Spoilerpiece Theatre

  Vin Diesel said FURIOUS 7 should win Best Picture if the Oscars want to be relevant. Hey, NOTHING could make the Oscars relevant, not even THIS KICK-ASS PIECE OF AWESOME MOVIE. Holy crap, is it amazing. It’s not FAST & FURIOUS 6, but it’s close. Also on the show, Dave shows off his love for the German accent when Evan talks about WOMAN IN GOLD, and Kris regales us with stories of DER SAMURAI and Passover cake. Plus, there’s a Steve Martin moment or two at the top.

  Today is a good day to die on Spoilerpiece. We spend some time wondering what a phone call from Liam Neeson would be like. Then we delve into the odd comic sensibilities of GET HARD, and Evan brings a deeper level of consideration to it than Dave and Kris thought possible. (How is Evan not a Pulitzer-nominated critic?) Kris gives everyone the lowdown on the Boston Underground Film Festival, which, as of publication, is still going on (it concludes March 29). Bonus! A great story about Udo Kier.

  “He marries her vindictively? Let’s analyze that statement.” In what kind of film does someone get married vindictively? In a film like THE GUNMAN (or in this case, specifically THE GUNMAN). Kris hated it so much he could barely get through spoilerpiecing it for Dave and Evan. They didn’t do much better with INSURGENT; Evan liked it. Dave didn’t. It’s YA action, adventure, and romance at its most bland (that’s what Dave thinks, anyway). And Kris touches briefly on Godard’s GOODBYE TO LANGUAGE. Tangents this week include reality TV shows that we wish existed; old-guy-killin’ movies; Dave’s dislike of Ray Winstone performances; the old, fat villain in “Commando”; and we break down what Kris means when he says, “Sean Penn has made movies before?”

This week's bullshit segment is brought to you by: horse shit. We all wonder how the special effects guys in BACK TO THE FUTURE III made the manure look so real, and then Dave points out something that Kris never noticed in the first film. Kris is under the weather, but he soldiers through as we discuss RUN ALL NIGHT, CINDERELLA, and IT FOLLOWS. Dave heaps some hate on RUN ALL NIGHT and other Liam Neeson films that piss him off. He mixes up who is Danny and who is Mike in the movie, but it doesn't matter. All he knows is that one looks like a low rent, Ryan Gosling. Kris gets inspired to start a fairy tale metal band before he and Dave talk about how surprised they are by all the praise CINDERELLA is getting. Their description of it reminds Evan of a SIMPSONS reference. Finally, Evan and Kris talk about how creeped out they were while watching the horror flick IT FOLLOWS. Neither of them scare easily, so you know it has to be good.

It’s CHAPPIE time on Spoilerpiece Theatre! We delve deeply into Neill Blomkamp’s latest dystopian sci-fi flick, which two-thirds of the guys like; talk about Yolandi and Ninja from Die Antwoord; debate the merits of cold pizza on an episode of “Cooking with Kris”; take cheap shots at Nickelback; run through the list of fake names Bart supplies Moe the Bartender with on “The Simpsons”; rip on the title of THE SECOND BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL; and Kris and Dave tell Evan he needs to listen to more Prince.

  You know it’s a good night at SPOILERPIECE when we break into a lengthy tangent about Journey, Steve Perry, and the video for “Oh Sherrie,” which Kris dubs “fuckin’ weird.” When we’re not talking about eighties pop-rock icons, we’re talking about aughts icons Tenacious D, and the movies FOCUS (which has a great performance by the underappreciated B.D. Wong), and THE LAZARUS EFFECT. One is worth seeing; one isn’t. In other news, Kris fills us in on his ongoing attempts to cook; Evan does more singing than he usually does; and Dave has a question about the Lego Oscar. Oh, what a night!

Ooh! We got your Oscars right here! So we’re talking about the glitz, glamor and gauche nonsense that is the Academy Awards. But first we hit the movies we saw this week. Kris made it through THE DUFF, a high school movie that, for Kris, doesn’t rank among the great high school movies. Then Evan and Dave saw HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2—and they’re dumber for it. On the plus side, we rip on the Oscars. Dave GOES OFF on the Oscar voter featured in “The Hollywood Reporter,” Kris enlightens us about jobs at NASA with funny names, and Evan explains the reason for his particular pronunciation of the word “biopic.”

  What a week it’s been at Spoilerpiece Theatre! The crappy weather here (currently the lead story on several national newscasts) caused several critics’ screening cancellations, so all ya get this week is FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, a movie that isn’t good, but is as good as any movie could be that started as TWILIGHT fan fiction. And besides, there’s plenty to say about it. We get into the nitty gritty of FIFTY SHADES, but not before grousing about Boston’s crappy public transportation. Kris, Evan, and Dave all agree on the movie, by the way — and they agree that the best way to talk about it is ridicule ceaselessly while acknowledging the talent of star Dakota Johnson and director San Taylor-Johnson. There are a million double entendres this week, ladies and gentlemen.

We spend a lot of time this week on JUPITER ASCENDING, and not because it's good. Because - JAYSUS - it's really, really bad. Like, so bad. You think THE MATRIX sequels were bad? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET. This movie is a cesspool of overused ideas and underbaked plotlines. Gah. Evan and Dave absolutely lose their minds. Dave says "It's so stupid" about a million times. At least Sean Bean survives (holy shit)! And at least Kris makes an attempt at putting the movie in a broader cultural context (in his estimation: the Wachowskis made a Y.A. movie on purpose). Plus, Kris finally pissed Dave off, and not the other way around. Then Kris briefs us on DUKE OF BURGUNDY (which he recommends) and THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER (which he reluctantly recommends). Tangents this week include a dip into TITANIC, the new MAGIC MIKE movie, STEP UP, how much arm strength actors have, PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES,and the phrase "show your ass." It all makes sense in the end. We swear.

