Smash Fiction

Son of a...really, magic? Really? All we were trying to do was cast a simple spell to create a podcast episode where two bumbling, no-talent magicians square off in a contest of raw incompetence. But damn, we must have gotten something wrong, because this episode is way too competitive and full of sex jokes, not at all the light-hearted romp we were going for. Oh well. Maybe no one will notice... Anyway, after years of enjoying a total dearth of animated brooms dancing around and flooding his workspace, celebrated Disney sorcerer Yen Sid is finally ready to take on another apprentice. The only problem is, he has two apprentices. The Orko kid seems to have all kinds of raw magic ability, but also a disturbing lack of skill, focus, or a voice that doesn't grate down Yen Sid's spine. And Rincewind...well, he claims to be a "wizzard" already, and he's quick on his feet, but he's also the unluckiest, most thoroughly non-magical individual Yen Sid has ever encountered. The sorcerer is a patient man, but a busy one,

The final showdown between the League and Demona has arrived, with the Power of Grayskull hanging in the balance! Can Helena's newfound might help the heroes to stand against Demona and her army of weirdly-themed villains? Who will become the new Sorceress of Grayskull? And what ever happened to those other five characters that were standing guard at Castle Grayskull, anyway? Stitch takes on an army; Mordin puts his newest invention to the test; Dante loses something important; Nico has an unexpected reunion; and Helena fights for honor. Also used in this episode is "Killers" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2017. The original description follows: Welcome to another bonus episode featuring your favorite curmudgeonly Smash Fiction host ranting about something he hates! This time around, you folks voted for something that most other people hate, too--the Star Wars prequels. Dan Mulkerin joins me for a discussion on all things that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, with emphasis on how, why, and to what degree Episodes 1-3 sucked. From Jesus analogues to death by loss of willpower to inexplicable hostility toward sand, the prequels don't stand a chance against us. After all, we have the high ground. -Miles

With a mind-melting 100 episodes in the can, it's once again time for Smash Fiction's season finale, the Smash Bash Championship! All six hosts join forces yet again, this time to draft teams of five Season 2 victors. These teams will then be tested in the Lightning Gauntlet -- no fewer than SIX ridiculous Lightning Rounds in a row! The winners of these Lightning Rounds will go on to compete in the Ultimate Smashdown, a final fight to determine the new Smash Fiction champion! Who will assume the throne? Who will be found wanting? How long can we possibly sustain this amount of bullshit? Incidentally, given the fact that you all somehow allowed us to reach 100 episodes, the answer to that last question appears to be "pretty damn long."

100 episodes. Holy shit. We don't entirely know how this happened, but we do know that it wouldn't have happened without all of you. So thank you, from the bottom of all our cockles, and as a small token of our appreciation, please enjoy 80 whole minutes of the six regular Smash Fiction hosts going completely fucking insane, in their own unique ways. You don't actually need to have seen Lord of War, Gone In 60 Seconds, Deadfall, Bangkok Dangerous, or G-Force. You just need love (and Nicolas Cage) in your heart. And deep down inside, everyone has that. Welcome to Cage Match 3... ...and Merry Cagemas!

Question: For about an hour, why was the Fire Princess' kingdom Armageddon? Answer: THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT! Four fire-themed characters turn up the heat on one another and the advocates deliver some burns of their own in an appropriately aggressive elemental contest. Will Zuko's fire-bending and general moodiness make him a Smash Fiction avatar? Will Kit's tendency to get SUPER close to the mic when she's angry help her defend her beloved Roy Mustang? Will Chandra Nalaar use her interplanar wizardry and her incredible collection of quotes to burn her enemies to ash? Or will Miles' love of the New Warriors and unending supply of bullshit comic book science allow him to unleash Firestar's true power? Also, MeganBob is the least judgmental judge of all time, Kit reviews Full Metal Alchemist in both manga and anime form, and Miles steadfastly refuses to learn anything about the actual story of Magic: The Gathering.

With another Star Wars movie upon us, the Smash Fiction crew Force-leaps back into the world of magic mind bullets and dueling space priests, a place where lightsabers clash, lightning flies, and red laser shields turn on and off for, like, no reason! A long time ago (though definitely in the same galaxy) we battled to determine the most powerful lord of the Sith. At some point in our grimy, intricately lived-in future, we will determine the worthiest of the Jedi Masters. But now, in Smash Fiction's personal Empire Strikes Back, we dive into the Expanded Universe like a one-handed farm boy falling out of a space station to decide whether Revan, the most notable Knight of the Old Republic, or Galen "Starkiller" Marek and his tendency toward unleashing the Force, is the greatest of the "gray" Jedi -- those whose hearts and minds have been touched by both the darkness and the light. Neal Butler returns to fulfill his destiny, that being to answer questions such as: Which of these competitors will prove themselve

It's a dark time for our heroes as the traitorous Demona has claimed the Power of Grayskull! Unable to face her and her forces directly, the League is forced to resort to sneakier, subtler, and smarter tactics--and if there's one thing we've learned about this group of heroes, it's that they're great at showing restraint and good judgment! Right? ...right? Mordin develops a new persona; Stitch brings the house down; Nico becomes a real SJW (social justice wizard); Dante wrestles a gorilla; Helena finds honor worth fighting for; and the group is joined by an unexpected ally.

