Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel Of Time Podcast

For our season finale of Crown of Swords, we talk about how Sammael Beefed It, Sexism on Top of Sexism, Sentient Sock Puppets, the Sexual Tension Between Rand and Moridin, Deus ex Liah, and the Ideal Short King Threesome. It's a real party.

This episode has no bones! Ha ha, no, that's just a funny joke. It's that dang gholam that's got no bones. For ch. 39-40, we also talk about a Lot of Twos, the Sorority from Hell, and the Artful Dodger Picking Olver up from Day Care.

In ch. 37-38, Robert Jordan really tries to drag us into his sexism by making his female characters the absolute worst. Embroider this on a throw pillow: "Women don't have brains; they have babies." Transcript

Isn't it nice that the Dragon Reborn can't ever be killed because he's so tall and good at swords? Anyway, ch. 35-36 are bad. We talk about Francine Herbert, Magazine Cutout Women, and MVP Darlin. Also, Viva la Revolution.  

This episode includes some upsetting noises, and we're not just talking about every time Min opens her mouth. Ch 32-34 also include: Elaida Failing Upward, Sick History, Lollipops, and the Most '90s Feminism You've Ever Seen. Transcript

This short-ish episode is brought to you by Shake Shack's Bag of Bones! For ch. 30-31, we talk about how Slapping (the Gender Inverse of Spanking), Teens in Charge, being Horny for Caligula, and Emily's Outlander Betrayal. As always, Love Wins. Transcript

Please be mindful of the content warnings: In discussing ch. 28-29, we talk about sexual assault and domestic violence. Skip this one if you need to, and we'll catch you next time! Links: South Valley Services Domestic Violence 101 Donate to South Valley Services  Power and Control Wheel 

Ch. 25-27 are not fun! They forced us to explain morality, if that tells you anything. Discussion topics include: Not Like the Other Myrddraal, Oscar Winner Rand al'Thor, Hit in the Face by a Plot Building, and the AU Where Grady's Wife Murders Mazrim Taim. Transcript  

After our week off, we're pouring one out for the late, great Gary Paulsen. May Valhalla welcome you, Gary. We also discuss ch. 22-24, including debilitating Aes Sedai fetishes, how unnecessary the Kin are, and the latent misogyny of Nynaeve and Elayne's incompetence. Transcript

Ch. 20-21 are all about cubes, cubes, cubes. We also call Sammael a Silly Little Goose, wonder where all the assassins are, and question Jordan's portrayal of one-sided loyalty in his so-called "friendships."

We're joined by long-time friend and WoT progenitor Cambria Valente to talk about ch. 18-19! Dicussion points include: Bisexual Chairs, Robot Jordan, F*cking on Broken Glass, and Berelain's Yelp Reviews. Transcript

With ch. 16-17, we wonder where all the ambassadors are, how many human years are in an Aes Sedai year, and who that mysterious note came from. Mat just tries to get a waffle. Transcript

We discuss everything about ch. 13-15. Everything: Nynaeve's Egg Complex, Dumb and Dumper Cops, the Blatant Racism in Aviendha's Point of View, Mat's Boyfriendz Group Chat, and who could forget Crunchy Munchy, the Court Jester? Transcript

Sorry, the first 20 minutes of this are just a trip to Bummer Town. But hey, that's ch. 11-12. We also talk about Halima's Headache Weave, Dastardly Men, Blackmailing the Pope, and Getting Warders a Forever Home. Transcript

Among other things, ch. 8-10 showed us how the Human Meat Grinder can be tracked directly back to Merana Losing Her Job. Other talking points include: CSI: Crecky's Garage, Daddy Satan, and the Forsaken Softball Competition. Transcript

Chapters 6-7 force us to ask a lot of questions: Is Aram trying to "Single White Woman" Perrin? What is Rand's third errand? Why is he the human embodiment of a c*ck block? Does he really think the Asha'man (and Mat) are just glorified pigeons?

Our coverage of ch. 3-5 is day-old and stale, like the croissants paving the streets of Fantasy France. Due to an Audacity tragedy, we'll never have a joke as good as "I Went Through the Human Meat Grinder, and All I Got Was This T-Shirt" again, but we do our best. Transcript 

The first two chapters of Crown of Swords are pretty, well ... bad. We discuss Rand and Perrin's inability to make different decisions, the Aragorn Filter, Paul Bettany's Bum, the Magical Honor System, and Rand's Gender-Neutral Pervert Radar. Transcript

The CoS prologue is dense, and so is this episode. We talk about the Hubris of Towers, the Fisher King, RJ's oblique references to "The Vileness," Gawyn's Telescope, the Anti-Balwer, and Little Popes. Transcript

We're back and reading the Crown of Swords! By way of introduction, we talk about Ghost Horses, Throwing Tropes at the Wall, Lady Saruman, the Magic People Saturation Point, Darrell K. Sweet's Sensory Deprivation Chamber, and an ... unsettling Lews Therin casting. Transcript