As the Beastie Boys said, “Another plane, another train, another bottle in the brain, another girl, another fight, another drive all night.” What does that have to do with Spoilerpiece? IT’S MIDNIGHT, WHO KNOWS, DON’T JUDGE US. What we do know is that we got through 24 inches of snow (that’s twice the length of “Informer,” as far as we know) and convened for a late episode discussing the Mike Binder-directed Kevin Costner vehicle BLACK OR WHITE and J.C. Chandor’s third flick, A MOST VIOLENT YEAR. We also got into tangents about parking, abandoning cars, and Kris had a great story about drunk wasps. Evan didn’t leave his house for two days and there are birds in Dave’s bedroom. It was, as Dave’s college R.A. would have said, a fuggin’ week.

HEY-O! It's an especially dirty episode this week as we tackle movies with explicit sex and plots that make us swear in disbelief. That's right, gang! It's THE BOY NEXT DOOR, the Jennifer Lopez comeback vehicle that, if there's any justice, will soon be playing at midnight shows alongside THE ROOM. Kris and Dave could NOT believe how awful it is - and they highly recommend it. Plus, Evan lays out the coma-filled grief-sex feature SONG ONE, and Kris explains that, in many ways, STILL ALICE and CAKE are the same movie. Plus, we talk about "Law & Order: SVU," and we'd love to know from you what movies we should commentary.

Well, it finally happened. A movie made Evan really, really angry. And the thing that made him angry is a movie he otherwise liked. That's right, gang! It's Michael Mann's BLACKHAT (which Dave didn't know was Michael Mann until five minutes before the screening), and AMERICAN SNIPER. Plus, Kris has the best line of the night in his one-sentence description of Chris Hemsworth's character in "Blackhat." Anyway, there are plentiful tangents, and we also wanted to say thank you for listening! Last week was our most downloaded yet.

We promised it in last week's episode and we didn't deliver, so this week we finally get to the worst movies of 2014. Since we like to save the worst for last, we talk about two new movies we saw first: INHERENT VICE and SELMA. Tangents this week include veganism, pyschadelic drugs, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, and THE LONG GOODBYE among other things. The episode is a little longer than usual, but that's mostly because we were having so much fun talking about farts. That and Evan almost fell asleep editing the episode. We promise it will be shorter next time.

Happy new year, Spoilerpiecers! On this episode we each talk about our 10 favorite movies of 2014. There’s a lot of agreement and lots of disagreement. And then, totally organically, we venture into talk about cocaine, Aviator sunglasses, and Kenny Loggins. (Gotta love the tangents.) We hit upon LOCKE, THE DOUBLE, ENEMY, FRANK, SNOWPIERCER, ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE, BLUE RUIN, COLD IN JULY, JODOROWSKY’S DUNE…just to name nine. There are a bunch more. We'll get to the worst movies of 2014 next time. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but these things happen around the holidays.

Merry Christmas! Happy (belated) Hanukkah! And, DUDE: Dave goes OFF on an epic anti-musical rant before we even get to INTO THE WOODS. Plus, Kris takes ANNIE apart, and EVAN was pulled in two directions by UNBROKEN. We make some Marky Mark jokes, and the ending is a little looser than normal, but that's because we all wanted to get home for tha holidays. Hope you got everything you wanted this year, from world peace to THE INTERVIEW On Demand!

Because we've never seen anything like this in our lives - "unprecedented," as Kris says - we thought we'd talk about "The Interview" and its cancelled release, and what the implications are for the film industry, and, at the risk of sounding hoity-toity, life in general. Plus, we all weigh in on the awfulness of the final chapter of Peter Jackson's bloated Hobbit crapfest. There are lots of tangents, too, as Kris reveals his appreciation for "This is the End," a movie Dave can't imagine anyone would ever like, and Evan clues us in as to why he pronounces Smaug the Dragon's name the way he does.

Sadly, Dave is away this week, which means we had to record at Evan's and he had to edit, so hopefully we sound okay. And if we don't, too bad! Anyway, Dede Crimmins joins us again as we talk about Chris Rock's TOP FIVE and RIDLEY SCOTT's EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS. We also talk about Cards Against Humanity's Ten Days or Whatever of Kwanzaa, our top five rappers, JCVD's poetic turns of phrase, and films we watched at home before voting on our awards for BOFCA.

Hi, everyone! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving and avoided getting an elbow in the face while you shopped Friday. We're talking about THE BABADOOK, an excellent psychological horror movie by Jennifer Kent, and UNDER THE SKIN, the Scarlett Johansson alien movie, just because we can. And this week on the show, Evan is Morley Safer and Dave is Ed Bradley. Kris didn't pick a "60 Minutes" correspondent, so let's just say he was Harry Reasoner.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Enjoy stuffing yourself with turkey, and if you go to the movies, popcorn and candy. This week we take on the horrid "Horrible Bosses 2," "The Homesman," which has many layers and complicated characters, and the funny if silly "Penguins of Madagascar." Dave hates on Charlie Day; Evan disagrees with the other guys on some stuff; and Kris tells a joke he wrote when he was 13.

Can you say marketing ploy? That's right! It's our yap-fest about THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY PART 1, a movie we can't stop discussing even though we try to many times. Then we talk about CALVARY and wonder why Brendan Gleeson isn't a star. But perhaps most strangely, Evan lets Dave stroll through his Tinder account while Kris seems aghast.