Dear Dougy

Jana talks with Jenna, a participant in The Dougy Center's group for young adults, about the experience of losing her mom when she was a child and then her father, just before the start of her senior year at college.  For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/ Other great resources for young adults who are grieving: Websites www.modernloss.com www.whatsyourgrief.com Books Wild, by Cheryl Strayed A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers The Long Goodbye, by Meghan O'Rourke

Tips for grieving through Mother’s Day Whether you want to acknowledge the day or want to ignore it, know that the lead up, for many people, is the worst part. It can help to make a plan for the days leading up to Mother’s Day. If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them and their teacher ahead of time about possible activities at school. Work with the teacher and the child to come up with alternatives and options.  Let children know they can still celebrate Mother’s Day - and that it’s okay if they don’t want to. Don’t force children to pick another adult to honor, unless it’s something they want to do.  Know that there will be an inundation of advertisements in many places. If needed, come up with some strategies to navigate shopping and social media.  Consider a social media fast for the day - or - plan what you want to post. Maybe choose a favorite picture and think ahead about what you want to write.  Identify other women in your life you would like to celebrate- and - it’s okay if you don’t

After a death, it’s not unusual for children to have an increased sense of fear and anxiety. (It’s not unusual in adults, either.) When bad or sad things happen, it’s natural to be afraid more bad things will happen. The questions and concerns are normal: How will we live without the person who died? Who will take care of me?  Will someone else die? Where do people go after they die?  Will I die too? There's PDF tip sheet included with the podcast. The tipsheet can also be found here: http://www.dougy.org/docs/TDC_Fears_Tip_Sheet_10_14.pdf

Losing and finding yourself in grief. Brendon and Jana delve into the many layers of loss that we grapple with when someone dies and how that loss can change us. When we grieve, we miss the person and who they were in our lives. We miss who we were with them. Often we miss who we were in general before the death. As we think towards the future, we grieve for the events and occasions that we won’t share with the person. Over time, people in grief may start to see themselves differently. What they value, prioritize, and want in life can change radically. These changes occur on many levels: Spiritual shifts Difficulty remembering/accomplishing small tasks. Want to be social/difficult to be around people More compassionate/less able to tolerate everyday drama Put more time and energy into relationships Less concerned with work and material success/more immersed in work Can’t seem to exercise/exercise all the time – need it Increased interest in movies/books/songs about grief – vs. can’t tolerate them at all As

Seasons change, but what about my grief? There can be a lot of emphasis on special occasions – anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. when it comes to events that influence grief. Seasons and other markers of time can exert a similar effect, but can be confusing for those who are grieving – and those who support them. With an anniversary or a birthday, there’s a specific day to connect with an uptick in distress, but with a season, it can be harder to pinpoint. In this episode we talk about seasonal influences on grief and things to think about when navigating those changes. We highlight the approach of spring and how it can be particularly challenging time for those who are grieving. We also share ideas for ways to cope with the shift of seasons.  If you are grieving, it can be helpful to think through: What are the associations you have with this season and the person who died?  What role did the person who died play in your life during this season? What traditions do you want to keep? What new ones do y

"The language we use to describe events not only reflects our own attitudes but influences those attitudes as well as the attitudes of others." --Sommer-Rotenberg, D. Donna Schuurman, Senior Director of Advocacy and Training at The Dougy Center discusses some of the difficulties of language and stigma surrounding deaths by suicide.

Living with an advanced serious illness   All in all, even under the best circumstances where families have substantial financial resources and savings, great medical and life insurances, medical knowledge,  access to great health care and multiple caregivers, an articulated living will or end of life directives,  and emotional/spiritual support, it will be an extremely challenging and life altering experience.   Challenges and complexities   This is not an all inclusive list, but meant to highlight only a few of the challenges: High Anxiety: Research has shown that children with an immediate family member who is dying have extremely high levels of anxiety and for good reason, death is ever present; Anxiety can be manifested in many forms; restlessness, “acting out,” anger, irritability, stomach aches,  nausea,  in-attention,  “on edge,” emotional distancing or clinginess to name a few. High Stress: Family members may respond to the stress with big energy and little energy or varying between

Understanding And Supporting The Grieving Teen If you know a teen who is grieving a death, you may wonder what responses or behaviors you can expect to see and how to help. Grief is a holistic experience Grief can affect teens in many different ways: emotionally, behaviorally, cognitively, physically, and spiritually. The following are examples of how grief might look in these realms. Keep in mind that this list is just a sample of the indicators:  Emotional: Every emotion imaginable can be associated with grief. The most common ones include sadness, anger, confusion, fear, agitation, depression, relief, apathy, joy, restless, guilt, regret, irritability, yearning, increased appreciation, and gratitude.  Behavioral: Dropping activities/hobbies, difficulty sleeping, clingy behavior, regressions, aggression, withdrawal, nightmares, diminished/increased performance at work or school, decrease/increase in social engagement, substance use, over-planning/scheduling of activities. Cognitive: Difficulty concentrating

