If Not Now, When?

A look back on my activities of the last few months and how they relate to the direction of the podcast. The confidence title is taken from the lyrics of rapper, Lil Wayne's Rebirth album, appropriately titled-- especially in light of the changes I've been making in my own life. I also reference a recent experience with racial terrorism and how we show up for each other in the aftermath of these kinds of awful events.

A look at how I arrived at my understanding of what love is based on mixed messages from a dysfunctional childhood and conflicting definitions via entertainment media. I admit to some feelings of entitlement due in part to my initial anger as a victim of abuse and the habitual thoughts inspired by those feelings. Finally, how an aging, oft-incontinent dog became my love-teacher.   onbecomingmaria.blog  

I am beginning to go a little deeper with self-reckoning. Referencing the last episode: sure, I was triggered in my book research recently, but what was it about? I discuss what it was that sent me back to therapy last week. I talk about my carefree days as a young reporter and how my reporter attitude has changed now that I am having to do research as a middle-aged woman. My embarrassed surprise at having to deal with the L-word.

Exploring the triggers I have been facing on this podcasting and writing journey. Realizing how my own codependent tendencies run parallel with the larger collective malaise: a largely codependent society which enables a patriarchy.    onbecomingmaria.blog

Inside the patriarchy I thought I had the wrong body, wrong skin color and wrong gender. Nope! It's the patriarchy that has had it wrong all along about so many of us.   onbecomingmaria.blog

How scary it feels to begin to come out from behind all the different masks I have spent my entire life (so far) wearing. Picking up where I left off from the last episode about calling myself on the bullsh*t. Learning how much more vulnerable I feel as a personal journaler through podcasting versus blogging. How does one show up as their Truest Self when one is so practiced at hiding in a world which encourages false and partial personas? Realizing that authentic living is easier said than done. As I attempt to daily embody my truths, and allow my Essence to show, I confess to not knowing exactly how to go about it. Even among my own ethnic group I am seeing the masks we sometimes wear with each other.

Taking a closer look at some of my motivations, especially as it relates to the latest post on my blog. I discuss the work of soul-searching, disclosing my dismay over being unable to turn back now that it's begun. A look at shadow work, which is used as a guiding technique and principle by some spiritual coaches and therapists. I'm also sharing about my social awkwardness, offering specific examples of recent interactions with women from my life. My continuing AA 12-step work. How we project onto each other as a way to avoid seeing the unappealing parts of our own personas. How many of us, who are black, wear masks as a way to cope with situations we feel powerless over in our American culture. onbecomingmaria.blog

Is social media an excellent way to help us flourish or is it poisoning our minds against self-expression? What does it mean to be social? Some of us are good at being social and others (like me) are sometimes awkward. How can we show up as our truest self in the busy, fast-paced and noisy world of social media.

Realizing what my purpose is in these solocasts, not only as host, but also as writer and researcher of friendship stories among black women. Seeing myself as the writer and occasional subject of the stories I have researched. I also talk about the movie, Black Panther and why its story means so much to black people. A few movies spoilers are shared.

Taking a step back and looking at this podcast journey so far. Exploring my lessons learned and announcing the impetus for this new direction. No more plugging and/or promoting of the show. I'm taking a page out of my blogging style and allowing my heart to guide me. I realize that I am seriously deviating even further from the usual podcasting format and that I may fall on my face here, but in the interest of being true to my authenticity, I am willing to take the risk. 

Unscripted and plenty of potty mouth. In this episode I am letting my hair down and sharing my favorite quotes from Jen Sincero's book, You Are A Badass. Sometimes I get so caught up in life's daily routines, I forget that I am in fact, a woman with her own unique talents and inimitable style. A show to remind us all just how badass we can be when we remember who we are.

Now that I've announced the podcast on my blog, I'm left with the triggered old feelings of waiting and wondering. I confess to feeling a little foolish about continuing along the podcasting road. I explore the discomfort of pursuing new ventures and adjusting to change. 

Talking in the last episode about quitting the podcast really stirred up my fears and insecurities. In this episode I tell how I stood up to the negative voices of my mind and chased them away. And I discover how therapeutic shadow boxing to the tune of a kick-a$$ song can be.

A look at a recent moment of uncertainty during this podcasting journey. My confession about feeling in over my head as a newbie to the podcasting arena. Talking myself through the cons versus zero pros for continuing.

After quitting my job in middle-age to become a full-time writer, I really struggled with actually calling myself a writer. This is the journey of how I finally learned to see myself as the writer and creative I was born to be.

Confessing my apologetic affliction to the world. I'm not proud of it but I also refuse to shrink from it any longer. I think it's time others understand and discuss the often painful root of an apologetic demeanor.

Learning the difference between the two. One is inspired by fear, while the other is inspired by faith. How I learned to understand the difference and apply it to my daily life. How being a black woman in America complicated my feelings, self-esteem and perspective. A nod to Black History Month.

Arriving in mid-life only to discover, you've been pretending for decades to be someone you're not. And to make matters worse, you pretended for so long, you've lost track of who you really are. This episode is about my journey in uncovering my authentic self. 

What is If Not Now, When? Here is a brief description of the inspiration behind the podcast, how I decided on the name, and what I hope to achieve by sharing my journey.