Limited Appeal

Have you heard about the Hadron Collider? Not the same as the hard-on collider, which is a different thing, I think. Anyway, if you've not heard of the first, maybe that's because people in the future are trying to stop you from hearing about it. It's as if someone is going back in time to save the universe from a massive cosmic traffic accident. (They're presumably perfectly OK with you learning about hard-on colliders.) Or maybe the workmen are just enjoying some cheesecake. Maybe you should do the same, instead of going jogging. Or send us an email instead (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). And whatever you do, keep on trucking! Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Is no sad – is part of life! This year you get a brand new Tedmas episode, which is surprising given our recent lack of podcast productivity. You're welcome! We begin with a festive edition of Name 5 Things, in which Warren asks us to name five foods that should become part of the traditional holiday menu. How would YOU modify candy canes? Think carefully now, because if you consider it properly we’re confident you'll agree with T-bone's suggestion. There's not even any mustard involved! Sadly, T-bone doesn't know how to shape things into a candy cane, so if you've got any food engineering skillz, contact us by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Finally, some questions to keep you pondering until the New Year: Why are there no corn nog flavoured pudding pops? Why can't Ukrainians count to 12? Are women scared of nipples? Should T-bone stop wearing transparent pants? Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Don't ever do a segment, and then stop doing it, if it's possible that we might have had that idea, should we have had a video format. Got it?! Glad we cleared that up. Maybe you can return the favour and clear up our confusion about the phrase, "If it's 130 yards, it's a foot!" What the hell does that mean? We discuss this for quite some time, but since we have even less of a clue than usual, it's mostless pointless. John does get humourously annoyed about George Costanza, though, so it's not a total waste of time. Let us know what you think of Paul Schaeffer by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We hope you're enjoying your sippets. We begin this week with Foody Goody, in which Luc explains that there's no such thing as Swiss cheese. If you think you've had some, you're deluding yourself. Yes, you are! Anyway, while your mind is still blown, consider this: we didn't start the fire. It was always burning. Did you know that in many French-speaking communities, French toast is called "pain perdu", which means, loosely, bread that was too proud to ask for directions? It's true. No matter what you call it, we hope you enjoy your Hungarian furry bread. If you want to tell us how many sippets you have, and whether they are inflamed, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren begins this episode with a particularly challenging edition of "Name 5 Things", asking us to name 5 statements matching the formula "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." First a negative, then a reflexive affirmative. Sounds tough! Until John points out that there's no criterion asserting that the statement makes sense. Brace yourself for some surprising insights on the interrelationships between cheese and mice, some fairly careless agreement between subject and verb, some very crunchy toast, and a few statements that are highly unlikely to become popular. If you can think of any statements that are better than ours (it shouldn't be difficult), please let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

How does this show affect our chances at a political career? Well, it doesn't help. Although I suppose we could run and lose. Or would that mean we weren't politicians? Does it matter whether you get paid to run a marathon? This is rather confusing, and to be honest, I'm not sure our podcast helps. What did you expect? Anyway, we bet you've all been wondering about CENSORED and his injured CENSORED, yes? No? Whatever. If you can give us a status update on your dickishness, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

We begin by describing what Fife is: it's a kingdom just North of the Firth of Fife. We're not making this up. How do you become a king, anyway? If you've been just waiting around for a leader, and are happy for one of us to rule as a king, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Anyway, in Sportage, Luc describes his outing on something called a chainwalk in Fife, and how it made him late for the recording because he was waiting for fish. It's a long and complicated story, and as always, it's improved by Google Images. This time, play along and we promise not to burn your eyes with disgusting images, if only because we get distracted by Warren's misuse of language. Finally, why is night vision green? Brace yourself for our answer. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin this episode with another Nature Walk, in which Warren asks us to guess what animals contributed to some unusual hybrid mammal names. Could you tell a horse from a zebra or other zebroid based only on shape? If you can, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) so we can ridicule you specifically. Then in an unusually contested Foody Goody segment, Luc explains the usage of the word pudding in Britain. The real confusion strikes when Warren asks about cheese options after meals. We discuss different parts of the cheese, the etiquette involved in eating them, and the many possible dinner arrangements involving post-main course cheesy comestibles. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

