Idle Thumbs

Our attention is split three ways this week, all thanks to Anno 2205. Jake sits in his island city patiently awaiting the new Super Mario Maker update. Nick spends his time on the moon, never sleeping, launching missiles until there's nothing left to nuke. Spaff sits alone in the arctic, huddled for warmth. Meanwhile, buried deep beneath the earth in a recently unearthed fortress of his own design, Chris sits down in a barber chair. "Give me an Erich Schaefer," he says. His barber knows exactly what he means.

Mister Neighbor has something great in store for you this week, once he's changed into some comfortable shoes. All he has to do is walk out of frame and suddenly you're somewhere new. You hope Mister Neighbor takes you to the factory to show you how the machines put together your favorite things, but it could be anywhere. Maybe you're on a spaceship, traveling from port to port trying to broadside a merchant ship. Maybe you're still falling down that infinite pit of blackness you find you return to in quiet moments. Maybe you're on hold forever with technical support. When you tell your mom about Mister Neighbor, she looks concerned, and tells you that's not his name.

When walking through a place you've walked many times before, you see a small hole in the ground, decide to climb in, and now you're falling forever and ever and ever, unable to stop, unable to return to the life you had before you found the hole. This is the video game Downwell and this is Chris Remo's life after finding the video game Downwell. Elsewhere, Nick Breckon has gained control of an aircraft carrier.

Not so long ago, on a night not unlike this very night, the people braved the sewers of rats, donned their nice masks, and celebrated the first Dishonored Halloween. You should have been there. Now, three years later, Dishonored Halloween's gone corporate—a sold-out shell of itself that's not even about the same things.

Using this custom-built glimmering console of knobs and sliders, we have calibrated the podcast to be perfectly suited to your taste. The sliders have also been tuned to provide you with incredibly fat bass, a catchy counter-melody, and a breathtaking view. The view initially featured twelve cavemen stabbing a mammoth to death with a bunch of spears, and some possible hints at greater lore, but we turned that off with one of the knobs.

An era ends as we say goodbye to Danielle "Junior Mints" Riendeau, who is off to New York for love and (somehow) lower rent. We are saying goodbye to Danielle in three ways: by talking about the new Cities Skylines expansion and its improved offerings in poop flow management, by playing hours of else Heart.Break() as a symbolic gesture based on the name alone, and by starting a new podcast you'll hear more about in the coming months.

This week we deal in fear. Danielle (who is fearless) finds a new horror game love in SOMA, Nick's time with Metal Gear Solid V comes to the confusing and bleak end he feared was there all along, and Jake is feared lost, last seen entering a ghost house of his own creation. Chris fears a hedgehog made entirely of pinky fingers, and we think that's fair.

If this description seems brief, if we're hard to get ahold of right now, the answer is very simple and not that inexplicable: We can't stop playing Super Mario Maker or Metal Gear Solid V. There's only one thing that will make us stop, and it's an opportunity to talk about them on this podcast.

Roughly 50 percent of this podcast is about Metal Gear Solid V, but we somehow manage to sneak in a tidbit here and there about our time with Satellite Reign and completing Lara Croft GO, Danielle's adventures with a real live clown, and a surprise-filled bag of candy for the video game baby.

Get carried away on our balloon of delight as we dive into Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, a game that stirs up memories of something we loved dearly, long ago. Then, we'll let you in on the "Sad Space Dads" craze that has taken the gaming world by storm. If that isn't enough, stick with us for the time Chris and Nick chatted with Jeff Goldblum about Thomas Pynchon novels.

Read Our Lips: It's-a me. This week's episode may require you to use your imagination a little more than usual. Danielle plays the hell out of Super Mario Maker but as for her final verdict, you'll have to read between the lines. Chris and Spaff play the almost indescribable Pipedreamz and Flywrench, and Jake decides to record an entire episode with his microphone off. The only clarity you'll find comes from a surprisingly inspired Dota 2 add-on.

You are a mess, humanity. Your criminal investigators are a joke at best, and your justice system is terrifying and weird at worst. Your cyber security is easily bypassed, with commands that seem almost fictional. You cannot even assemble your own furniture. It's probably best we just take it from here.

Welcome to our tour of nightmares. When on the tour please do not bully our security robot. In this, our first chamber, we keep our rejected user-generated Sonic the Hedgehog characters. Sorry, no, you can't turn the limb physics off; they just move that way all the time. To the left, our Fallout Shelter gallery, worth visiting before we change it over to a new exhibit; the hall on your right houses our collection of a thousand staring ghost masks. The rest of the museum—the Breckon Wing—is dedicated to one poor man who dared log on to Grand Theft Auto V's multiplayer component. Nightmare gallery probably not underwritten by J.G. Edwards.

Our long-awaited Her Story spoilercast is here! We sat down to discuss our thoughts on Sam Barlow's excellent FMV murder mystery, from its mechanics to the nuances of its plot. If you haven't completed the game, you will be spoiled!

This week we engage a randomly-rolled Steve "Hot Scoops" Gaynor for a series of increasingly-escalating heists and near escapes in The Swindle. Though he is cut down in his prime—side-swiped by a rainbow- and dollar bill-emitting enemy vehicle—it looks impressive as hell when the resulting accident scores a goal for his Rocket League team. Meanwhile, Danielle pines for every Rare game ever made ever.

As the world closes in, you sit alone in a dark room, sweaty and tense, your eyes unwavering from the events unspooling on the monitor. Animatronic pizza creatures are clawing at the door. Shelter dwellers demand answers after months of forced breeding, papal collusion, and suspected assassinations. Fortunately the room's barricades are strong, so you can really concentrate on this Rocket League match.

This week we guess at how life might begin, and are shown many ways it might end. Here, in the middle, is a podcast. Spaff evolves while showing off Gang Beasts at Evo, Chris weighs the value of a new life versus a long and celebrated one after some startling developments in his Fallout Shelter, and Jake worries about what's living inside his car's brakes.

Join us on an accidental tour of our own history of first person shooting, from Doom to the new game that is also just called Doom. We also play a fan-made mod sequel to Portal 2, discuss Activision's baffling foray into first party total conversion modding with the upcoming Call of Duty Zombies campaign and watch as Chris' brain is reprogrammed by The Magic Circle. You may not believe it, but this episode was originally stored on three floppy disks.

Unlike some, we live in a bountiful place. A place where the stars stretch out before you, full of life and endless, a place where soccer is played by not just Mario but glowey demons and even cars, a place where every gun is unique even if that is the last thing you want. We live there so enjoy all of it.

You strap on your VR headset and log on to the terminal. It's a Windows 95 system: you know this. You rifle through dozens of unsorted video clips revealing a fractured prophecy of inevitable robot domination. Sinister, shadowy figures dance and leap in the periphery of your vision. You glance down to admire your virtual arms. They're huge.