Oh, what an episode! What a lovely episode! When Furiosa, the most feared and respected Imperator of post-apocalyptic Australia suddenly escapes with Immortan Joe's wives, she expected at least a few of them to follow her tire tracks across the Outback. Fortunately, they're unable to do that, because one of the Citadel's prisoners, a mysterious blonde woman in a yellow jumpsuit, has taken advantage of the chaos created by Furiosa's escape to murder literally everyone with her bad-ass katana. Unfortunately, this MPAA-defying murder machine was originally captured by Furiosa herself, and has a knack for holding a grudge. Before long, Beatrix Kiddo has acquired a blood-stained motorcycle and taken off after the War Rig, determined to cross one last name off her list. Will the Citadel's most wanted pull the trigger on another astounding sniper shot, make her escape, and find her redemption? Or will the infamous Black Mamba track down her prey on the Fury Road and fulfill her promise to Kill...Furiosa? Note: Miles

Hey kids, it's time for another zany Sunday morning episode of Smash Fiction, starring your wholesome, ratings-friendly host, Hedonismbot! This week, the immensely positive role model that is this golden monument to robotic indulgence has captured two other characters and is demanding that they fight in his Romanesque arena, before a crowd of cheering fans, that the combat might slake his boredom for a few microseconds. Brought to you by Ovaltine! Of course, this isn't a fight to the death -- we have sponsors to bend over backwards to not offend, after all. Instead, the winner of this battle will be the participant who puts on the best show and gives the crowd the most entertainment. Will legendary toon television star Roger Rabbit pick himself up yet again and demonstrate the true power of laughter? Or will the high-powered, Loki-infested superhero known as The Mask prove that, no matter how many times he asks, nobody will, in fact, stop him? Also in this episode: More references to Looney Tunes and the Mar

This episode originally aired on Patreon as a public bonus episode in November 2017. The original description follows: Since we try to keep our episodes around an hour long, sometimes Miles has to leave a lot of side talk on the cutting room floor. But sometimes that side talk is just a little too...flavorful. Enjoy this free-for-all pre-show bonus snippet from our Thor/Wonder Woman episode, but beware. It's a little spicy.

By the unlikely beard of Sappho! Thanks to the machinations of that fiendish trickster, Loki, the Smash Fiction Podcast must now engage in a contest of divinity that not even Claire can escape! Thor Odinson, God of Thunder and Prince of Asgard, and Diana, Goddess of War and Princess of Themyscira, each believe the other to be a nigh-unstoppable villain, and with a written sound effect that jumps right off the page, they come together in a whirling maelstrom of impossible physics. Will Thor once again prove himself worthy of the mighty hammer, Mjolnir, by using it to vanquish one of the DC Universe's most powerful? Or will Wonder Woman once again demonstrate that neither man, nor marvel, nor god is a match for the greatest warrior among the amazons? Matias Tautimez joins the show for some super-powered math calculations, a strange, tingling feeling of consensus falls upon the lightning round, and Miles gently suggests that you kids get the hell off his lawn.

With the memory of their harrowing escape from Nexus City still fresh in their minds, the League decides to take some well-deserved downtime in Castle Grayskull. But it turns out that even extremely well-fortified magical sanctuaries aren't completely impervious, and when an old friend and a new enemy set their sights on the Power of Grayskull, the League will have to step up to defend it... or die trying. Nico gets lost in her reading; Mordin seeks to do the impossible three times over; Stitch finds some loose change; Helena introduces herself with cake; and Dante sounds huskier than ever.

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for October 2017. The original description follows: Hey folks. This month our bonus content is gonna be part of a possible series that I'm calling "Itchy Brains," where for once in our miserable lives, we yell a little less and think a little more. Each episode, we address some sort of concept in creativity by discussing how it has been applied for good or for ill in your favorite art, then guess what! We also talk about how the principles that we discuss can be used when you make works of art of your own. This time, me and Dan and Kit are talking about "Unanswered Questions" through the examples of Steven Universe and Shadow of the Colossus. Why are there five gems on that door? What's a Dormin? What am gem? Why eating lizards make climb good? WARNING: If you listen to this episode, you'll never have an excuse to write terrible exposition again! Let us know what you think and if you're interested in hearing more! -Claire

