Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Today on SelfWork I’m answering questions about narcissism as well as frustration and even hopelessness about ever healing from the wounds that narcissists can cause. We’ll hear from one man whose dad he describes as extremely self-centered and emotionally abusive to both him and his mother. But asks if this is narcissism or not. Then there’s a very poignant voicemail from a woman who talked eloquently about her past relationships with two different types of narcissists, the first what she calls covert, the second malignant. I’ll describe those terms, so you’ll know what we’re talking about. But she described herself as feeling hopeless about her ability to trust anyone again.What brought these stories together in my own mind was not only that the two stories were about narcissism. But how both listeners conveyed a sense of not knowing how to heal or which direction to go where their lives wouldn’t be so painfully affected by their narcissistic parent or ex-partner.Vital Links: Duke Health proposes an acronym

Shame may be one of the most, if not the most, devastating feeling about yourself that you can have. I was interviewed this week by a Swedish journalist who asked me some probing questions about my own history with shame – as she’d read an article I wrote in Psychology Today on just that topic. Here’s the last paragraph of that article: The funny thing that shame does? It lies to you. It tells you that you're so terrible. And that you must be the worst of the worst. So, when you meet someone that you like, trust, or respect, and they tell you they understand and have lived what you're living? Gone through what you're going through?You figure out shame has been lying to you all along.Today we’re going to talk about just that. First how shame talks to you through an inner dialogue that’s always commenting and often criticizing you. Second, how shame lies to you. I’ll tell you the details of my own battle with shame. And how I learned to acknowledge the power of its lies. And third – how you can stop

My guest for this episode of SelfWork is Leslie Gray Streeter, a woman I’ve “known” (or as she explains to me is a parasocial friend of mine) – since 2019 or 2020. Leslie’s first book, Black Widow, was about the death of her husband, Scott – and was told with such biting truth and gritty humor that I knew I wanted to keep up with her.She's now written her second book, Families and Other Calamities. She weaves together her own life with her story line, and I once again found her writing - and the characters in this family - to be fascinating, funny, and very human.Born in hood-adjacent Baltimore City, Leslie is a columnist for the Baltimore Banner, a University of Maryland College Park graduate, and veteran journalist. She's also someone always looking for new ways to tell stories, both her own and those in her communities. She's the co-host of “Fine Beats and Cheeses,” a podcast about pleasure we aren’t guilty about, with her sister Lynne Streeter Childress.Advertisers' Links and Special Offer

Today we'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they're created in childhood.  As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what you’re not. But your style can also change – and that’s what we’ll focus on… what you can do about it. You can also click on a link to a questionnaire in your show notes that’s free and you can determine what your own attachment style is currently! Here’s the link to the attachment questionnaire! Click this link!  I also received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in on relationships.Vital Links:  Mark Manson on attachment stylesAdvertisers Links:Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 –

Today on SelfWork, in this "second time around" episode, let's focus on a quartet of players in the self-sabotage realm: procrastination, perfectionism, a negative self-fulfilling prophecy, and of course, imposter syndrome. And as always, we'll talk about... what you can do about it. What's self-sabotage? When you're doing things or not doing things that seem to get in the way of achieving something or creating the life you say you want.I want to talk more about the fear that’s underneath self-sabotage. Perhaps it’s not sabotage at all. It’s really one part of you – the part that’s afraid – protecting that fear or avoiding it. So, what can seem as if you’re “getting in your own way” can actually be your mind working to keep you safe from a fear that you may be conscious of, or not conscious of at all.The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a woman who’s realized that, in order to have a sense of control, that she not only lives out her plans for today, but tries to complete things ea

The goal of personal branding is being touted as the best way to ensure success in 2025. Here’s a statement put out by the Harvard Business Review in 2023.. “Much of professional and personal success depends on persuading others to recognize your value. You have to do this when you apply for jobs, ask for promotions, vie for leadership positions, or write your dating profile. For better or worse, in today’s world everyone is a brand, and you need to develop yours and get comfortable marketing it.”Today we’re going to focus on the pressure involved in personal branding. I’m readily admitting, that with my head in the research about the dangers of what’s termed destructive perfectionism, with another recent bestseller being a book called ‘high-functioning depression, and the rise in suicides in our youth ’ – I have some real concerns about the pressure this whole idea brings with it. The Harvard article may say, “like it or not” – but I don’t particularly like to be told that I have to accept something that I t

Today we’re going to focus on AI (Artificial Intelligence) and how it might be used as in psychology and specifically in therapy. It’s interesting to see how people are responding; some states are banning its use, either to protect the jobs of people who’ve studied and received degrees (as is happening in many professions) or to warn of mistakes that AI can make or harm it can do.There was dramatic and heart-breaking example of this happening just this week. I'd already recorded this episode but then heard about 16 year-old Adam Raine who was allegedly admitting to ChatGBT that he wanted someone to stop him from killing himself. You can hear ChatGBT's alleged answers in this episode. And if it's found to be true, it's not only tragic but it's highly dangerous. I cannot imagine how his parents and loved ones are coping with his death which seemed to be extremely preventable.I’ll give you my thoughts and my own experiences with ChatGBT thus far. Maybe a few reminders about what my experience