This week's title refers to a current (at the time of recording it was current) science story about a jellyfish that Warren claims is "essentially immortal". I know, you can tell it's wrong as soon as you hear that Warren's the guy reporting it, but listen anyway. There might, just maybe, be a kernel of truth in the giant pile of bullshit that streams out of Warren. And if that's true, we should all be very, very afraid, because soon the world will be covered in fucking jellyfish. Ahem. Anyway, after a brief pause to fuck with John's mind, we get back to discussing the end of humanity. Important shit, with weather-altering, drought-creating, fist-growing implications. Listen for yourself, and let us know how terrified you are by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

We begin this episode by once again coming to the rescue of a desperate information seeker, who stumbled onto our site (Google tells us) in a futile search for knowledge that we did not have, until now. How do women pee with wearing old chastity belt in the middle ages? Or did they at all? Not the new chastity belt, mind (that's easy!) ­ the old ones! We know nothing about the true answer, of course, but we don't let that stop us from discussing it at length. And Google Images teaches us all kinds of true or untrue things ­ there are even male chastity belts! It's all quite disturbing, thanks to some dude. Fucker. But at least we answered his question! One final tip: keep T-Bone away from the floral arrangements and the yellow snow. Send us pictures of your friends wearing the chastity belt of your choice by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Does a word rhyme with itself? If you think you know the answer, ask yourself about the simple math. You heard me! This is actually a complicated issue. We're talking at least 13 different definitions, here. Remember Emily Dickinson, bitch? I know, it's weak sauce, but there's a chance Warren is technically right about something, for once. Astonished? I thought you might be. Anyway, to avoid dwelling on Warren's possible correctness, we "quickly" change the subject to a "Name 5 Things" segment, in which we attempt the reverse of our last "Name 5..." porn edition: Warren will name a porno title, and we have to derive the mainstream film that is analogous to it. It turns out this is a really tough exercise (in case you hadn't guessed from our episode title). Play the game along with us, and prove your superior reverse Porn Name 5 Things skills by sending us you answers by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limit

What's the appeal of crystal meth? Is it really worth taking, just so you can experience our podcast in 3D? Probably not, for at least two reasons. Stick with the alcoholism, OK? Our Name 5 Things segment this week takes a pornographic turn when Warren asks us to derive the adult movie parody titles for several recent Hollywood films. You might think that those few minutes spent thinking of bad puns have limited appeal. Good call! But it's still fun to learn about our favourite porn genres. Spoiler alert: T-Bone knows a lot about this topic. If you wish to use any of our titles for your pornographic film (whether or not you think it will appeal to small penis fetishists), email us to discuss a suitable royalty arrangement (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: www.limitedappeal.net

OK! If you can manage to listen beyond the revolting audio apparently provided by Luc, you'll learn about another Urban Legend that answers the question, "What did people use for prophylaxis before latex was invented?" Of course the answer is a great big pile of bullshit, as usual, and all the usual disclaimers about not following the medical advice that some of us provide hold. Still, if you have tried "getting inked" and want to report on the sensation, or lack thereof, please let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). On a dubiously related topic, what the hell is with Grimace, Ronald's special purple friend? Freak. Finally, in Your Body and You, Warren asks the point of earlobes, and T-Bone knows the answer!! Well…sort of. The rest of the episode is a bit more offensive than usual. You've been warned, body-modification aficionados! Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: www.limitedappeal.net

And......continue! T-bone begins the second part of our goaty live face-to-face recording by describing his new drink in Alcoholics Says: the nogalyser. It's a bit like a paralyser, but more egg-y. Kind of similarly, we learn that disliking something is a bit like not liking it, but more offensive and/or accurate. Then in Foody Goody, Warren asks us to name 5 things that should be eaten be eaten frozen, but that are not yet typically consumed in a frozen state. If you doubt that this could be the basis for a long and drawn out discussion (including many undoubtedly million-dollar ideas for new products), you're not familiar with our podcast. Congratulations! Should you decide to listen anyway, let us know how it was for you by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: www.limitedappeal.net