Smashtoberfest '17 comes to an explosive end in the second of our episodes that could realistically be titled "#YesAllDraculas!" The Count Dracula from Bram Stoker's most famous work has been killed, leaving a dangerous instability in the Dracuverse. The position of Dracula Prime must be filled, and several alternatives arrive. One Dracula! Two Draculas! Three Draculas! FOUR DRACULAS! Ah ah ah! Which lord of vampires will defeat his opponents and ascend to the rightful ruler of Transylvania? Will Castlevania's Dracula develop a strategy beyond teleporting and throwing fireballs? Can Marvel's Dracula use spacecraft, death rays, and the Internet to eliminate the competition? How will the movie Van Helsing's Dracula leverage his swarm of gross, flying rat-babies? And what in the name of Lion Jesus is Dracula: Dead and Loving It's Dracula doing here?! Once again, thanks to Kevin MacCleod for use of his songs "Come Play With Me" and "Digital Bark."

In the third installment of Smashtoberfest 2017, a certain ragged group of zombie apocalypse survivors hanging out in Georgia have officially seen just about all they care to see of the walking dead, especially now that winter is coming, and with it, rumors of some new kind of "ice zombies." Fortunately, they've received intelligence that somewhere in the frozen north, in a place that may or may not be Canada, lies a hidden cache of weapons, primarily swords and knives, made from a metal that could turn the tide in the group's quest for survival. If there are more deposits of this "Valyrian steel" in the area, it might even be worth moving up there, despite the cold of the season. But Rick and the gang aren't completely stupid. Before anyone starts packing, they need someone to drive up there, scout the area, find the metal, and figure out if it's as effective as the rumors say. Of course, there will be walkers everywhere. As it turns out, more than one kind. For a mission this dangerous, there's only one log

Jinkies, gang! Some really strange stuff has been happening over at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. Apparently the lovable animatronic animals have been walking around on their own, appearing suddenly in doorways while the Toreador March plays, and scaring the shit out of people before horribly murdering them. Looks like we've got a mystery on our hands! Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby-Doo are determined to figure out what, exactly, is going on inside Freddy's, and they'll have five nights to do so using security cameras, an unreliable electrical system, and of course, the power of friendship. But Freddy, Bonnie, Chica and Foxy aren't exactly harmless children's entertainers. Can the Scooby Gang pull the mask off this mystery, no doubt revealing it the be the mundane scheme of a local elderly person? Or will Freddy and his friends put a premature end to the gang's investigative career...and start training them in their new jobs as corpses slowly rotting inside robotic animal suits? Once again, thanks to Kevin

Smashtoberfest is upon us once again, and we're kicking things off with a contest between two Stephen King villains -- specifically, two Stephen King villains who were brought to life by transcendent film portrayals! The Shining's Jack Torrance, fresh off his recent stint of axe redrum fueled by writer's block and hotel ghosts, is freezing to death in the snow when he is miraculously rescued by one of his biggest fans, serial killer Annie Wilkes of Misery! With his legs crippled from frostbite and a psychopath demanding he write her a novel without the use of the letter N, can Jack find a way to escape Annie's cabin and live to drink again with dead people? Or will Annie break his spirit (along with his ankles) and dispatch him before he sees the first printing of his brand new, curse-word-free book? Also, we somehow manage to make an episode that seems to be legitimately scaring Liz Logan, but that simultaneously contains all the Treehouse of Horror references. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Special thanks to Kevin M

Well, looks like Team Ohana finally got themselves a nice, shiny trophy with its nice, shiny gem! Guess they can just lean back and relax now, right? ...oh wait, there's a giant Phyrexian invasion headed their way. I'm sure it'll be fine. They have all the warriors from the Nexus Tournament on their side, plus a bunch of other Extraordinary League members joining them. What could Phyrexia POSSIBLY have up their sleeve that could prove a threat to them? ...wait, what the hell is THAT?! Dante meets his brothers in (bare) arms; Archer strengthens his Bonds; Stitch executes his most impressive throw yet; Mordin takes to the skies; Luna just wants to go to the zoo; and one of the characters won't make it out of Nexus City alive. Special thanks to Objectivist Guitarist for this episode's awesome battle music! Check out his work at youtube.com/objectivistguitarist.

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for September 2017. The original description follows: Oh man, where to start with this bizarre song. As decided by many of you, I was tasked with writing a song about Dante's aversion to clothing. Honestly, I couldn't have been happier, so good job! In League, Dante really likes to tear his clothes off. I don't know how or why I came up with this character convention but it happened for better or worse. It's worked so far in game so it's probably here to stay. Anyways, for the lyrics, I had to incorporate some fun events where the clothes tearing actually worked (sort of). During the fight with Dracula, Dante tore off his clothes and successfully stole his cape! During the League's stay in Westeros, there was a "romantic" rendezvous between Dante and Mordin, which, you guessed it! Involved Dante striking a bare ass pose. For the music, I knew I had to do something strange. For the intro, I tried to emulate Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" because I fig