If you've ever wondered if you had it in you to stop drinking or change any destructive habit you have, Marci Hopkins wants to tell you that you can. She's the author of Chaos to Clarity, Seeing the Signs and Breaking the Cycles,  and an award-winning TV Personality, host, show creator and executive producer of "Wake Up with Marci." Wake Up is a talk show all about inspiration and empowerment, where Marci shares stories of triumph and transformation to spread hope.Marci got very honest with herself (after getting a DWI) that her alcohol use had moved way beyond a glass of wine or two at night “to relax.” I loved that her story was messy… it took some time for her to be honest with herself about her alcoholism… but the DWI and the realization she could lose her family made her take the healing step she needed.She’s open and clear that for her, her faith was what helped her get through the very difficult commitment to sobriety.She says, "My guests are living proof that it is possible to heal

Meeting Kyle Kittleson was an incredibly refreshing experience.Why? Because he lives and breathes his passion for bettering the world. Whether it's through his work with animals (he's an animal trainer), his dedication to children's learning about animals on his very popular YouTube channel, BaBa Blast. Or his hosting of the incredibly informative MedCircle.com, where he interviews therapists and doctors and all kinds of people about mental health. About that, he says, "To help other struggle less through proper education has been a privilege."As a child, he formed a club that he called the "Save the World" club. He says now, "Saving the world might be a stretch. However, changing the world – changing the world for better – is absolutely doable."Along the way, he dealt with his own depression as a nine year-old, his knowledge that he was gay and wishing he could be anything else but that, and his mother's early death. Yet the relationships he formed with the animals he

Today we're focusing on the anxiety of being rejected, scorned, or judged. And how it’s a prison that keeps you from feeling safe to talk about yourself in real terms. It’s not a diagnosable anxiety disorder – unless you have panic attacks along with that fear. But to me, it’s as real as any of the classic diagnoses that are out there, like OCD or generalized anxiety disorder.But when you can allow yourself to step out of that prison – when you feel safe enough with a therapist or a friend or a partner to say who you really are… the freedom you feel can be incredible.Today's listener/reader comment was a response to the blogpost When Mom Is Emotionally Unstable: Seven Ways to Heal. So, I’ll read her comment and question – and maybe it’ll answer some of your own about your mom or dad whose emotions and behaviors were or are all over the place.There's also my thoughts on the life and death of Anne Burrell. Only compassion and wondering what this wonderful woman could've been dealing with..Vital

How To Be Enough, a new book by Ellen Hendriksen is a must-read for anyone struggling with perfectionism and shame.She's a clinical psychologist at Boston University Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, and the author of a new book, How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists. She's already a very successful author having published the book How To Be Yourself in 2018 on conquering social anxiety. And I was incredibly interested in talking with her because we are obviously both very concerned about rising perfectionism. She states: "Perfectionism isn't about striving to be perfect. It's about never feeling good enough."I really enjoyed this conversation. She's funny. Her book is full of pragmatic advice as well as personal stories. She's down to earth, and we had a real human to human connection - woman to woman - "perfectionist to perfectionist."Advertisers Links:Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subs

What is body dysmorphia? If you've irrationally felt, "I hate the way ....... looks or is," and you're talking about your own body, then you may be struggling with body dysmorphia.You can have a huge preoccupation with whatever defect your mind is telling you that you have – and can spend lots of time and money and energy to try and “fix” the problem. But tragically, the medicine or the surgery or the exercise doesn’t “fix” the irrationality – and so these kinds of problems can exist for years.So today, we’re going to focus on what body dysmorphia is – and as always, what you can do about it.Instead of a listener email this week, I’ve learned of the death of a wonderful man who was my guest last year on SelfWork. James Doty. He was a neurosurgeon, a professor at Stanford, who knew the Dalai Lama well as he founded the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, and they became quite good friends. I’ll tell you a little more about him later in the episode and once again,

Given the wave of mental health awareness that has occurred over the last decade or more, is depression getting easier to talk about?In some ways, yes. But in other important ways… it doesn’t seem to be. There are plenty of reasons that are the essentially the same as they've been for a while. But there’s one that’s emerged only recently… the idea that a mental illness diagnosis becomes an identity you have. “I’m bipolar, so this is really hard for me.” It can even become your identity or brand on social media.What about the apparent backlash that’s occurring as a response to mental illness branding? Influencers are labeling themselves as traumatized or using a diagnostic label as their way of selling you something or attracting followers.How do you know who to trust? Who’s an expert and who isn’t?The listener voicemail tells a story that I’ve heard fairly often. When one family member takes advantage of their relationship with an older person, a mom, a dad, an aunt or uncle or grandparent, and takes much

