they often don't really see it and its impact on their lives and relationships. Today, I want to highlight some very real forms of emotional abuse that might have just seemed normal to you. After all, that's the only childhood you had! You had nothing to compare it to. And, you may have so wanted your home to seem normal.Children are too often made to feel wrong, blamed, and not good enough. That's emotional abuse, but emotional abuse is SO much more.You need this information so that you can immediately pick up on emotional abuse from your par

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor3 ASSERTIVE THINGS TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER REFUSES TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY It's so infuriating, right? A difficult partner, or parent, refuses to take responsibility for anything that isn't praise-worthy. S/he will step right in if they can take credit for something good, though. But, when something goes sideways, it's all you, all your fault , right?You don't mean to, but you may well be enabling that difficult person, that #Hijackal. Enabling is something you can stop doing! That's the good news.You deserve better than a relationship that keeps you down, and supposedly responsibility for all sorts of things that you didn't do, think, or say!Today's episode will give you insights into:why Hijackals® have to make everything your faultwhat you can do within yourself to stop enabling poor behaviorwhat to say when a Hijackal makes things your fault, especially things that aren't at all.eight questions to ask yours

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorTRAUMA-BONDING: Why You Create Toxic Bonds and How To Release ItA conversation between me, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, and Dr. Gary Salyer, author of the upcoming book, Safe to Love Again. Are you so attached to someone that you are "hooked on hope" that one day they will treat you better? That's really common, and a bit difficult to step away from, I know. That "hooked on hope" can erode into trauma-bonding.What is trauma-bonding? "the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person."*1"a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence."*2Now that you see those, do you relate that to what has happened to you with a partner, parent, or ex?Trauma-bonding is a real thing! And you can do something about it. That's what Dr. Gary Salyer and I discuss today. You need to know this, for yo

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor10 REASONS YOU MAY HAVE FOR NOT WALKING AWAY FROM YOUR ABUSERCould any of these things be true? Your relationship is bad. And, you don't want to admit it.You keep hoping that things will get better.You make excuses for your partner's outbursts.You believe your abuser when s/he says you are nothing worth having, and no one else would want you.You hang onto the last time you heard "I love you" and fool yourself that it is true.Any of these sound familiar? You're not alone. And, these aren't even the ten reasons in today's episode!Who wants to believe they are being abused?Yet, you are being abused. And, yes, that is the only word that covers it.S/he is not going through a bad time, stressed, depressed, or repressed. S/he is like that most of the time, and wants you to think it's your fault, right?Well, it isn't your fault that s/he is unhappy, nor is it your fault that they are angry, upset, yelling, stomping, o

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorIT HAPPENED TO ME: Today's guest, Christa, shares her story of life with--and beyond--a #Hijackal husbandThis is a special feature of Save Your Sanity. I occasionally talk on Save Your Sanity with people willing to share their stories of life with, and after, a Hijackal. That might be their parent, partner, friend, or co-worker. You can find a Hijackal in every area of life...unfortunately!Today, Christa shares her story.(P.S.If you decide to share your story, you don't have to use your real name!)Christa was married to a Hijackal for almost twenty years, and had three children. Finally, it became too much and she spent two years fighting for custody.Oops! Her husband was an attorney. I've had several clients in different parts of the world who had #Hijackal attorneys for husbands. So difficult! And, so difficult to divorce, in most cases.Christa attributes her winning to being able to have the funds and other

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorANGRY WITH A HIJACKAL? WHY PAYBACK WON'T WORKHijackal behavior is outrageous, and it gets your blood boiling too often, right? They are like vampires, draining your blood.And, you just want to show 'em how it feels. And, you want them to see how much they hurt you.And, truth be told, you want them to hurt the way you are hurt. So, you think that payback will help. It doesn't, won't, and can't.News flash! They don't care about you, or your feelings. They want what they want, and that is power and control.So, when you are poised to write that poison pen letter to let them know that they cannot treat you that way, you need to think about today's episode and change your tactic. You can never be who they want you to be because that changes with the wind. You have to know who you are and be only that. Listen. Get this right down to your toes, even though it feels counter-intuitive when you're hurt and angry. I know

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorHIJACKAL® BLAMING? IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Hijackals take no responsibility for anything they do. They refuse to be accountable. Yet, in order to pull that off, what has to happen? Everything has to be your fault! And, it's not. The patterns that living with a Hijackal create are designed to wear you down, to tear you down, to make you second-guess yourself constantly. Now, though, because you're listening here to me, you know that likely not one of those things were your fault.Never believe who a Hijackal says you are.Why? Because a Hijackal HAS to make you out to be wrong in every instance, so they can be right. If you're taken my online course, Seeing the Cycles , you'll know that a Hijackal MUST win, in every situation and conversation. Otherwise, they feel insecure, and you know they are not going to let that happen.Hijackals usually are nice in public and hellish at home. That's why, when you tell someone c

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor7 RED FLAGS THAT PERSON YOU'RE DATING IS TOXIC. RUN! So many people in my Facebook groups write about their fear of dating after being with a Hijackal. They are right to be concerned, and hopefully, that concern will lead them to getting the best help they can so they feel safe with themselves. Then, they will further develop their Hijackal Radar. That's what I help them do when we work together through video conferencing.There are people who are momentarily difficult--like you or me on a bad day--and then, there are others who are relentless difficult. I call those ones #Hijackals ®. If you've been listening for awhile, or reading my articles, blogs, or books, you're already well aware of that term.My definition of a Hijackal®:"A person who hijacks a relationship--for their own purposes--and relentlessly scavenges it for power, status, and control." Familiar?Everyone has bad days. Everyone goes through rough

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorEVER FEEL LIKE A PRETZEL OR DOORMAT TRYING TO PLEASE A HIJACKAL®?Is there someone in your life who treats you poorly? Do you feel put-down, ignored, walked over, or taken advantage of?That's not good. You want to be seen, heard, known, accepted, acknowledged, and appreciated. You know how I talk about this in my book, Kaizen for Couples? Well, it is not just for couples. It's for every single person on the planet, and that means you, too! It will help you change your relationship with yourself, while gathering strong skills to communicate well, manage conflict effectively, and create rich emotional intimacy. If that's not the kind of relationship you're having with someone, then it's time to change that. It's time to get up on your back legs and say "NO!" and "NO MORE!" It's time to strengthen your boundaries.If you were raised by a #Hijackal, a relentlessly difficult person, you've likely been trampled on so

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorHOW WILL I FEEL WHEN I'M LEAVING A HIJACKAL?Whether that person has passive-aggressive, narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, or histrionic behaviors or tendencies, you need to know that you're going to have a totally mixed bag of opposing feelings on the day--and for a few weeks after--you leave. It's natural and normal.Leaving a toxic situation can be a double-edged sword: there is freedom and peace, and there is anxiety and loss. You'll experience both.Toxic people, Hijackals®, are looking for power and control over you. Because you are a good person, a loving, compassionate person, you were chosen by the Hijackal. Now, you're choosing health, peace, well-being, and self-esteem for yourself and your children. That's why you have made the decision to leave, and I know you've thought a lot about it.You likely thought for a long that, if only you would go the extra mile, be long-suffering, or justify, rational

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorIS IT POSSIBLE YOU'RE ENABLING A TOXIC PARTNER? TIME TO STOP! VERY IMPORTANT! NO BLAME HERE! Do not blame yourself, or take on any blame, if you listen today and realize you're been enabling your toxic partner to continue to behave badly. S/he was going to do it anyway. You didn't cause it. You are a good person, who simply didn't have an impact when you said no. So, now you've been worn down, and torn down, by their bad behavior. Toxic people, Hijackals®, are looking for power and control over you. Because you are a good person, a loving, compassionate person, you were chosen by the Hijackal.S/he thought there was a good chance that you would go the extra mile, be long-suffering, or justify, rationalize, or excuse their bad behavior. You likely did...because you are a good person, and you thought that, with enough love and patience, s/he would change. Hijackals don't change...for the better! Today, I'm talkin

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor3 BIG REASONS WHY HIJACKALS® NEVER STOP AND WHY YOU MUST! Hijackals put you down, wear you down, and tear you down. They have to, in their minds because, at deep levels, you are THE competition!You are not, but they behave as though you are. And, no amount of assuring them, caring for them—or pandering to them—will change this. So, you have to change, because they won’t! Today, I'm giving you three reasons that you'll easily see in your relationship that the Hijackal is crushing you. You know this, and I want to put a spotlight on it for you.Can you admit these to yourself? That's the first step. You need to be able to say a clear "Yes!" not a "Yes, but..." with an excuse, justification, or rationalization of the crazy-making behavior.Are you ready to be free of this? To stop questioning your sanity and second-guessing yourself? GREAT!Hijackals are toxic people who create toxic relationships! You are bein

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorIS IT ACTUALLY COMPETITION THAT'S RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? ARE YOU MORE FRENEMIES THAN FRIENDS? There's nothing attractive, compelling, or safe about competition in a relationship that is not on a playing field, in a pool, or a ring. It's destructive and exhausting. VERY IMPORTANT to recognize if competition is what's at the core of a relationship that doesn't feel safe.Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you relaxed and supported? You want to be, and need to be. If you're not, it could well be that there is subtle (or overt!) competition that is undermining the relationship, and YOU.Are you and your partner a team? Can you, and do you, healthily rely on each other? You need to be able to!What's your part in this? Time for self-reflection. These questions will help you clarify what part you might be playing to keep the competition going. It's always wise to start with self-reflection first. Here are t

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help DoctorSpecial Conversation with ​ Johanna Lynn, Clinical HypnotherapistAll that happened to you in life affects everything that is currently happening in your life. If you are not getting the results in life and relationships that you want, then, you want to listen to this episode for sure. Unless you've had a reason or taken the time to think deeply about the home your grew up in, you might not recognize that you had a relentlessly difficult, toxic parent. If you did, the things you learned before you even could walk are affecting everything, on auto-pilot. That Hijackal parent taught you who you were and what to expect from life, and that parent lied to you. Really! MY GUEST Johanna Lynn, Part 1 - Inherited Family Ties and TraitsWhy are you comfortable being treated in ways that make you uncomfortable? Learn how your nervous system learned this. Families share operating systems, family patterns, fam

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor12 DAMAGING WAYS YOUR NARCISSISTIC MOTHER LIED TO YOU ABOUT WHO YOU AREYou don't have to wonder where your self-doubts came from if you were raised by a mother who had narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, or antisocial--Hijackal®--tendencies. She made sure you learned to walk on eggshells, second-guess yourself, and question your sanity! She would never let you feel good enough. Right?In fact, she competed with you every second, on some level. And, she always HAD to win!A narcissistic mother has to be at the top of the pile. She'll make sure she stays there, too. So, where does that leave you? At the bottom somewhere. Now, yes, you may be what is called her "Golden Child," the child who can do no wrong. She may haven one of those, especially if you have siblings. She may also choose on "Scapegoat Child," the one who can NEVER do anything right. And, the other siblings will be lost in the mix.If your mom was l

SAVE YOUR SANITY: HELP FOR HANDLING HIJACKALS®with Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor4 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO NOT MISS EMOTIONAL RED FLAGSDo you live on the edge, knowing that at any minute you could suffer from a stinger, a snide comment, or a cold shoulder from your partner, parent, or other difficult person?Are disdain and disapproval always waiting in the wings?Are you generally on-guard and waiting for the other shoe to drop?Those are feelings you have when you are with a toxic person, a relentlessly difficult person, a narcissist, a borderline, or other antisocial person. That's why you NEED to listen to today's episode to learn more.Today, I'm talking about four questions you need to ask yourself so that you will CLEARLY SEE RED FLAGS! Those flags can be infrequent, somewhat hidden, or some things you have unfortunately become too used to. Seeing them is the first step in making some big, positive changes to your relationship, first the one with yourself, and then with the partner