How To Survive

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 235 (despite what we might say in the intro)...and he calls out to the ones who need him -- the damaged ones. Brahms: The Boy II (2020), unfortunately, continues and expands upon the wondeful story of Brahms, the doll first seen in The Boy (2016). Following a traumatic event, a family moves to the grounds of the mysterious Heelshire Estate in the hopes of a relaxing break. Little do they know what bland, frustrating and confusing events that will befall them. We discuss dolls, a creepy groundskeeper who could probably throw a kettle over a pub, advise proper croquet mallet target acquisition and pick apart one of the most baffling twists in all the films we've ever watched. All that plus Joe's 'Boys in movies' quiz.  All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: sometimes it's fun to be scared. Next time - we're watching the uplifting, hilarious Saint Maud (20

*Apologies for the delay to this episode. We really did intend to kick off 2021 with a more rigorous schedule but unfortunately, as has been the case for many this last year, some less-than-ideal life events got in the way. Furthermore, neither of us were in the best circumstances when we recorded this, which may well be reflected in energy levels (or lack thereof) in the podcast. We'll be back and more bushy-tailed very soon.* How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 234...and we have both seen the same inhuman spirit. The Nun (2018) expands the incredibly detailed and worthwhile Conjuring meta-Universe to tell the origin story of Valak, the nefarious demonic Nun from The Conjuring 2 (2016), a film which neither of Chris or Joe have seen.  We discuss Conjurings, convents, the Nun-based horror we wish this was, and ponder how much fatal exorcising can you let your main character get away with before he gets his come-uppance? The answer, it turns out, is plenty.

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's Christmas!...and you want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. It's a Wonderful Life (1946) is perhaps the definitive uplifting Christmas film, and so what better way to sign off a universally terrible year than by listening to two smug pricks picking it to pieces? Downtrodden and destitute, George Bailey contemplates suicide. As his guardian angel learns about George, we see the highs and lows of a life full of the ordinary ups and downs, pains and joys the world can foist upon you, and learn that however bad things seem, cheer, love and support can be found in your loved ones, your community, and your hope for a brigher future. Unless you're Mr Potter. Join us as we get painfully earnest at the end of an awful year, hail the gold standard of classical filmmaking, share our heartbreak for cinema's most honest and beloved protagonist and hope that wherever you are, whoever you are, th

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 233...and don’t take it personally. They’re just trying to figure out if you’re a gold-digging whore. Ready or Not (2019) tells the story of newly-married Grace, who wants to make a good impression on her new husband Daniel's relatives - the mysterious Le Domas family, owners of the Le Domas boardgaming Monopoly. As is only fitting, before the happy couple start their Life together, they have a traditional family game with the newlyweds on their wedding night, but this game is less Ticket to Ride and more Ticket to Die. Can Grace Scrabble around and survive the night, or will she end up another victim of the Le Domas' arcane Operation? We cut into a slice of (sort of) wedding-themed horror, family traditions and the adherance thereof, cults, Colts, 100-second counts, and whether one should ever make a deal with the devil. Plus, stick around at the end for Joe's attempts to return to Return to Castle Wolfenstein. All o

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 232...and should pale death, with treble dread, make the ocean caves our bed, God who hears the surges roll, deign to save the suppliant soul. The Lighthouse (2019) tells the absolutely fine and normal story of Thomas's Wake and Howard, two wickies with the task of operating a remote lighthouse for a month off the coast of 19th Century New England. But can they keep their fragile friendship intact, or will the isolation take its toll? Also featuring mermaids and tentacles. We discuss what we think actually happens in Robert Eggers' The Witch follow-up, the dangers of cabin fever, eldritch horrors and marxism, but mainly the extremely subtle and subtextual homoerotic tension of two grown men living and constantly wanking inside a big dick. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're gonna spill your beans. Next time, it's the best day of our live

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's time for a bonus episode...and I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'! We turned 5 years old back in August and marked it by...doing absolutely nothing! So here we are, 3 months later, revisiting the film that started it all - Friday the 13th (1980). If you didn't know, Friday the 13th tells the story of Camp Crystal Lake, and a group of teenagers who arive to help renovate the camp ahead of its grand re-opening, 30 years after a brutal double murder. What could go wrong? We revisit a classic and ask ourselves, fresh from watching 250 other horror movies, is it any good, does it deserve its reputation (good and bad), and have the intervening years given us any new insights?  All of which leads to one important question: why aren't we cracking on with the films we're supposed to be watching? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Guess I always wanted to work with children. I hate when people call them kids. Sounds l