Where did everyone go? How grief affects connections with family and friends.  This episode grew out of a few questions from the community –  Why is it common for communication to either lessen with family/close friends or strengthen after a mutual loss? Why is it easier to connect with strangers? In my family we don't talk about the person - How do I know if I can bring it up? How do I bring it up? Grief affects our connections with others in many ways. Loss can foster a greater closeness with family and friends and it can also wreak havoc on existing relationships, leaving people unsure and disappointed. Many factors contribute to changes in relationships, particularly the role that the person who died played in your family and friend constellation. For some grieving people, especially children and teens, it can feel more comfortable talking with those they aren’t close to, including those who didn’t know the person who died.  Suggestions for ways to make it easier to talk about the person who died in you

Valentine's Day is one of the many holidays that shift and change while grieving. As with so many other holidays, the lead-up can be really hard. Advertisements and casual conversations about plans can leave grieving people left out, or eager to flee. In this episode of Grief Out Loud, Jana and Brendon talk about strategies for approaching Valentine's Day in a way that opens up space to express love and appreciation. Some ideas mentioned in this episode: Decide on what traditions you and/or your children want to uphold and then figure out who will be responsible for what. Connect with others you find to be supportive - this might look like setting up a phone call, email chat,  or getting together for dinner. Schedule some self-care that feels replenishing: go for a hike,  check out a new movie, take a yoga class, meet up with friends,  journal, or cook a nourishing meal. Ask your kids what helps them feel energized or calm - we sometimes forget that kids need self-care too. Volunteer for an organization or e

Alternatives to “I’m sorry for your loss.”   This episode delves into that moment when you find out about a death. Most of us don’t know what to say or do, so we go turn to what we’ve heard others say in a similar situation, “I’m sorry for your loss.” While there’s nothing wrong with those words, especially when said with authenticity and full presence, it’s helpful to know how that phrase affects those who are grieving and what you can say instead. Whether it’s getting a phone call with the news, writing out a sympathy card, or learning about a loss during a casual conversation, everyone encounters the dilemma of what to say and how to communicate we care.   Alternatives “I was so sad when I heard the news about your mom’s death.” With children and teens, they appreciate an honest: “That totally sucks.” If you do go with “I’m sorry” expanding it to “I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” or “I’m so sorry this is happening.” can break up the monotony of “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“How do I tell my child about the death?” This is the most common question we receive at The Dougy Center. Someone has died, leaving parents and other adult caregivers to struggle with finding the right words to say to their children. In this episode, we outline tips for talking with children about a death. Adults can start by attending to their own reactions to the death. Often the thoughts and feelings they experience can impede or enhance having an open, honest, supportive conversation with their children. As an adult, what do you need to sort out with feeling shame, blame, confusion, guilt, or other emotions related to how the person died? How can you keep that as your story and not put it onto your children?   Summary of tips for talking with children: Tell the truth Use concrete, age-appropriate language Allow for questions - in the moment and over time Be prepared to tell the story over and over, esp to younger kids Refer to The Dougy Center resources (below) Know that you are providing children with

In this episode, Jana and Brendon, answer two questions from the community. The first is from a mother of two young children who wonders what she can do with the ashes of her partner. The second from a young adult struggling with whether they should go to the funeral of a close friend’s mother. In this frank conversation, we discuss common and not so common options for what to do with ashes and outline some foundational questions to consider, both for adults and children when deciding.   Two resources with ideas for what to do with the ashes of someone who dies: A long list of options for ashes from Mental Floss Another list of 27 options for ashes from Urns Online

In this episode of Grief Out Loud, Jana and Brendon discuss some of the current mythology surrounding grief timelines. We demystify the idea that there is a recipe for grieving or one right way to go about integrating a loss. Listen to learn new ways of conceptualizing the unfolding of grief. During the discussion, Jana mentioned a couple of relevant resources:   Getting Grief Right, a NYT Opinionator article about grief timelines and "stages of grief" 5 Stages of Grief overview, which Jana noted is a familiar cultural landmark, but not a framework that The Dougy Center endorses for those who are grieving. While each of the stages involves thoughts and feelings that grievers may experience, it’s not a clear-cut linear process. Thinking that we need to achieve certain stages in order to grieve correctly can often create more suffering for those in grief.

In this inaugural episode of the Grief Out Loud Podcast, Jana and Brendon introduce themselves, talk about the history of The Dougy Center, and our work with grieving children and their families. Jana and Brendon also do a little housekeeping with respect to episode timing (weekly) and duration (aiming for 15-20 minutes), as well as what TDC can offer to the podcast community. Resources mentioned in the show: The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families