Enh? Come closer! We're going on a Nature Walk to start this week, and it features all kinds of stubborn/asshole animals. The debate we have centres on whether stubborn-ness is a sign of intellect, and the relative intelligence of newborn humans and donkeys. Then, conspicuously without any transitional material of any kind, we jump to a discussion of the Google ads on our website, which we are not asking you to click on explicitly, although we certainly think you might enjoy the products made by whatever sponsor is unlucky enough to be associated with our site thanks to an accidental coincidence of keywords. Finally, in Music and Music, Warren asks about KISS's make-up. What was the point, and what kind of password issues might they have come up against? If you know the answer, let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Welcome to Series/Season 4! We have a dramatic beginning for you, sort of. At long last, you'll know who won the What am I....Who's That Bird...What am I Drinking...Who's That Word: Competitive Eating Edition. Whatever. I'm sure you're dripping with anticipation. (Some people get drippy when anticipating things, I think.) Up to five points will get awarded in the final round! And this round, they're not just words, they're questions! Are you up to the Milk Challenge? Could it involve crazy amounts of milk and gumming your mouth with crackers? Or breasts? Vomiting? Anyone? What if we fed you a nine pound cheeseburger? Would you vomit then? How about if you run the steeplechase? Would you like some Alex Trebek musak to go with your habanero peppers? Aren't they vegetables? Am I rambling with excessive questions again? Why don't you email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) and let me know? Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

It's the ultimate episode of season three, but only in the chronological sense. Our intro somehow leads us to question Stompin Tom's obvious neediness. How many law degrees, posses, discount cards or names does this guy want? Jesus. Anyway, to cheer us up Culture.ca has apparently now included us in their podcast directory after several months of considering any ultimatums (ultimata?) we may or may not have sent their way. It's still not clear whether the collapse of their webpage was a result of including us. Either way, thanks a lot, culture.ca! Expect your meat tray/fruit cake by email. And congratulations for really upping the pressure on Conan! If you downloaded this podcast via culture.ca or Conan O'Brien's website, please let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We're back! After a somewhat lengthy hiatus during which we were busy with, er, some other things, we've returned with a long-awaited next episode. Maybe someone was awaiting it. Anyone? Hello? Whatever. In this week's Foody Goody Session we feature Round 2 of our Who's That Word: Competitive Eating Edition contest. If you've forgotten during our absence, the point (yes, there is a point) is for each of the others to guess the meaning of Warren's nominated technical term from the competitive eating world. Riveting shit, let me assure you. In what other show can you get references to the Bible, Seinfeld, dropkicks, the laws of Physics, wet bread, and a reacharound all at once? Not many, I guess. I wonder why not? If you know, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

It turns out John's cat George meows on command. And sometimes, it meows just because it wants to. Do you care? I didn't think so. And who the fuck cares about a calendar about narrow boats? Did you even know about these? You will by the end of this show, whether you care to or not. Turns out, they're long, and pretty narrow. Not like a Viking boat, though. Venice style. Surprisingly narrow. Especially the modern boats, which are slightly narrower. Somehow all this talk of boats leads to Australian penis nicknames. You really should have expected as much. If you know where we can find a calendar about narrow boats or Australian penis nicknames, please let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

If you are easily offended by misogynistic questions, or perhaps even if you aren't, you might want to skip this week's episode. It centers on the latest segment of "Your Body and You", in which T-Bone requests the development of a certain litmus test that probably doesn't involve acidity. Should it involve communication, or is that, as some of us suspect, a really bad idea? Maybe a measuring device of some sort? How does one deal with the stretching? Could you start with ping-pong balls, and then work your way up? Or is that another really bad idea? Does a girl want some kind of prosthesis? Like a puppet? Or fuzzy vice? Regardless of how important this may or may not be, send us your ideas for solving this problem by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.