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod   It's episode 231...and "There are no approved quotes yet for this movie" - Rotten Tomatoes   Host (2020) tells the story of a group of friends who hold a seance over Zoom during the 2020 COVID-19 lockdown. Before long (no really, the movie is only an hour long), a bad spirit is summoned and some video-conferencing-based-haunting ensues.   We discuss how restrictions can encourage creativity when it comes to horror; the importance of respecting the experts (particularly when there are dangerous spirits around); and pay tribute to that most overlooked of survival tips: turning on the lights.   All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?   Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the movie is truly only an hour long. So good. We should watch it every week.   Next time, we're hunkering down for The Lighthouse (2019).   Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePo

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod   It's episode 230...and there is a dead man at the end of this line.   Heat (1995) tells the doomed story of star-crossed lovers Neil McCauley and Detective Vincent Hanna, two kindred spirits torn asunder by their respective loves of doing crimes and stopping people what do crimes. Set on the seedy, steamy streets of 90s Los Angeles, can the two overcome their differences and finally be together, or will it all end in an avoidable tragedy behind an electrical substation on the tarmac at LAX?   We watch possibly the greatest acting double-header of all time, discuss why it's unwise to watch the loudest gunfight in movie history with a sleeping infant upstairs, and question whether a movie criminal who is famous for his guiding principles is actually a weak-willed hypocrite.   All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?   Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She's got a...GREAT ASS!   Next time

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod   It's episode 229...and What did he say? Badda-beep, badda-bap, badda-boop, badda-beep.   It's The Godfather (1972). Michael Corleone is back from the war, and looking for love - but when his father is injured in a work-related incident, it falls to Michael to step in and whip the family business into shape.    We set aside all vendettas to hand out marriage advice for the masses; top tips for managing an unarmoured toll-booth; and advising anyone who will listen to take advantage of the opportunities life gives them.   All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?   Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!   'Movies We Haven't Seen / Crime Drama / 3-Hour Long / Al Pacino / Good Film Season' continues next week with Heat (1995).   Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod   It's episode 228...and seeing is not believing, it's the other way round.    It's time for The Orphanage (2007). Laura has bought the orphanage she grew up in, and has high hopes for its re-establishment. But before long her son, Simon, goes missing, and Laura is haunted by... ghosts, grief, guilt? You'll have to see it to believe it, or believe it to see it.   We brandish the building surveys and blueprints; send in the safety standards; and forgo playtime in favour of getting the job done.    All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?   Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: One, Two. Three... Knock on the wall...   Next time, it's an offer that you can't refuse: The Godfather (1972).   Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

A quick note from us: we didn't anticipate only recording one podcast in August but unfortunately that's how the cards fell! We hope you can forgive us, and we promise it won't be another month before you hear from us again!   How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod   It's episode 227...and you don't want to wake up, do you? In Under the Skin (2013) Scarlett Johansson plays a mysterious, human skin-inhabiting alien who travels around Glasgow seducing unwitting men for nefarious reasons. But will her disguise lend her a deeper understanding of the human psyche, and will that ultimately change her view of humanity?   We tackle Jonathan Glazer's unique and disturbing horror vision, lure it into our black analysis void and suck out its inside meanings, and also find time to discuss all the usual suspects - stranger danger, GUM clinics, and all those hopeless derelicts north of the border.   All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?   Whatev