What's success for men? Lucas Krump would say that what's missing for many men is connection, with their emotions but also with each other.Who's Lucas Krump?He's the Chief Growth Officer at EVRYMAN, a global community that fosters men's personal growth and emotional wellness. Lucas has been instrumental in expanding EVRYMAN's mission, offering retreats, online programs, and a membership-based platform that helps men develop deeper emotional intelligence. His work has been featured in outlets such as CBS Evening News, The New York Times, and GQ.He’s basically a guy who thought he had all the boxes checked – that he was as successful as any man could be. But he was also miserable in his corner office with his name on the door and lots of money in his pocket.This is his story. And how he changed his misery into gratitude and connection.Vital Links: Lewis Howes on his book The Masks of MasculinityAdvertisers Links:Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your sub

I'm a shrink. And today, I want to talk about the hit show Shrinking.Most of the time, I hear the term "shrink" used in a funny, almost endearing way. It’s like when people call me “Doc” instead of my name. It’s a term that binds us but also keeps boundaries clear.I’d like to give you my thoughts on the Apple TV show Shrinking. And even more so, its message – that the people who are shrinks aren’t living lives that are somehow set apart from the rest of humanity. We’re dealing with our own lives as we try our best to help you with yours. As I think the Harrison Ford character says, “Messed up people can help other messed up people” or something like that. There’s hopefully some humility involved.The listener email is from a daughter asking if the insecurity she feels – fear of “messing up” – has anything to do with the fact that she and her mom were enmeshed…AG1 New GenerationVital Links: Blogpost on building self-confidenceAdvertisers Links:Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus p

Parenting is hard. It may be the most ambiguous job you’ll ever have. Not only do you have to wait literally years to see what the “finished product” truly is – you have to get through adolescence and social media influence and screen time and drug use and hurt from relationships and broken bones and just basic screw-ups on your part – but there’s no guaranteed rule book.Parenting has stages...Today’s episode is on the stage of parenting, where you leave the “teaching” stage of parenting to the “consulting” stage. You move from having a very central, controlling role with your kids to a less primary, but still very important role. You don’t tell them what to do necessarily – but you offer guidance. And if they fall, you help them get up. You show your belief in them – you don’t try (as hovering helicopter or even worse lawn-mower parents do) to make sure they’re not facing any obstacles. You may think you see the obstacle before they do – but they’re grown. And they’ve got to live out their choices – just as

Therapy-misspeak – overusing the terms used by psychologists and doctors and therapists – has blown up in recent years. Words that are used in the mental health world to diagnose or describe certain mental illnesses or traits of mental illnesses have become part of everyday language. But not in a good or accurate way.The trend seems to be leading… not to better mental health – but to a dilution of the actual pain or hardship that is mental illness as well as to hinder you learning how to talk more plainly about your emotions or experiences.Things to remember about therapy-misspeak: Not all jerks are narcissists.No one has one day where you have bipolar disorder or OCD.A reaction isn’t a trigger.Getting hurt isn’t necessarily trauma. It’s important but it’s not necessarily traumatic.Imposter syndrome isn’t the same as feeling initially overwhelmed by something you’re trying to do or become.Self-care isn’t as powerful as self-respect.Borderline isn’t you feeling out of control.Panic is more than feeling anxious

ADHD in women is finally being diagnosed for what it is and has been!Understood.org, a leading resource for people with learning and thinking differences, has launched a new podcast series, Climbing the Walls, a new limited-series investigative podcast. Hosted by health and science journalist and documentarian Danielle Elliot, the podcast explores what led to new ADHD diagnoses among women ages 20–49, which nearly doubled between 2020 and 2022 (CDC).Across six episodes, Elliot weaves together scientific explanations with personal stories, describing significant problems with such things as executive functioning and rejection sensitivity.Advertisers Links:Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to orde

Do you know how to heal from an affair?This episode is once again motivated by a wonderful question from a listener. He’s a guy whose been in a relationship for many years – had an affair – or as he says “I cheated." But he now realizes that he still has deep feelings for his girlfriend. He wants to know how the two of them need to approach reconciliation together. I was struck by his sincerity and honesty, and decided to feature his comments and question.There are very specific things I’ve learned about how to heal from an affair or affairs. It’s not easy but it can be done. I’ll offer seven of those caveats today.Advertisers Links:Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!You can hear mor

Today's episode is about watching my mother disappear.She wasn't a magician; she didn't physically leave all of us. She disappeared after she very bravely went into rehab and got off the massive amounts of prescription drugs she'd been taking for decades.My mother would've been 100 years of age this week, a feat she wouldn't have liked as she hated aging. I think of her a lot but decided that, in an episode that I hope honors her, I wanted to describe how addictions to prescription drugs can happen so easily.She was beautiful, very thin, and smart - all the things women were supposed to be in the 1960's. And when she sought help for what were panic attacks, she was handed her "nerve pills." And that was it.This is a repeat episode. And her story bears repeating. She once said, "I wish I'd known what these meds were doing to me."And I want you to know. Please share with anyone who might be struggling.Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:Have you been putting