First Timers

Evie wants to play chicken with oncoming traffic and Max wants to play bull in a china shop at Ikea, but their mean mommies prevent their delinquency. Meanwhile, Angie plans Max’s Halloween costumes for the next decade and Julie negotiates with an increasingly deceitful toddler.

Angie gets a taste of life with two kids while Julie wishes she’d paid more attention in high school math class. The moms contemplate how they are like—and not like—their own moms.

Julie cringes at her own “lick and wipe” faux pas; Angie makes then quickly breaks a rule. Plus: roadside pumpkin patches and diaper changing challenges, including, but not limited to, unruly poop balls.

Evie’s and Max’s changing nap schedules make the kids cranky and moms on edge.  Despite her best efforts at a non-medicated vaginal birth, guest Sarah sobs her way through C-section number one and grits her teeth through number two. Please forgive any audio glitches in this episode. We’ll be switching programs, and hopefully eliminating all audio issues, next week. Thanks for bearing with us!

Angie recalls counting the hours between tears and the pretzel that broke the camel’s back, while Julie explains how the monotony of early motherhood made her morose. In happy news, Angie’s stolen stroller miraculously reappears and Julie’s closet ghost proves friendly. Both moms have no clue that something was happening with the audio while recording this episode, so they'd like to apologize for the crackling sound!  If you’re struggling with PPD or PPA, visit PostPartum.net for help!

Angie wonders if Max is a superhero when he’s unfazed by shots and snips. Julie’s first vaccination experience quickly leads to her second. Both ladies face and overcome crises this week, but only one emerges with a souvenir. 

Julie has some news that inspires a chat on pregnancy woes, including a “kicking baby” diagnosis. Angie’s six-week appointment leaves a lasting infection; Julie wants to punch the male doctor with zero bedside manner who tells her to resume sexual relations.

Both kids reject their smash cakes, though Evie’s rebuff was justifiable. Angie advises to always take the family photo before the party. Meanwhile, Max fat shames Angie and Julie worries about her toddler’s 98% mac n cheese diet.  

Julie’s husband excels at swaddling, while Angie’s man is the master of making Max laugh. When Max won’t sleep, Angie enters, and then quickly exits, the Pack ‘N Play. Julie, meanwhile, tries to understand Evie, who has picked up Spanish.

Katie Ward—actress, writer and host of The Enthusiasm Enthusiast podcast—joins the moms to discuss Angie’s B.O., child-sized harps, mediocre horses and a literal lump in the throat. Plus, a game of gastrointestinal “Would You Rather?” Check out Katie's podcast at: https://theenthusiasmenthusiast.com September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month. Visit the American Cancer Society or ThyCa to learn about risk factors, symptoms, treatment, support and more.

Comedian, writer and mom of two Julia Cohen visits the closet to explain how not to move and why her husband sleeps in a big girl bed. Angie advocates “submarine parenting” while Julie wonders how to deal with her toddler’s vindictive licking. Learn more about Julia at http://julialillis.com  

Max uses his friend’s hair for leverage. Evie takes out a toddler via swing. Other topics include auto-flush toilets, kids on leash and gas station apples. As a special bonus, Angie dedicates a song to her long lost cousin. 

When her baby’s well being is threatened, Angie screams expletives and Julie turns cold-blooded bug killer. Angie contemplates stealing Julie’s identity, but Julie is not concerned because, as she explains, thoughts don’t mean anything

The mom friend expectations are high, but the results are low when both Angie and Julie get rejected. Also, did you know that children as young as two know to blame bodily functions on the dog?

Max almost OD’s on applesauce while Angie is out of town. Evie loves taiko drumming; Evie’s dog not so much. The moms finally succeed—accidentally and skeptically—in getting their infants to fall asleep without parental intervention.

Angie faces a major crisis when she has only one baby wipe to clean an epic blow out. Oddly enough, the incident is low on her personal “grossest baby moments” list. Julie opts to toss poop-covered clothing, while her friend wraps her infant in plastic. Most importantly, Angie recites poignant poetry from her teen years.        

Angie finds herself stuck between a rock and a hard poop while Nurse Lupe saves Julie from a bowel-related panic attack. Plus, Evie slacks on at-home potty use and Angie’s fake husband slacks on at-pool childcare. 

The moms hope the opening to this episode doesn’t inspire the first First-Timers-related suicide. Angie cries over an Egg McMuffin when leaving Max, who joins a church band. Julie enjoys (bad) food and fun in a festive atmosphere. 

Mom of three and soon-to-be parenting author Annmarie Kelly-Harbaugh joins Angie and Julie to discuss the wedding she never attended, the Bob’s Big Boy job she never received payment for and the Oscar speech she never watched. All three moms agree that sleep trumps hygiene. Learn more about Annmarie and her book at www.dadvmom.com  

Can your baby die from laughing? The moms say “no,” but since Angie minored in jazz hands and Julie calls raspberries “belly farts,” it’s probably best to ask your pediatrician. More importantly, Talenti cookie dough needs more cookie dough.