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 226...and this time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg.. Looper (2012) tells the story of Joe, a 'Looper'. Loopers are assassins who kill people sent from the future, where time travel exists but is controlled by criminal gangs. There are also psychic people. Fun and games ensue when Joe is ordered to kill a 30-year-older version of himself.  We discuss then whens, wheres and whyfors of mute begging, hoverbike jousting, propose picking a safe word for you and your older self, and Joe outs himself as a Little Monster masquerading as a Moonage Daydreamer. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is a Remington 870. One blast could cut you the f*ck in half. Join us next time as we go under the skin of Jonathan Glazer's Under the Skin (2013) Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 225...and I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it. Back to the Future (1985) tells the story of Marty McFly, a precocious teen with deadbeat parents and a good friend in Doc Brown, a local inventor and all-round eccentric. When Marty helps Doc test his newly-constructed time machine, he winds up stranded three decades earlier in 1955. Can he convince the younger Doc Brown to help him, and can he make sure his high schooler parents still meet and fall in love? It's time for celebration as we mark the 35th anniversary of one of the greats of family adventure cinema, and cover all the usual ground - fawning potrayals of Americana, desperate levels of product placement, troubling depictions of sexual violence, the ending's facist overtones, and elderly men welding U-Boats in a 3ft canal in West London. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one th

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 224... and change doesn't happen spontaneously. The Platform (2019) (or El Hoyo (2019) depending on whether you are in spain or not), tells the story of Gorreng, a man who wakes up in a vertical prison of several hundred floors. Each day, a platform lowers food from the top floor downwards, with prisoners relying on the lack of greed of those above them in order to eat. Why? Well, why not? We talk about the benefits of a mobile vegetable patch; how to make sure your message is received by delivering it in person; and the importance of really thinking through the design of a prison system before you open. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: hunger releases that madman in us. Join us next time as we go Back to the Future (1985). Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 223...these are just things. They can be replaced. mother! (2017) stars Jennifer Lawrence as Mother in the completely straightforward and simple story of a man and woman who live in a house. When some strangers arrive and begin to take liberties with Mother's hospitality, tensions begin to rise. What follows is an absolutely normal time with normal events and nothing out of the ordinary with no double-meaning whatsoever. We get our metaphorrors and alleghorrorcals confused, give hypnobirthing advice, discuss unruly house parties and unruly house party guests and, above all else, take everything the film has to offer at face value with no attempt to read anything into the events and themes of the film. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I wanna make a Paradise. Next episode is the Netflix-distributed The Platform (2020)! Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gm

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod It's episode 222... and failure is not an option. Happy Death Day 2U (2019) reunites us with our favourite hungover student Tree for more time-looping horror hijinks, but this time with a pop sci-fi twist. How much merit can there be in repeating the premise of a film about repeating the same events over and over? Well...some merit, as it turns out.  We offer some much-needed architectural advice, dig into some surprising emotional depth, discuss the life and future works of Christopher Landon and, most importantly, check what film our mate Joe watched on his birthday this year. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Once a douchebag, always a douchebag. Next episode, as voted for by the patrons, is mother! (2016) Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 221... and he said that wherever I went, he would find me, walk right up to me, and I wouldn't be able to see him The Invisible Man (2020) tells the story of an invisible man. Or does it? Cecilia has just escaped an abusive relationship, and her ex has apparently died by suicide - but now she has the distinct feeling that she's being haunted and hunted by his invisible presence.  We suggest swinging away; creating an even playing field; and the merits of being able to accept when a relationship is over. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if Adrian calls, tell him I can't see him. Next episode: Happy Death Day 2 U (2019). Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

The long awaited episode is finally here.   Joe sits down with his 3 month old son to discuss Stanley Kubrick's 1968 masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and explains the film in detail even a starchild can understand.   You can expect: - Stories of the film's production - 2001's place in the history of Sci-Fi - Interpretations of the film - Cooing   There's even a little bit of survival chat to round off the episode.   Feel free to get in touch with you thoughts on this format: @howtosurvivepod on Twitter, or email howtosurviveshow@gmail.com.   Chris and Joe will be back soon with a regular How to Survive episode on The Invisible Man (2020).   Until then. stay safe x

A quick update from your two favourite survivors. For anyone who can't listen: - We're going to start doing the podcast again, but releasing irregularly for a while. - From May 1st the Patreon will act as a 'tip jar'. There will be a single '1$ and up' tier, and no exclusive content. Feel free to pledge as much or as little as you like. All HTS content going forward will be freely available until further notice. - All proceeds from the Patreon will go to the WHO COVID-19 Response Fund until further notice. - Joe is launching his 2001 episode this week. - We're recording our first proper episode since the hiatus - on The Invisible Man (2020) - this week. Last, but not least - we hope you're all doing okay.  Email us at howtosurviveshow@gmail.com and find us on Patreon at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod