Limited Appeal

Pour yourself a drink and get ready for this morning's episode. We start by promoting sandwich meat awareness in this week's Foody Goody. Warren wants a single term to describe a pre-sliced unit of lunchmeat. He has a lot of time on his hands. And so do we, I guess. In fact, you're listening to this crap, so YOU have a lot of time on your hands, too! Congratulations. Anyway, since you apparently have tons of free time, you might want to listen to last week's episode, "Meat mountain of badness" to make sense of some of this conversation. It won't make a lot of sense, but perhaps some. Anyway, all of this talk of edible animal trimmings leads Warren to ask about Haggis, on which Luc is not really an expert. If you would like to develop our idea for specialty haggises for nicotine addicts, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

You may wish to follow Warren's lead and try to eject early. As it turns out, all kinds of crazy shit happens at Warren's workplace, especially in the elevator. Now, now, don't get any perverse ideas. Those things may happen, but Warren apparently finds them to be perfectly normal compared to the questions he fields from strangers and the pubes he finds on his soap. If you have suggestions for how Warren should have responded to the elevator interview, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). We somehow segue into a discussion of dentists, their names, and their boobs, and we close with T-bone's first rule of reflexology. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren begins this week's episode with a complaint about the Snuggle Bear, spokes-animal for Snuggle Fabric softener. Either he's a real dick, or Warren has a low threshold for assholeishness. Anyway, we spend some time poking holes in the logic behind the ad campaign, and T-bone wonders if the Snuggle Bear is a pervert. What kind of guy uses fabric softener? We actually don't know. What happens if you don't use any form of fabric softener? Does that make your clothes sharp and glasslike? Then in a Nature Walk Luc suggests that it's a good thing women can't store sperm like insects, and T-bone learns why insemination in insects is like a video game. If you can store or sort sperm in your cheeks or anywhere else, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

The intro might make more sense if it came at the end of the episode. But then it wouldn't be an intro, I guess. Anyway, you'll figure out if you can be bothered. And if not, never mind, because we'll distract you by discussing the feats of a Nova Scotian mythical hero. If you think you know why Glooscap is famous, you're probably wrong. Then in Dictionary Plus Warren asks where the phrase "tit for tat" comes from. This leads us to address the long-unanswered question: what do a baloney sandwich and a hamster have in common? Survey your friends and see if anyone can come up with a better solution. If you find one, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

T-bone starts by suggesting a hair-based exfoliant, before Warren warns everyone about how sharp hair can be (especially the pointy end), based on the story of a Nova Scotian hairdresser who contracted a nasty infection because forgot to wear the appropriate safety equipment. You've been warned! Then Warren relates a (censored) story about how a lunchtime conversation with his boss about Popeye's Chicken (Warren has a very boring job) turned into a conversation about a perverted email sex video featuring a naked headstand and a carton of milk. That's probably as much as you really want to know, but we discuss it at length anyway to fulfil our promise of having limited appeal. If you understand this video or participated in filming it, please do not email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start by helping out another frustrated internet searcher who for some reason stumbled onto our website after googling "the sexy girl machines". Of course our website had no information on this, until now. Much of our discussion is focused on the use of a definite article in his search phrase, which is probably not what the dude was bargaining for. Anyway, T-bone quickly rescues the segment by telling us about his one-time girlfriend's fondness for sitting on the clothes dryer. You SHOULD be intrigued. Then in Urban Legend, Warren describes how The Flintstones was based on a true story, supported by "overwhelming archaeological evidence". Turns out the fact that they wrote stuff on stone tablets means there's a treasure trove of artefacts with which we can learn about our past. Sigh. If you have questions about Warren's methods of attribution, or wish to electronically punch him in the neck, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recor

Look, we're busy. And last year's episode was no worse than most, so you can just calm down and listen again. Or not. If you were expecting something new, well, this is what you get. Tune in after the holidays for a brand new episode, but in the meantime, Merry Tedmas! During this holy time of peace, giving and family, we bring to you tidings of great joy, and ask age-old questions about why angels have trees in their asses. And some other things. Then we discuss the pros and cons of the Santa Claus myth. If you want to ask T-bone how Sex was personified as a character during his upbringing, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Then Luc reveals the frightening, sinister side of Santa who might stuff you into a big sack and carry you away. Are you scared, bitch? Sticking with the theme, in ETWTF we ask how one might explain Santa (or Ted) to aliens. Merry Tedmas, everyone!

T-bone introduces his favourite new shooter girl, Taylor. Warning: what follows is stereotypically sexist banter. If you were expecting anything else, well, you know the motto. Anyhoo, turns out Taylor managed to convince T-bone that she is not very bright despite outwitting him in an argument. Then, at long last, we discuss how much should boobs cost. We know about as much about plastic surgery as we do about anything else. Then, in Foody Goody, we feature the 4th in our series of "What am I Eating" segments. As usual, you won't be able to hear any audio cues, but play along anyway. To suggest better versions or our terrible contest, please email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). We probably won't listen, but email us anyway. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

In a Limited Appeal first, we spend the entire episode this week dealing with our mail sack, overflowing with a single mail from Louie Lawent, author of "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)." He has suggested that we feature snippets from his book on our show, so we do. Are people really like radio songs? If you've also wondered this, could you please fucking explain it to me, because I don't get it. I'm not sure if our conversation will provide Louie with the kind of "boost" he is after; judge for yourself whether our promo credentials are well justified. If you have a book you would like us to promote, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) containing a few quotations of your choosing, and we promise that we may or may not read and/or deride it and/or suggest more toastlike versions of it in an episode. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren's Urban Legend this week, in keeping with the pattern for this segment of being total horseshit, is that skunk spray was formerly used to keep women virginal before chastity belts were invented. Where the spray was applied is a matter of debate, but Warren insists that it was used in the most offensive way possible. What sound does a spraying skunk make after its scent gland has been removed? Listen and find out. And if you can still manage to maintain an erection despite having been neutered, let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start with a good idea/bad idea segment in which we evaluate an advertising campaign for soap featuring loose pubic hair. Naturally, we wonder why Old Spice wants us to scrub away all our pubic hairs, especially if we're sharing a shower with a big hairy dude, or perhaps even with a small seemingly hairless woman, like the kind T-bone dates. In the second half, we discuss variations on soap involving food and corpses. Intrigued? Would you like to have your friends and family infusing you with pubes after you die? How come? Let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start this week in style by risking massive litigation. If you're confused, see episode Brown Toothpaste. Then Warren tells yet another story about his very strange workplace. It involves a questionable segue between a story about cruelty to squirrels and a considerably darker story we can't even describe because it's way too disturbing. Aren't you glad you don't work with Warren and his colleagues? Me too. Thankfully, Warren rescues us from the utterly disgusting by bringing up autofellatio. Then we try to name five things people can't be allergic to. Think it's easy? Then you haven't appreciated the finer philosophical points inherent in the question. Allow us to enlighten you. If you wish to thank us for being so illuminating, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Which Sesame Street characters had their shit together, do you think? And which ones always got duped? If you don't know, we'll tell you. And use this excellent excuse for playing Snuffy's song. La la la, la la la la! Then Luc asks whether dogs suffer ring-sting echo. Listen for the full explanation, but be warned that the subject matter is as lowbrow as you think, or possibly even lower. For example, an on-topic question related to this conversation: "Imagine how bad your piss would taste if you're eating coal!" My guess is this is not a common topic in your average podcast. Yet another niche exploited by Limited Appeal. If you know of any other obscure topics that deserve our thorough treatment, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

What if everyone, all at the same time, got bitten by an animal? Make sure you don't fall into the trap of taxonomic bias – an animal can be something that's not a plant or fungus or prokaryote. If you follow this logic through, you'll realize that there was probably a moment in history when everyone actually was bitten by something. Don't believe us? Check your eyebrows. When you're finished, Warren will provide you with another urban legend on the origin of the plumber's snake. It's harder to believe than the fact that everyone was bitten at the same time at some point in the middle ages. If you feel a sharp pang in the back of your neck, and you have neither a mullet nor any scalp mites, it's probably Warren's bullshit story giving you a headache. Email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) if you want to complain. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

This week's episode kicks off with a Nature Walk, in which Warren announces the limited circumstances in which cows dream. Unpredictably, this eventually leads to poo talk, and Luc explains a recent (real) experiment he conducted that featured cow patties. Can you guess who ruined the poo experiment? You may or may not be surprised. If you are interested in a career in cow poo science, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start with John taking his turn at hosting "What am I eating?". Listen very carefully, because there's always a chance he might "reward himself", so to speak. Play along with your friends and try to guess what he's eating in spite of the lack of audio clues. You can't possibly do any worse than T-bone, even if you don't have KY all over your hands. After T-bone cleans himself up, Warren asks why the seven deadly sins are not properly covered in the Ten Commandments, and issues another (terrible) ultimatum. Somehow the lesson from our banter is that actors should refrain from morally objectionable roles. I know, it's bullshit. Tell us why you think so via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

After a suspenseful delay, we finally continue our fascinating (to some?) discussion of pudding. If you've had enough pudding already, skip ahead to 4:00. If you missed the last episode, you may want to start with that one first. We'll wait. Go on! Right. Now that you're finally back (Jesus!), you can start by hearing John's (perhaps predictably) angry reaction to the existence of lava molecules. Then Luc reaffirms that pudding (or puddinging) should be a verb. Why? Maybe we need more words with a double i-n-g. Or maybe not. Finally, we break down and look some shit up, and the results are mind-blowing. If your world has also been rocked by our etymological discussions, let us know with an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin this week by discussing the parameters of pudding in Foody Goody. Turns out having glass shards is no obstacle to being pudding, but being sliced is. If you're confused by this because you grew up outside North America, this segment won't help. What if you put lava into pudding? What if there's enough pudding to cool the lava? Just as we get going with the metaphysical implications of this, we need to break – stay tuned for pudding part 2 next week! Email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start with Luc trying to interpret the phrase "Actually kicking the shit out of them." Fair warning: this discussion involves poop. Then, in Name Five Things, Warren asks us to list candidates for replacing the suits in a deck of cards. Once again we will amaze you with our thing-naming capacity. Really. Or by our revelations on the future of cards. Or maybe with how long it takes us to come up with five things. Whatever. It doesn't matter – I made a point. Finally, Warren announces "Moot Point" day, even though it will have already passed by the time this episode airs. Tell us how you celebrated via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren begins by describing the experience of listening to the worst song he has ever heard: "I've got my mind set on you", by George Harrison. But since Weird Al spoofed it, it couldn't have been that bad. Too bad Weird Al can't count. Dumbass. At least we get to play some new transition music, and hope he doesn't sue us. Then we reach back into the mailsack, where someone left a comment via our myspace page. Is "bitch" a gender-specific word? Tell us what you bastards think by sending us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.